jmgoyder

wings and things

Mar 18

Lassitude

by jmgoyder

Today, Son and I had an argument interesting conversation:

Son: What is wrong with me? I don’t have energy – I HATE this! I’m sick of sleeping and wasting all this time!

Me: You had major surgery four weeks ago – it’s all normal. Every day you are getting better and your spine is healing. If you want to sleep, sleep and stop worrying about it.

Son: But I can’t stand it, Mum, and what about you – what’s wrong with you? Why are you so lazy and blah?

Me: It’s called lassitude.

Son: What the hell is that?

Me: It’s what we both have – this inability to get off our bums and move on; it’s my broken heart about Dad and….

Son: I’m sick of your broken heart.

Me: I’m sick of it too.

Son: And my spine isn’t straight anyway – it’s still crooked and I wanted to be perfect.

Me: Nobody’s spine is perfect and it’s a miracle of medical science that you have been straightened this much. Please stop this miserable whining.

Son: Then you stop crying!

Me: I’m just tired.

Son: So do we both have this lassitude thing?

Me: Yes, but it’ll pass.

Son: Mum, I love Dad too but I just can’t….

Me: I know.

Son: That’s a good word – lassitude – I’m going to remember that one.

Me: Yeah, and I’m going to lassoo it and take it to the dump.

Son: When?

Me: After I have a little nap….

Son: Okay, call me when you need a hand.

How come Woodroffe gets to do lassitude in peace?

This evening, Husband and I had an interesting conversation on the phone:

Me: He’s got lassitude-with-an-attitude now – argh!

Husband: Tell him to go easy on himself.

Me: What about going easy on me?

Husband: That too … are you okay?

Me: No, I miss you and I miss the way it was when….

Husband: Bring the brat in here tomorrow and I’ll straighten him out.

Me: Okay – good idea – brilliant idea!

Husband: ‘Night then – I’m watching a show on the ABC.

Me: Oh, okay – love you….

The lassitude is gone!

Family Wings

52 Comments »
Mar 16

The humming of heroism

by jmgoyder

Today.

I went in and picked Husband up this morning from the nursing lodge to spend the day with Son and me.

Several hours later, I had to take Husband back for dinner and medication. When I had to say goodbye, a feeling of such deafening bereftness made my ears ring until Husband kissed my hand and said, “This is all right; I am all right. There is nothing else we could have done so go on, go home and look after our son.”

Driving home, I hummed one of Husband’s favourite songs – Michael Jackson’s “We are the world”, sobbing to have lost half of my world – this hero of a husband who has always cared more about others than he has ever cared about himself …

I have so much more to say about this heroic husband of mine but this is probably a post I should continue when I get my sense of humour back.

Tomorrow.

Family

22 Comments »
Mar 11

Unexpected

by jmgoyder

This afternoon, I drove the old ute/truck up to the highway get petrol, so I could take some rubbish to the dump (we don’t have rubbish collection here because we are too far out of town). After filling the tank, I went into the shop and got some orange juice and, as I was paying, a tall, elderly man in a white shirt and bicycle shorts tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I were heading east.

At first I was a bit alarmed at being tapped on the shoulder by someone I’d never met before but, after I said, “Sorry, no, I’m going the other way”, I watched him go to the refrigerator and get some water. He was perspiring a lot because it’s 40c today – very hot!

I was still paying when he came back to the counter and I said, “I’m so sorry but my son has just had an operation and I need to get back home with this orange juice. Can you just have a rest here and carry on? I’m sure someone will be able to give you a lift.” He then told me he had already ridden over 100 kms today and his destination was only a further 12 kms. I said, “sorry” again and left.

But on the way home to Son, I thought better and decided to get home, get Son and go back and rescue the man. Son (despite his philanthropic ideals) was less than impressed. Nevertheless we raced back to the petrol station in the ute and the cyclist was still there. I beeped the horn and yelled out, “We’ve come to rescue you!” His look of relief made it all worthwhile.

It was only then that we remembered that the passenger space in the ute would only allow two people, not three, especially one with a massive plastic brace on him. So, as the cyclist was loading his bicycle into the back of the ute, I went back into the shop and (yay!) one of the customers was a neighbour and agreed to take Son home. Whew.

Then, on our way to the cyclist’s destination, he told me that he was 72, that his brother had died yesterday, that he loved cycling, and that he wrote poetry. I then told him a bit about Husband, Son, the birds and my own writing.

