wings and things

Is it okay to be angry with the person who is sick?

on January 27, 2013

Yes it is!

This morning, I rang Anthony to let him know I would get him taxied out here this afternoon and he said, “So I can be taken away like a piece of garbage again?” Lucid, sarcastic, uncharacteristically nasty.

รt wasn’t my fault the taxi came an hour early, Ants!

Well whose fault was it, Jules?

Long story short, a wonderful nephew of Ants brought him out to the farm at around 11am and was willing to take Ants back but Ants wanted to stay longer. Okay.’

Once the nephew had gone and Ming wasn’t within earshot, I sat with Ants in the kitchen and asked him calmly why he was so mad at me.

Because I want to stay home!

I lost my temper! We had a humdinger of a row during which I ranted about him being selfish, told him that I couldn’t cope with this new nastiness from him and, finally yelled what I have tried to gently say for nearly a year on a daily basis – YOU CAN’T COME HOME TO STAY, ANTS!

He finally accepted it and I got him outside to the front veranda to wait for the taxi. We shared the beer we missed out on yesterday and reconciled with lots of loveydovey conversation.

We cleared the air, apologized to each other, hugged and kissed and held hands and I explained how I am suffering too. Ants understood finally and I realized that it was okay to have been so angry with him.

Oh and the taxi arrived an hour late this time – argh!

54 responses to “Is it okay to be angry with the person who is sick?

  1. Argghh! Can you use another, more reliable firm?

    It IS okay to be angry so long as you are not hurtful, which I am sure you never are.

  2. bulldog says:

    Oh I do agree with you Julie.. it is allowed… if one doesn’t get angry now and again, and let that person know what they are doing, they might never understand what it is to be with the shoe on the other foot…
    It also helps one to remain sane and releases built up pressure that works on the healthy party, ask me I know ..

  3. victoriaaphotography says:

    Life isn’t meant to be easy.
    If it was, we’d all be bored stiff (that’s what I keep telling myself when the Going Gets Tough).

    I think it’s better to be honest with your partner/husband/wife etc.
    (I can say that ’cause I don’t have a partner/husband/wife etc).

    As long as everybody ends the day and goes to bed on a happy note and with love in their hearts, then being angry & upfront is ok.

  4. A good airing of grievances is a great thing.

  5. I admire you so much because I can only imagine how hard it is to be a caretaker as well as a spectator to the ravages of Parkinson’s to Anthony’s body. Having said that you do need to communicate how nastiness isn’t part of the relationship. You are so courageous and strong Jules, you are amazing.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Ha – I am certainly not amazing – only just coping really. Anthony’s bouts of nastiness are so out of character – argh!

      • I’m glad that you are writing, it is such a healthy outlet and it gives us, your fans, a chance to provide you with some comfort and support. I’m glad that I am getting to know you!:)

  6. I love your honest conversations with each other! Glad you talked it out and made up and all. โค

  7. fgassette says:

    When anger is let out, there is no room for bitterness to set in. Bitterness is more destructive. The Bible tells us, “be angry, but sin not.”


  8. terry1954 says:

    this is all unraveling so sadly. Ants must be afraid. Afraid of losing himself and his family and wife. Confusion and illness, lack of ability to be independent are a terrible thing for him to go through. You have been his life, his partner. My heart goes out to the both of you as you each try to accept what is happening but not able to stop the future…….love ya Julie

  9. Isn’t it amazing how the very things we are afraid of saying are the truths we need to say to be real with each other, and how when we are, real and loving and honest and vulnerable, love rushes in and fills the spaces?

  10. I think you about covered the subject and said it like it is.

    My sister’s husband had a stroke about a year and a half ago and so he was ‘catered to’ by my sister and their children…which was what he needed at the time and awhile after. However, she especially has continued to do so and he sometimes does what Ants did and that’s talk very sarcastically to her and even as an eg. one night last week woke her up when he came to bed at 12:30 am and said ‘you didn’t get me a banana and you didn’t take my hearing aids out; To which she did sleepily and with irritation replied…”you can get your own banana and you can take your hearing aids out yourself! etc. But she realizes what she’s caused by not making him aware of his behaviour soon enough….Diane

  11. kdkh says:

    Good Job!! I just hope he doesn’t forget. You may have to have this argument again….

