There used to be a real stigma attached to the idea of counselling – i.e. that you needed someone to help you sort your emotions out etc. This is no longer the case with most schools employing professional counsellors (psychologists or social workers) and many people seeing counsellors on a regular basis. Ming and I have sought this kind of help a few times, especially during the months when Anthony was still home but deteriorating fast, Ming was getting angrier by the day and I was getting beyond sad.
As I’m sure is obvious from various posts in this blog, I have not adjusted nearly so well as Ming has to Anthony’s moving into a nursing lodge. I guess I had always envisioned that one day Ants and I would both be old people (him 90 and me nearly 70), sitting in rocking chairs on our front veranda, and Ming would be gone, exploring the world in one way or another. I had no way of knowing that instead it would be Anthony gone away and Ming and me here together.
We are not coping well with what Ming continuously refers to as ‘our relationship problems’. The fact that he even cares about our relationship astounds me; after all, he is 18! He gets very angry with me, then gets the guilts and that whole vicious cycle repeats itself. So we have decided to seek the help of a counsellor again. Ming wants a man this time (our previous psychologist was a woman and she was great but it seems Ming is now at the age when he needs a man-to-man talk with someone). The trouble is the guy who has agreed to help us is on holidays for a couple of weeks. In the meantime, I emailed Ming’s primary school headmaster because he has always understood and liked Ming and he agreed to come over tomorrow afternoon to talk to Ming about his angst.
As I was driving Ming into music school this morning (well, he was driving to practise before his driving test in a couple of weeks), we were having our usual bitsy verbal wrangles. So I told him that Henry (name disguised to protect the innocent) was coming over to counsel him tomorrow, and Ming thought is was a great idea – phew!
This was our conversation:
Me: I told him you had angst issues.
Ming: What’s angst?
Me: Aggro.
Ming: Yeah, but that’s only because of you.
Me: What – the fact that my presence irritates you all the time?
Ming: No, not ALL the time, Mum.
You gotta laugh!
jmgoyder 
😉 He loves you so much ~~ the fact that he gets irritated proves it — he reacts because he loves ~ so much better than indifference – right? !! Great post and want to know how the counseling sessions go…. You know that was my Master’s Degree and future career if I’d ever been able to get out of this rabbit hole — Truly believe can be wonderful for you and Ming both!
xxoo
It’s smart to bring in a third party and it’s refreshing that you can be so honest about the things you are going through. I bet that Ming gets aggravated with you because it’s safe to.
Yes – I am his target practice – ha!
Is this counselling session with Henry just with him and Ming? Seems Ming is pretty upfront with you about the things that bug him, so it makes me wonder if there are things he is not saying, either to not hurt you or because he’s not faced the true level of guilt he feels for wanting to get on with his life. It was good thinking on your part Jules to call Henry, really good thinking. If you are part of the session, I know your own angst and emotions will pull you in two, maybe three, separate directions. But just remember, you are doing the absolute best you can in a situation that did not come with an instruction manual…and by God, you are a remarkable woman, wife, and mother, and don’t you forget it.
xo
My idea is to let Henry and Ming chat for an hour then I will bring the beers!
the beers huh? what? no cigars? you are too much, but not a half bad idea!
ha!
that was cute, but under the depth of our skin lies a heart and soul and within our cavity lies our brain, and the combo of all of them make it very hard to accept changes that our beyond our control. i feel this too, when i am sitting near Al and I see what this disease has done to him, but with you, you have shared your whole being with Ants, and this is not an outcome that is accepted easily. I am glad you two are getting counseling because you two are the tree branches to the trunk that sits in the nursing home. you two have to be able to stick this out, so that when a new turn in life comes your way, you both will have beautiful leaves……blending and covering each other….love ya Julie
Wow Terry – what a fantastic comment – thank you!
Sigh… I’m so glad you have each other, and that you’re amenable to sorting it out through counseling.
xo,
Lynda
Yes yes and yes! Thanks Lynda!
Ah, Julie–I am glad you two can speak so openly. Wonderful for you both.
