wings and things

Love story 117 – Without

on November 15, 2012

During this strange and difficult year (Anthony going into the nursing lodge, Ming’s spinal operation, and my loss of employment), Ming and I have somehow emerged from the quicksand of my grief and his rage and we are beginning to cope better. This evening we began a list of things we have to do, and buy, to keep this place ticking along properly. It is still a shock to me that Anthony is no longer at home and in charge of these things but, as Ming rightly pointed out tonight, this hasn’t been the case for some time.

Ming’s catchcry is always ‘teamwork’ and my response is always reluctant because he is so bossy. We have, however, dealt with our tussle with a truce handshake so tomorrow he will do the lawns and I will do the bills and other paperwork, and we will not argue. We will begin to transform our disorder into order, bit by bit by bit, without Anthony.

It is this withoutAnthonyness that seems to have suffocated my energy. I don’t feel quite present and I keep losing all of my todays. But Ming is okay and much stronger at the moment and tonight he asked me to lean on him more so I agreed. But I won’t really do this of course because I have to pull myself together so that I don’t cripple him under the weight of a temporary bout of despair. Without tomorrow, today would sob itself to sleep.

There is (I think, but I’m not sure) always, always, always, hope.

70 responses to “Love story 117 – Without

  1. FlaHam says:

    Julie, there is indeed always hope it comes in many forms and in many directions. These steps you take with Ming are in fact part of hope being fulfilled. Your a brave strong person, reaching out isn’t a sign of weakness it is a tool that furthers hope. Your words inspire me, thank you for sharing it. — Bill

  2. it is so hard to accept something you do not want to accept–today I will work on my bookwork too to keep you company (I hate it)–
    lean on Ming a little–it will make him feel good and useful, then when you give him support he will not feel like a kid
    without hope, there is nothing sometimes–we need it

  3. I think hope is what keeps people sane. Stay strong and I’m thinking of you.

  4. terry1954 says:

    hope is all most of us ever have when we face a crisis or change in our lives. i am so happy that you and Ming are going to be working on the same side of the fence instead of opposite sides. hugs to both of you

  5. niasunset says:

    Hope always dear Julie, we never know what will be… You are a brave and strong one and you have a nice son, I do believe you are a great team and everything will be fine. Just think of yourself too. You are in my thoughts and heart. Blessing and Happiness, Thanks and Love, nia

  6. FringeGirl says:

    Always hope. My prayers are for you. You are an amazing woman with so much strength. You give us all hope and inspiration and encouragement for every day, whether you realize this or not. Hugs from a bloggy friend.

    I am so very glad to hear of the team you and Ming have built. I imagine the two of you can do anything. Be blessed.

  7. janechese says:

    it won’t be easy but you can do it, Julie.just one task at a time and a blessing to know your son is in this with you. And Anthony would be proud because I am sure he wants you to “get on with it”. Great teamwork. Hugs, Jane

  8. Yes, there is hope. There is always hope, even though the changes might be very small. If Ming wants you to lean on him more, then I think you should, even just a little. It will make him feel good/needed/strong/mature and boost his esteem, I would think.

  9. Robyn Lee says:

    Yes Julie ~ there must be hope always alive in our hearts. It is what sustains us in these difficult times. Sounds like you and Ming have come to a good balance and supportive love place… keeping you in heart always ~ xo ps: do you know a drug called Menandine? They are trying it with me for pain ~ but it’s actually indicated for dementia and Alzheimer’s! Just started – slow build up. Love u ~

  10. adinparadise says:

    Together, you will win the battle, Julie. Accept Ming’s offer of help. Your lovely son wants to be strong for you in your moments of despair. Hugs to you.

  11. tersiaburger says:

    Somehow through the heartache and despair that we live we survive and move on. It is sad and it hard for the ill person who, in a way, gets left behind. Life has to go on until we take their places…It is the cycle of life. You are brave dear Julie!

  12. There’s hope and there’s acceptance. Here’s hoping at some point you will come to an acceptance and peace.

  13. dcwisdom says:

    I don’t think our children ever want to see their parents as weak, even though we are many times. It unsettles them. You are being a great example of a strong mother who finds ways to handle life’s hardships and continue on like our mothers before us. Julie, you might be a victim, but you can overcome the victim mentality and start building another life that’s full and rich, even in the midst of your pain and grief. You’re in my prayers, as always. XO

  14. sbcallahan says:

    what we hope for changes but we must always keep hoping! you and ming are doing an amazing job of coping and learning how to live in this new space. my own h has been reluctant to learn how to manage our online accounts (i have always done this) now he is accepting he will need to take over this responsibility. wishing you peace of heart!

  15. oldsunbird says:

    Dear, dear Julie, I wish I could be there with you and share a coffee or tea. You ARE a strong woman and an inspiration to all who read you. It takes strength to ask for help, you know. You have Ming, and all of us. Don’t forget that. I’m sending you lots of love and many hugs.