When I dropped him off, he rummaged around in his knapsack and gave me one of his books of poetry. He signed it, I shook his hand, he kissed me on the cheek, I said “Thanks for the book!” and I watched him ride into the heat glare.

Then I turned around and headed home to face Son’s glare – hehe!

Animal Wings

52 Comments »
Mar 8

Howling at the moon

by jmgoyder

Tonight, Son and I both howled at the moon. I don’t think we have ever done this before and it is not something I would recommend!

We hadn’t planned on howling at the moon together, but our mutual differences (yeah, one of those paradoxes), the emu fiasco, and the absence of Husband, reduced us both to such grief that the howling just happened.

Perhaps it was cathartic; perhaps not. Neither of us have ever been caught up in the net of self-pity, but tonight we were caught off-guard by a moonlit view of everything and it was overwhelming. So we howled. We howled at each other, with each other, and with the moon, until our voices were hoarse and the dogs became frightened.

Luckily we don’t have neighbours living closeby or they might have called the police!

Animal Family

8 Comments »
Mar 8

Geese, glorious geese (and a few humans!)

by jmgoyder

Family Wings

2 Comments »
Mar 7

Footsteps

by jmgoyder

Sometimes you have to collide with a corner before turning it and yesterday Son and I had one such collision. Don’t worry, we weren’t in a car or anything; we were just in the kitchen verbalizing a fair bit of angst with each other. Much later in the day, having extricated each other from the crash scene, we both realized that we were not angry with each other, but angry with ourselves, so we sat outside in the dusk and managed to turn the corner.

This morning, knowing that today we would be running in the same direction, I sipped my first coffee with a feeling of anticipation and waited for Son to wake up. It wasn’t until I was into my second coffee that I heard his footsteps in the house so I went into the kitchen and, thinking he was in his bedroom, I called out, “Good morning! I’m so glad we had that talk yesterday because I think it’s just that we’ve both been in a kind of rut so a bit later, when you feel up to it, we’ll get out of the house and go to town. We should go to a restaurant for lunch – do you want to go to that one on the beach?”

When there was no answer, I was a bit mystified until I went into the bedroom to find Son still fast asleep. Then I heard the footsteps again and realised it was King peacock on the roof!

You gotta laugh!

Family Wings

13 Comments »
Mar 3

One blink!

by jmgoyder

This is not a spectacular photo but who cares because I have FINALLY taken a picture of the wild birds here – one blink and I would have missed this.

In Year 2, a new kid arrived in the town and was plonked next to Son in the classroom – a bright, white-haired little boy. Blinks were exchanged. A rather thunderous friendship began….

Sunset reckons a better photo could be taken of Thunder. Son thinks I’m a galah.

One blink, two blinks, three blinks….

Family Wings

9 Comments »
Mar 3

Frolicking, rollicking rage

by jmgoyder

Son is experiencing some predictable rage due to the frustration of not being able to do very much within the confines of his chest-to-hip surgical brace.

Nevertheless, and despite my fear and trembling, I just asked Son if I could take a picture of him with Husband. He reluctantly agreed after I gave him a hot meat pie, some mango yoghurt and his favourite chocolates.

Son: She only wants the picture for that bloody blog, Dad.

Husband: Well, that’s okay isn’t it?

Me: Will you guys shut up and smile? Please!

Mostly Son is very good at restraining his rage but every now and then it unleashes itself in the form of a fake smile. Or maybe it’s best described as a forced smile – a smile before the storm? If he discovers I have blogged these photos I will be in big trouble!

So I’m going outside to find Godfrey because he’s not so scary!

Maybe I’ll just camp out tonight. Wouldn’t you? I mean look at this beautiful angry face – yikes!

Family

16 Comments »
Mar 3

Rolling up the red carpet

by jmgoyder

Husband is home for the weekend and is going to stay for two nights, maybe three. The trouble is that he and I are having to keep this a bit of a secret from the various family and friends who say this is a bad idea. I almost feel as if I have kidnapped him! This was our conversation on the way home:

Husband: Does anyone know?

Me: Not yet. I thought I’d get you home first.

Husband: H and L think it’s unfair on you.

Me: Well, you’re fine now but we both know you won’t be that fine later and it’ll get hard – you know when you can’t walk and all that. And the nights – if you call me more than three times I’ll take you straight back (laughing).

Husband: Actually it’s not so bad there you know.

Me: I know.

Husband: So what’s for dinner? I’m starving.

