wings and things


on October 14, 2012

Despair came to visit today even though I had already told it to go way so many times and thought it had finally given up. It knocks on the door a lot and I ignore it and feel safe because the door is locked. But today, it picked the lock and broke in and, whammo, smashed me just as I was putting the kettle on. And when I fell down, it kicked me and kicked me until I begged it to stop, to please go away. It stopped kicking me but it didn’t go away.

So that was a few hours ago and I have since gotten up, washed the tears off my face and am now developing a plan of how to get rid of it because it’s sitting in the living room, waiting. Do I play the waiting game too and hope, in time, it will give up and go away? Or do I go into the living room and confront it. Despair has the advantage of course because it stopped me from doing all of the things I wanted to do today by snaking its way into my conversations with my son and non-conversations with my husband. It burned the kettle dry and whipped the wind up to blow all of the clean clothes off the line and into the dust of the driveway.

It’s pretty clever, this despair, because it has positioned itself in the middle of the house and created a sort of dividing line between my son’s room and my office, so every time he and I have tried to have a chat, it whips into the conversation and, with incredible skill, turns all the good words into corpses, turns our blue eyes black and laughs derisively when we both slam our doors and give up.

The trouble with banishing despair is that it might simply go somewhere else and inflict itself on someone else, so I have to figure out how to kill it. It has never been so presumptuous before, never made itself so at home before and, when I last sneaked a peek, it was dozing comfortably in the living room, waiting. Waiting for what though? Is it waiting for another mother/son argument, for another wife/husband disappointment, for another bird to be killed by the fox, for another glass of my tears?

How will I kill it before it kills me? I know it hates me laughing because once I saw it shrivel when I laughed. And I know it hates me loving because once I saw it vomit when I hugged Ming and Ants at the same time so maybe I can kill it with more laughter, with more love. But somehow I don’t think that will be enough. After all, this despair has already been able to permeate all of our laughter and love with little drops of dead fly poison.

I wish I had the solution to this predicament.

14 responses to “Despair

  1. eof737 says:

    Julie, Julie, you writing about it is cathartic, and the fact that you can express the battle is one step in your favor…. Don’t despair…. Do you take walks? Fresh air? Music? Please hold on and know that we all send you healing light, hugs and love… Thinking of you!

  2. victoriaaphotography says:


    Chose another name for it. The name it’s currently got gives it too much importance.

    It should be given a name of insignificance to stop it slithering and weazling it’s way into the cracks and crannies of your lives.

  3. take a pillow and smother it where it is dozing, but make sure you are laughing loudly
    despair can be all-encompassing, and crawling out from under it so very difficult–and I am afraid it is not a one-off thing, you will have to do it over and over–but it will be worth it

  4. Julie, my heart goes out to you. I hope that somehow you will muster the inner strength to kick out that monster in the living room and continue as the beacon of strength you are to those who love you. I wish Australia were closer so I could give you a hug and do something concrete to help. All I can do is send my moral support from half the globe away.

  5. pixilated2 says:

    I don’t know if you will understand what I am about to say… but I think there is a book in waiting here in your words. I feel that if you write it, it will be an inspiration to many in your same predicament. Your words and thoughts are so touching… prosaic.

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  7. living room says:

    Good post. I am facing many of these issues as well.

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