Yes – some teens don’t say much but Ming says it all – ha!
i often referred young men to male therapists. men think very differently than we women do. they compartmentalize issues so as to go about their day as if nothing is wrong. women usually are not as practiced at this. men become angry or agitated when they cannot fix a situation so they take it out in rather inappropriate ways at times. if they cannot fix something they often move on to something/someone they feel can be fixed. in addition, he has to be carrying a certain amount of guilt, and lastly may be wondering how things with you will end up if he doesn’t sort you out now.
hopefully people are changing when it comes to therapy but i hear comments all the time that lead me to believe that is not true. lucky for me i chose a field that never ran out of consumers! there are plenty of MEAN crazy people to go around. yes forensic psychology is rampant with patients who have no choice but to seek counseling:)
so glad the boyo wants to see a counselor. you are such a great mother, among other roles i am sure.
Yes – I should have realized earlier that a female psychologist (who was a beautiful person who we saw together but who always empathized with me) might not work for Ming. She was absolutely brilliant for Ming at the time (nearly 3 years ago) but now he’s 18 I think he needs to speak to a male because he doesn’t have a dad he can talk to.
You are hilarious re your never running out of consumers!
Thank you again!
job security is no laughing matter:)
Great that you’re dealing with it and that he’s agreeable to it. You’ll get through it all. Just a rough time for a while. Ming will grow up and see things differently in a few years. (I know, that seems like eons, but it will go quickly.)
Yes, you are right – it’ll be okay. Thanks Anneli!
For what it’s with, I think Ming is jealous of your love for Anthony, which is apparently stronger than your love for him. You know, Anthony-love propels you into such extreme sadness (at his decline) that your Ming-love isn’t strong enough to pull you out. That, and you irritate him! Good luck; I hope the counselling helps.
I think you might have hit the nail on the head – YES!
I think using an “arbitrator” to find common ground between Ming and you and improve your daily lives is a great idea. It’s always useful to bounce things off an objective person who can also be frank and tell you how things really are. Good luck with the counseling, I really think you’re heading the right way!
Wish us luck!
good that it is not all the time — ha ha — we irritate them one way or another no matter what–I speak from the experience of having two boys, now young men
Ah you have insider knowledge!
J, Ming – he cares and loves …. he do both a lot – and he are in between a boy and young man. Neither Ming’s or Ant’s love and caring you have to doubt about. It’s all yours.
You wise woman (but I am still throwing Ming to the chooks tonight – haha!)
Be my guest …. *smile – I don’t think I’m wise when it’s about kids in any age .. but I remember how I was in his age against my mum … not fare off.
I hope you weren’t a brat Viveka!
Yes, I was at time … but I never told her to piss off.
I am glad to hear that!
She would have given me ONE if I did. *smile
Ming is so cool, and you are–after all–a “mother.” If you two got along perfectly when he’s 18, I’d worry. Glad he has a man he respects to talk to. He needs that now.
I think you are both pretty sensible. There’s definitely hope for this relationship 🙂
Very good idea! After my mom’s horrible experience, yes! Counselors are good sounding boards, and I hope he helps Ming find positive and calm ways of reacting and responding to all the dynamics involved. Wishing you both the best.
It will be great for you both to have a third party to talk to.
Ok Ming sounds like a normal teenager, parents annoy teenagers have done since the begining of time…………that said I hope the counselling helps………..
Good for you for looking into counselling. I’m sure with as open you and Ming are with each other you will have little problem getting over Ming’s anger. The only thing about counselling is the “patient” still needs to do some work on themselves. Something not everyone is capable of doing. Glad it has worked for you in the past. I’m sure it will help alleviate some of Ming’s concerns.
You are braving a ferocious storm together – a little outside help is always useful…
I’m glad that you have some people to turn to for help. It must be hard to be a single parent even though you aren’t single.
I am right there with all of you. I live in the States he lives in Europe. We’ve been together only one time for two weeks. I’m hooked and miss him terribly. That was six months ago but we talk every day. Thank goodness for technology: IM, Skype but I’m finding I need more of a connection. He is so busy and often so tired at night that we don’t talk very long anymore. The adjustment from hours each day to minutes every few days is becoming harder and harder. I can’t help feeling neglected or anxious about whether he has changed his mind. What I have to constantly remind myself is to be loving, encouraging, supportive, and give the relationship space. It is difficult to keep reminding myself of that but it has worked so far and I feel the right thing to do despite my insecurities about the relationship. I appreciate hearing from others — it actually makes me feel better in a way to know I’m not alone.