saying no | jmgoyder

Bullying 2

by jmgoyder

I’ve been reading quite a bit about bullying lately, not just because it is a hot topic, and an enormous problem in cyberspace, but also because I’ve only just begun to realize, with the benefit of hindsight, its impact. I don’t usually like labels, but ‘bully’ is a very handy concept in that it enables you to put the bully/bullies into a kind of metaphorical ‘bully box’ and toss them away.

Now, obviously, bullying is not a new problem, but it seems to have been talked about much more over the last 12 years or so. There is very little I can add to this burgeoning discourse. I am more interested in the characteristics of a bully and in trying to figure out why a bully is a bully. I’m also curious about whether a bully can change. As is probably obvious, I am fascinated by this topic.

Characteristics of a bully (including possible reasons for the bullying personality):

Often bullies have poor communications skills, so use shouting and swearing to get a point across.
Typically, bullies will be devoid of empathy and may not even understand the meaning of the word.
Bullies may use the following tactics: invasion (arriving aggressively on your doorstep unexpectedly); coercion (the surprise attack method of getting you to do something); complaint (to make you think you are in the wrong); charm (pretense of friendliness to get something from you); and/or inane smalltalk (to bore you into submission).
Interestingly, bullies may never have been bullied themselves but, instead, may have been over-indulged children who have learned that tantrums work.
Many bullies show a ghoulish interest in real-life crime and horror, enjoy playing cruel practical jokes, and may even inflict physical harm to animals or humans.
Bullies are often irrational, dishonest and lacking in emotional intelligence.
Often, bullies are flamboyant, attractive, ‘larger-than-life’ and sometimes even popular (in a party context).
Some bullies are preoccupied with wealth and may be ‘sycophantish’ towards anyone who is wealthier.
Most bullies do not have any idea of what a conscience is.
Bullies are often very miserable people.

Tips on how to deal with a bullies (this is what I’ve done and it’s worked):

Recognize the bullies as bullies
Say ‘no’ to the bullies. Ask them to leave you alone and, if they don’t, seek professional support.
Put the bullies into the metaphorical ‘bully box’, toss them away and then forget about them.
Forgive their ignorance.
Forgive them for hurting the people you love most in the world (that’s a difficult one!)

Then SMILE!!!

Note: These are just my own thoughts on the bullying issue, gleaned from my own experience. I do hope, however, that some of this might be helpful to others.

blogging Family Friendship Wings

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The first word

by jmgoyder

This word is often the first you utter as a toddler, but it is also the first word you become fearful of. It can be said to you, but you cannot say it back. You can’t say it back when you are a little child because you are a little child. You can’t say it back when you begin school because you are a schoolchild. You can’t say it back to your parents, your teachers, your coaches, your relatives, your friends … because you are not allowed to, no matter how many times it is said to you. So you grow up and you get your first job and the situation repeats itself until you think that maybe you will never, ever be able to say your first word again. And then, 20, 30, 40 or 50 years into your life, you suddenly realize that it would be rather a handy word to use in some circumstances. So you try it out, very gently, and it works- it works! Then you try it out, less gently, and that works too and this surprises you because you have always been too fearful of using this first word. It is a beautiful word.

No.

Last week I said ‘no’ to Ming and today I said ‘no’ to Ants and, instead of being catapulted off the earth into nowhere, the three of us are still here and my two men have survived my ‘no’ with incredible ease. Of course there is more to this, as my previous blogposts imply, however it is the end result that really matters. I have learned to say no, Ming has learned that I am the boss and Anthony has begun to accept that he is in a nursing lodge permanently.

To celebrate my newfound love of the first word, I went out this afternoon and took some pictures (something I haven’t done for ages) of our beautiful white peacock who seems to think he is the first ~~word~~ bird!