wings and things

Love story 122 – Every evening

on November 28, 2012

Tonight’s phonecall with Anthony:

Ants: I am just across the road, not far. Can you pick me up?

Me: It’s really late, Ants – I’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay?

Ants: But I’m not sure about this party.

Me: I can hear the nurse, Ants, and she is going to put you to bed right now. You’ll be fine and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Ants: Why can’t you come and help me?

Me: It’s 8.30pm, Ants.

Ants: Just for a cup of tea?

Me: I’ll be there at 11am tomorrow okay. Just try and go to sleep.

Ants: I miss you so much, Jules.

Me: I just saw you yesterday. Pull yourself together Ants!

Ants: I wanted to burst into tears.

Me: What? You better not do that – you are not a wimp. Stop it!

Ants: Okay, are you sure?

Me: Sure about what?

Ants: That you love me.

Me: Yes! How many times do I have to tell you this?

Ants: Okay, that’s fine. G’night Jules.

Me: G’night Ants – see you in the morning.

I think I am getting stronger and less affected by these sometimes bizarre evening phone conversations. Paradoxically, I have never felt so exhausted. This is probably because I am finally being more honest with Ants and have stopped tiptoeing around his constant home-coming wishes. He keeps reassuring me that he is getting better which is, of course, not true. Yesterday at the nursing lodge I couldn’t even manage to hoist him up from his chair to use the walker to walk me out and we both gave up.

My emotions seem to be having a rest and pragmatism has come to the rescue. I hardly ever cry now – it’s weird.

45 responses to “Love story 122 – Every evening

  1. terry1954 says:

    my tears are finally starting to fall by the way side also, but the heart is still being hurt

  2. FlaHam says:

    Julie, My heart goes out for you, and there is no advice that one can give to make it easier. I can’t help but feel your courage, and your strenght in these trying times. Please hang in there. — Bill

  3. camsgranny says:

    Actually, it’s not weird, it’s kind of normal, you are becoming used to events. I think it’s called progression. 🙂

  4. janechese says:

    You have to do this to preserve yourself – it is detachment but does not mean that you love him any less. This may seem callous but I did smile when Anthony said that he was not sure about this party. I wish for you some good moments for you both in the morning. Jane

  5. This road is a tough one–sending you a hug, Julie.

  6. adinparadise says:

    I can’t begin to imagine how emotionally draining this must be,Julie. I have two friends who went through the same ordeal. *hugs*

  7. bulldogsturf says:

    You have to be strong for yourself… not easy to do but it sure sounds as though your now on the right track… hugs Dear…

  8. Northern Narratives says:

    Your strength is amazing.

  9. niasunset says:

    Dear Julie, it is not easy but you are doing nice, nothing is weird… My heart with you too. Love, nia

  10. Hooray for pragmatism! Like Camsgranny says, it’s progress.

  11. mimijk says:

    I think the one thing that is certain is that nothing is certain – some days are going to be stoic and without tears; other days I imagine you will feel like you’re drowning is a sea of them. And some days there may be both. I just hope you always feel supported regardless of the moment in time.

  12. robincoyle says:

    You are simply coming to grips with reality. I think that is healthy for both of you.

  13. victoriaaphotography says:

    I don’t think it’s weird either.
    I think you’re starting to ‘let go’…………

  14. diannegray says:

    You are doing very well, Julie. The fact that you’re not ‘tiptoeing’ any more is a very good sign.

  15. mrs fringe says:

    It becomes the new normal. And a permanent state of exhaustion. ❤

  16. Sounds like you’re adapting and there’s nothing wrong with that!

  17. Judith Post says:

    You’re probably cried out. And you get used to their behavior and learn to deal with it better. It’s still hard. That’s why you’re exhausted.

  18. elizabeth says:

    There comes a day when there are just no tears left. ((hugs))

  19. People get used to anything. It’s how we survive horror.

  20. tersiaburger says:

    Hugs and warm thoughts and wishes!

  21. You are a strong woman.

  22. So sorry you have to do this. Prayers and hugs! XO

  23. Hugs. Survival is not for the weak. Acceptance doesn’t make any of it easier and may bring with it some depression, hence the well earned exhaustion.

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