  12. you needed to let him know it was as bad for you as it was for him–and I think when he realized you did not like being separated from him anymore than he did from you–he understood. It was a good thing–now let’s get those taxis figured out–maybe you should yell at them

  13. SnapInTime says:

    If you were never angry, it would mean your feelings did not run deep. We can try to be patient, and loving, and understanding of their needs and feelings but we have needs and feelings too, not to mention we are human and won’t handle every situation perfectly. We can only try our best. He needed to know how his words affected you. He understood, you reconciled… this was good, and necessary.

    Next time the taxi shows up an hour early, I would consider telling the driver you ordered him/her for X time and they are not needed till X time and they must have the wrong house. >:/ This is family time that all of you need, and Anthony needs- not just wants, but NEEDS- the predictability and to know what to expect, and to change plans last second is not fair to him or to you. Wishing the best for next time!

  14. I think it is important to allow yourself to share all sides of yourself with Anthony. You were upset and angry too, when that happened. If you stay silent, he won’t know how stuff impacts you too.

  15. rohan7things says:

    It really is great to get everything of your chest sometimes, it’s horrible when things are boiling under the surface, tension building ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I hope this all leads to good things for everyone involved ๐Ÿ™‚

    You take care ๐Ÿ™‚


  16. Having a humdinger of a row was the right thing it got everything out in the open and hopefully he will understand and not be at you all the time about coming home. Taxis……………..what can I say some taxi drivers seem to run to their own schedule and turn up whenever they feel like either that or they can’t tell time…………lol

  17. Debbie says:

    Of course. Because you, daily, handle the emotions and reality of caring for a declining spouse, the outbursts are natural reactions to the stresses. At least you both verbalize it and can get past the momentary emotions. Understanding the whys and accepting the situation is much tougher. Have I ever told you how much I HATE Parkinson’s?! ~ I am glad you and Anthony had time together at the house. He really needs that, although I know how hard THAT is, too. I understand your word ARGH!

  18. FacetsofLucy says:

    Wait a minute, Julie. You had a fight with your husband? Rejoice! You had a real married moment with Anthony. With him not living there anymore, you probably both are on your best behavior usually. The subject, of course, was a serious one and I’m sure its hard for him to accept, but how nice to be able to get real with each other, and make up sweetly, too.

  19. Haha, I think you need to be angry at that taxi company! Do they live in a different time zone from you, or what? How awkward…

  20. artsifrtsy says:

    You know that when someone is sick they still have the ability to frustrate or aggravate us – sure it’s OK to be mad – sometimes you need to get mad.

  21. Lynda says:

    I’m glad you two were able to clear the air, Julie.
    As for the taxi, I think an hour late, at this point, was better than an hour early! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  22. yellowlancer says:

    Good for you Julie and so glad it all worked out ๐Ÿ™‚
    And, try letting a little steam off at the taxi company!

  23. viveka says:

    Julie, I think we lose our temper because we care โ€ฆ happens with me and mum too โ€“ because we feel helpless โ€ฆ and not in control over what has happen. When we lose temper it always goes over the ones we love โ€“ that is the way itโ€™s and donโ€™t ask me why, maybe because we feel safe with them.

  24. hugr5 says:

    It’s healthy. My mother was angry at my father. She was angry at him, as he laid in that hosipital bed, in a coma. At the time, it blew my mind. I realize, now, that she was angry that he was leaving her.

    You’re human. The conversation you and your husband had sounds HEALTHY. I commend you both for talking things out. I’d say that if you can, keep it up.

    You’re in a tough situation. Keep sane and keep looking up [at the sky] and contemplate your animals!

    God, so easy to give advice. I despise myself for doing it [giving advice] but I so understand this entry!

    :-} Hugr5

  25. Sometimes it takes some tough love.

  26. eof737 says:

    It worked out so the anger was not misplaced?

  27. sbcallahan says:

    it is not just ok … it is required.

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