  16. mindfuldiary says:

    I admire your courage, strenght and positive attitude (despite the situation)! 🙂

  17. oldsunbird says:

    Dear Julie, You’ve had a rough year. It would be surprising if you never felt ‘down.’ It’s allowed, you know. And that’s what friends are for–to be there for you. And that includes your WordPress friends. I wrote you another note but don’t see it here, so I’m posting this. I’m thinking of you and sending lots of love and hugs. {{{{{HUGS}}}}

  18. Northern Narratives says:

    I think “teamwork” is an interesting idea. Don’t forget that you have all of us here cheering for your team.

  19. annotating60 says:

    It sounds as though Anthonyiswithyouness rather than the reverse. We sometimes find our strength from the weakest and most helpless around us.>KB

  20. You’re on the right track. Keep up the momentum. You can do it.

  21. yellowlancer says:

    My kids were there for me so much during the hard times and finding that balance between leaning and crushing isn’t easy but you and Ming are doing are great job…except Ming got the best deal – I’d mow my seven acres 10 times rather than do paperwork!

  22. viveka says:

    Julie, you and Ming will be a super team – but it’s all about communications and not going around excepting the other person to know what you want and feel. And that goes for both of you. Ming and you have a marriage to – plus that you are mother and sun.
    It’s a learning curve, small steps at the time. Ming needs his time to mature and become an adult. I wish all the best .. and I think it’s great that you can talk about the everyday duties. I know you, both – can make it work.

  23. victoriaaphotography says:

    I’m glad Ming is crying ‘teamwork’.

    The reality is that in times of trouble – mental, physical or spiritual – people like to help. People want to help. It makes them feel good.

    A problem shared is a problem halved.

    We all like to be independent. Seems to be a human thing. But the reality is that we are all depend on each other. Every thing we do, every day, requires many others – the meal we eat, the tools we use, the bed we lie on. How many people did it take to grow the tree, to cut the wood, to build the bed, to grow the fibre, to weave the sheet or make the pillow you rest your head on.

    The best way to pay those helpers back – in your case, Ming, family, friends – is through gratitude, love & friendship………and…….. accepting their help.

    The whole world is interdependent. The whole world is built on a circle of caring and sharing (despite war and negative emotions).

    And so………Ming and You……..together………..will give to each other and work together as a team. Teamwork is strength – physical and emotional.

    When despair arises in your mind, allow Ming to support you at this time, because soon the roles may be reversed and you will be called upon to support him.

    Yes, there is Hope. But Help also starts with the same letter.

  24. mimijk says:

    Taking care of you Julie is as important as anything else. It’s good to hear Ming stepping up and trying to ‘be a man’ – and my hunch is that you will lean on each other (perhaps that should be part of the deal, so that he knows that all of us are strong and weak, independent and in need of each other, etc). Hope is powerful and life sustaining..hope is what allows us to appreciate the sun coming up in the morning, the peacocks flirting and sniping at each other, the love that is all around you, though arguably in different ways. Hope Julie, always have hope.

  25. eof737 says:

    Don’t despair Julie… You will come out of this stronger… I should know and I’ll leave it at that.

  26. That last line stands alone as a powerful poetic statement. Courage, Julie.

  27. tootlepedal says:

    It has to be done but well done for doing it.

  28. Helen says:

    So glad you and Ming are working together. Living with a bossy person can be very annoying. I know I live with one (jesssica), but sometimes it gives us the little push we need. Needless to say though at times they need to be pulled back a little!!!! I am amazed at times how much my kids teach me, then something else comes out of their mouth and I think ‘you still have so much to learn’. When I used to have my very ‘Poor Me’ days and believe me I had a lot of them, Jess very seriously used to say to me “Mum there are so many people a lot worse of than you.” Very annoying but it would buck me up a little. In lots of ways its worse for you because Anthony is still here, but he’s not. Not the real Anthony ,so its no wonder your feeling so disorientated. I wish I could help. Never give up hope 🙂

  29. Judith Post says:

    There is always hope, but sometimes, it’s hidden behind too many sorrows. You’re getting there, one step at a time. Eventually, those steps add up.

  30. pixilated2 says:

    Julie, your words are very encouraging, and yes, there is always hope. Seems you and I are on a healing path, and taking charge of those things we can control. I have accomplished much this week and it really feels so empowering! I’m wishing you an empowering day tomorrow (today?) and one in which you accomplish much and feel good about it. Love you friend, Lynda

  31. Hang in there Julie. I’m glad you and Ming have each other. From what you’ve shared he’s a lot like Anthony, isn’t he?

  32. All suffering is but a springboard to enable one to polish oneself, what some term as a human revolution; change emanating from the self.
    Never ending, boundless hope 🙂

  33. It must be so difficult to adjust to life witout Anthony there all the time taking charge and getting things done………….but at least you have Ming…………

  34. Andrea Kelly says:

    I can imagine that this must be a terribly difficult transition. My thoughts are with you, wishing you all the best! Good luck getting things organized with Ming!

  35. Fergiemoto says:

    How wonderful you and Ming reached a truce!
    Your last line is profound, and really hits home in a big way for me. Sending hugs!

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