Me: You just had lunch!

Husband: Is there any of your mother’s Christmas cake left?

Me: Ah, that’s a good idea.

Husband: Do you want me to open the gate?

Me: (hopping out of the car) No, I don’t want to wait two hours.

Husband: Such a gentle little soul you are (smiling).

Me: Okay, here we are. I’ll park the car on the lawn so you can get out. Well, come on – hurry up and get out. Oh, just a minute – I’ll give you a hand.

Husband: Careful! You’re so rough.

Me: Okay, here you are – is this okay? (swinging Husband into a chair on the veranda).

Husband: At the other place, two people do that and they’re really gentle.

Me: Yeah, you’re bloody heavy and anyway this is home (grinning).

Husband: It sure is (kissing my hand).

Me: Okay, so who do you want me to ring?

Husband: Actually, let’s not tell anyone until tomorrow (eyes twinkling).

Me: Good idea! Cup of tea?

So this is how we do it. Rolling out the red carpet didn’t work because it felt like Husband was a visitor in his own home so that’s why we rolled it back up and chucked it away. Now, when Husband comes home, I just carry on as normal and do my own thing and so does Son, which is much better than hovering over Husband like a couple of friendly vultures.

One of the things I like about our 3-way relationship is its sometimes ferocious honesty. And the fact that we can all laugh at ourselves and each other.

Me: Okay, so here’s your tea and cake. I’m going to go feed the birds and wake Son up.

Husband: But you haven’t given me a kiss yet.

Me: Oh, sorry, here you go xxx

Husband: Jules.

Me: What now?

Husband: I love you.

Me: Love you too – okay I’ll just be around the back.

Husband: I’m fine – don’t worry about me. Off you go.

I knew that by the time I fed the birds and did the various birdy chores, Husband would be asleep in the chair (he is very good at sleeping upright), so I took my time, had a stupid little cry, pulled myself together, and went back to the front veranda. It was 5pmish.

Me: Wake up sleepy head. Beer or champagne?

Husband: What are you having?

Me: You know what I’m having.

Husband: Okay, you have your beer and I’ll have a champagne.

I’m glad I kidnapped him!

Family

35 Comments »
Feb 28

‘This is your life’

by jmgoyder

A few final moonflowers popped up this morning, but I think they are now finished for the year. How would I know? I got it wrong before!

After a lengthy appointment this morning, to get Son’s post-surgery dressing changed by a nurse and his wound examined by our doctor, we went to visit Husband in the nursing lodge. Son was in his back brace and the pain had kicked in again so he took one of his pills before seeing Husband. I filled Husband in on the latest details about Son’s next few months of convalescence – the physiotherapy he would need, the fact that he isn’t allowed to lift even two kilos, his moody frustration and so on. Husband wanted to come home to help and I had to explain that this wouldn’t help, that it would make things harder as I would have two invalids to look after (yeah, sometimes my words don’t come out the way I intend them to).

Apparently Son will never be able to do this again:

Husband insisted on walking us out to the car even though he was quite wobbly. As we drove off, I saw him in the rear vision mirror, standing in parking lot, leaning on his walking stick looking so forlorn I wanted to reverse the car and rescue him, bring him home, but I couldn’t because by then Son’s pain was so bad he needed to lie down, so I had to rush home. I was crying (which Son says I do too much of) because I had forgotten to harden my heart.

Okay, so one of the things that has been said to me by my beautiful friends and family is this: “Soon you will get your life back. It will get better.” Now, whilst I agree with the latter, I don’t understand the former because this IS my life and Husband and Son ARE my life. Yes, I have my writing, the birds, my connection to the local university and many other joys, including this blog, and Husband and Son have never made me feel guilty for the time I spend writing. Bravo to them.

You know what I miss most? Sitting out on the front veranda with Husband and Son and chatting together every evening as the sun went down. We didn’t do this often enough in the recent months as Husband’s Parkinson’s disease got the better of him, but those conversations were the best! I don’t want a future without Husband here, but I know that he and I both have to adjust to that reality. And I don’t want a future without Son’s company but, once his spine is completely healed, he will inevitably leave to pursue his many dreams. Yeah, I know I’ve already posted this photo but this is the three of us back in 2009 when things were okay-ish.

Soon it will just be the birds and me.

This is my life and, despite the difficult, sad bits, every single micro-second with Husband and Son has been joy.

I don’t want any other life!

Animal Wings

20 Comments »
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