wings and things

Disengagement dilemmas

on January 28, 2013

It is nearly 1.30 in the afternoon and I haven’t yet rung Anthony. This is very unusual.

Usually, I ring him multiple times per day beginning with the morning phonecalls. When I say multiple times, I mean multiple attempts. The big, easy-to-use mobile we got Ants goes to message bank after exactly 13 rings, so my system is to let it ring 12 times, hang up, and do the same thing a couple more times. I usually get him on the third try.

But, even when he answers the phone, he often can’t hear me because he is forgetting how to hold the phone to his ear, so I have to yell my side of the conversation. And sometimes, he starts pressing numbers on his phone and unintentionally cuts me off, so I have to begin the whole ritual again. I often have to ring the nurses to help Anthony answer his own phone.

I do this phonecall thing in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening regardless of whether I am visiting him or not (an average of every second to third day now).

When it works, our morning conversations are light-hearted (Ants is lucid), our afternoon conversations are mournfully hopeful (he is sad and wants to come home), and our evening conversatioms are bizarre (he is confused).

It is nearly 1.30 in the afternoon and I haven’t yet rung Anthony. I will wait, with my hand poised near the phone, with his number carved into my brain, with my heart splintering, until 4pm.


Because otherwise I will go stark, raving mad.

This is a very heavy love.

35 responses to “Disengagement dilemmas

  1. If you can do it – might be time to cut down the frequency to once a day like the visits are once every couple of days..just as you have today?

  2. bulldog says:

    Some how I’m almost tempted to agree with bodhisattvaintraining… but then I wonder how it will affect Ant… maybe the morning calls are the better ones to make…

    • jmgoyder says:

      I’m not sure. Ants needs me more on the phone in the evenings when he gets so distressed with confusion. I will see how he is when I ring at 4pm – 50 minutes to go. I am in tears.

      • bulldog says:

        Oh Julie I wish I could say something that would make it all feel better… the dilemmas that face you are so difficult… but one thing I’m pleased you can express your feelings in this forum… at least we know how you feel and can always give you a cyber hug and support..

      • jmgoyder says:

        I love cyberhugs!

  3. SnapInTime says:

    This makes my heart hurt for you. 😦

  4. mimijk says:

    It is had not to personalize this, for I have been on this road…I’m relieved that the 4PM call went well, and agree that finding the right time of day to call and calling just one during the day is probably best for you and for Ants (particularly if he is more unsettled after you speak). As you note this is a ‘heavy love’ – and I choose to play the song by Sade instead – ‘this is no ordinary love’…

  5. yellowlancer says:

    So hard. Catch 22. You want to spend as much time, make as many calls as you can because you love him, but this damned disease is stealing it all away just when you need him most. Brave decision, a good one, I think.

  6. victoriaaphotography says:

    What a difficult dilemma – lose out if you do, and miss out if you don’t.

    I’d be inclined to cut the calls down to mornings, despite the distress & emotional upheaval in the afternoon & evenings. I genuinely believe both of you are suffering too much from the emotional seasaw.

    I think it’s Time.

    Anthony is not in any condition to make some decisions now, so you’ll have to be the strong one and make them on his behalf.

    I know it’s heart-wrenching, but you & Anthony can’t continue this way. Can you get some expert medical advice on the kindest and best way to proceed with this daily contact. Get an objective opinion. Clinging to your regular contact times of the past needs revision.

  7. viveka says:

    Julie, I can’t image how tough your love really are – and I hope I will never found out the way you and Ming has. Maybe a phonecall per day is enough – if it now makes him unseattled. There is no advice to be given … that is something your heart and soul has agree on – but my thoughts are with you.

  8. I am sending you a bunch of hugs because that is the only constructive thing that I can think of, everyone has given you wonderful advice so my contribution will be in the form of spiritual hugs floating across the world over to you.:)

  9. Lynda says:

    I can offer you no more than what laurieanichols has already given you.
    My heart hurts for you, Julie. I am glad that the four o’clock call worked.
    xo, Lynda

  10. I read your two posts in opposite order so I now know the response by Ants ….I feel for your dilemma that you face each day……..Diane

  11. Robyn Lee says:

    yes – very heavy love ~ and just touches me so much xo
    checking on you ~ hellish travel day yesterday – 2 airplanes… getting ready for my
    appointment. will check in on you when can ~ i’m thinking of you ~ xo RL

  12. Anonymous says:

    Julie, I had read the follow-on to this post earlier, and I am glad your plan worked out. Take care, Bill

  13. Yes I agree with those who have said maybe you should cut it down to only morning calls if that is when he is most with it…………….

  14. Hi Julie. Thought i would let you know I am thinking of you. hugs ooo

  15. Sending good thoughts.

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