wings and things

The struggle

on January 25, 2013

I am half elated and half deflated in anxious anticipation of Anthony coming home for the day tomorrow.

It will be a difficult day, and no amount of positive thinking will change that because the Parkinson’s Disease owns him now.

Two nights ago, I rang him and he said ‘they’ were going to blow him up and I wouldn’t be able to find his pieces. I could hear a nurse calming him down.

One of our best friends is going through the ordeal of chemotherapy and radiotherapy for cancer.

Several of my blog friends are battling severe health issues and one has just lived through the death of her daughter.

I am scared because I dón’t want Anthony to come home tomorrow because he is so heavy with illness.

It’s the old Ants I want – and so does he – ironic.

58 responses to “The struggle

  1. Can’t “like” this Julie, it’s just too sad, but can say that I’m so sorry for your pain and the sorrow of watching the slow disappearance of someone you love…. Lori

  2. What you’re feeling is quite normal while very hurtful to you I believe. I felt similarly when my mother deteriorated slowly after brain surgery…For the next several years her personality changed and then physically deteriorated… I wanted my mother back to how she was…. such a vital person in my life before that. I guess when she could no longer speak or understand was the most difficult because our ‘talks and chats’ were so special for me…Thoughts and prayers are with you Anthony and Ming….Diane

  3. ingridrick says:

    It’s too sad … I don’t know what ot say … there are no words that can ease the pain of this. Only time will help to heal and make you happy in the memory of a great love. Ingrid

  4. Oh honey. You both miss him.

  5. mrs fringe says:

    Sending strength.

  6. bulldogsturf says:

    So sad .. so sad… I like Lori I just can’t like this.. it is so difficult for you to have to this happening to the love of your life.. and I’m sure you wish you could take some of the sickness away from him… the realities of life, we can’t and it is difficult to find some way to make you feel better… the truth of the matter though is he can still come home for a visit and one must try to find some kind of comfort in that… be strong Julie, your strength is what he relies on now.. God Bless you Julie and let him give you the strength to carry on regardless of the trepidation and anguish…

  7. I can’t think of anything to say other than I think of you and your family with so much affection and you have a cheerleader here in Blandford. 🙂

  8. Tough stuff. May you be blessed with strength for the task.

  9. Life is the pits sometimes and way too often — all I have to offer are some ((((hugs))))

  10. janechese says:

    I want to send you a BIG hug; that kind that envelopes you with a sense of love and safety. Sorry to hear this but am glad that you are writing about it. from Jane

  11. mrsbauthor says:

    I am so sorry. It is extremely difficult to see someone you love suffer any form of illness. Things about them begin to change and it is frightening. My grandfather is in a home under medical supervision. He suffers from COPD along with a couple of other health issues including the beginning signs of dementia. One day he remembers things and the next he doesn’t. He sometimes forgets he lives in the home and tells my mom that he just arrived early that morning. Then he calls any random day begging to be picked up to go home. He can’t because he needs 24/7 medical attention. Some days are good and some days are bad. What we do not know is the type of day it will be when we visit him. It’s a struggle for my mom. Again, I am sorry for your struggles and pain.

  12. terry1954 says:

    I feel so bad for you. Even a whole day with Al is a challenge

  13. viveka says:

    Julie, you can only live through your own life and what that is filled with – you can’t take on the pain, hurt and worries for others too. The world is ugly out there for so many people, but we have to look our world first and try to sort that out the best we can, with one step at the time. I know you want old Ant back … and I can’t imagine the hopelessness and missing. I wish I could share it with you.

  14. fgassette says:

    I can’t say I know how you feel because I don’t. I have not been in your position. What I can say as a person with a chronic condition myself (not as serious as Parkinson;s) but, I know I would not want to be a burden on my family if my condition were to get worst. If it does, it is my hope that they would remember the good things about how I was and not focus on the bad condition of what I have become, because that would make me feel really sad. I know I would be trying in my heart to be as I was for them. I remember someone once said, “Don’t believe what you see, SEE what you believe. I truly hope this helps.


  15. rohan7things says:

    Good luck Julie 😦 I hope things work out ok for everyone! All the best to you and your family, during a difficult time.

    Take care.


  16. SnapInTime says:

    Oh Julie…
    Wishing for you to get just a glimpse of the Anthony that was for you to hold on to, and the strength to get through the rest of the day.
    I understand the reality that positive thinking is not always enough. I’ll be thinking of you.

  17. Robyn Lee says:

    I’m here Julie ~ broken parts and all if you need to lean — always a click away. Will be traveling Sunday — but don’t hesitate – and I am going to say a special prayer that ‘old ants’ will make an appearance tomorrow for you both…. xxooo love u ~ RL

  18. yellowlancer says:

    I think your honesty is helping so many people, Julie. It is normal to feel so confused but along with it comes guilt for the negative feelings. It’s not directed at the person, just the terrible illness and I think there will be a lot of people feeling very relieved to know they are not the only ones feeling confused like you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the situation. Thinking of you today and hoping there are some rays of sunshine amongst the confusion.

  19. bluebee says:

    I feel for you, Jules, beset with so much anxiety and pain 😦

  20. robincoyle says:

    Good luck tomorrow. Everything will be okay.

  21. diannegray says:

    It’s so difficult to see someone else when you look at your husband. When my hubby was so ill with pancreatic cancer last year I would often think, ‘if it was me, what would I want people to do and say.’ It’s so hard to put yourself in their shoes when they are so sick, but sometimes it can give you that little extra energy to pull you through those really difficult times…

  22. victoriaaphotography says:

    I pressed the ‘like’ button, but that only means that I read your post, Julie.

    One can’t LIKE what you’re going through these days.

    All you can do is put on a brave front and hope against all odds, Anthony is well enough on ‘home’ days to give him (& you) some pleasure.

    I can only imagine your seesawing emotions.

    Sending lots of cyber hugs your way.


  23. I’m sorry too Julie. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  24. elizabeth says:

    Wishing you strength for tomorrow Julie. ((Hugs))

  25. Susan says:

    Sorry for the sadness. But did you smile when you saw the picture of Ming in the local paper this week? He looked great!

  26. dcwisdom says:

    I’m hoping and praying that your visit goes well. Sending you BIG Texas love and prayers across the waves… I’m remembering back to Dad’s visits at home. Lots of memories you evoked upon me. XO

  27. dou dou says:

    You know, I think you are very brave and handling all of this very well.

  28. FlaHam says:

    Julie, As difficult as it maybe, you will find a way to find moments of pure enjoyment. Please take care — Bill

  29. I guess it wouldn’t have helped to make light of the situation, and ask him which he was more worried about – the blowing up or the disappearance of his pieces?
    Sorry. This is why no one wants me around in serious situations…

  30. So sorry you’ve been having such a rough go lately. I do know you are tough and can get through this, but it does become overwhelming, doesn’t it? Living in the moment, that’s the only way to get through it.

  31. eof737 says:

    I liked it to show support as we are all hurting for you and for our various friends, bloggers and family members. Be strong. {{{HUGS}}}

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