jmgoyder

wings and things

What did I say that for?

on March 12, 2013

pea 429

This morning I wrote a post about coincidences in which I said, I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is dying.

I don’t know why I said something so morbid when I wasn’t feeling morbid. I was feeling a curious mixture of fatalism and resignatiom, I guess, but not morbid.

Now, however, I do feel morbid because of my own stupid sentences and I wish I had said, I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is alive.

Some people philosophize that you begin to die as soon as you are conceived which is, of course, true, but not a particularly pleasant way of thinking about life.

When Anthony was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer and given 1-3 years to live (several years ago!) we were utterly devastated. I remember tearfully telling a friend and he said, Well, we are all dying aren’t we and another friend said, well, he’s had a good life. Neither of these comments were helpful, but they were true.

Anthony has outlived his prostate cancer prognosis only to fall into the arms of Parkinson’s disease. But I no longer think of this as cruel and tragic and neither does Anthony. In fact I have never seen the tiniest sign of self-pity from him in all these many years of illness.

Yes, Anthony is dying, but he is also living. And that’s a coincidence.

Oh yes and all the geese are alive and well, especially Godfrey!


45 responses to “What did I say that for?

  1. I didn’t read your other post as morbid, just matter of fact. Nice save with this one if it had been though šŸ™‚ x

  2. victoriaaphotography says:

    That the spirit, Julie.

    I say……Live in the Moment…….and enjoy every single second of it, as this moment will never come again. Soon……. tomorrow will become Today…….and Today will become yesterday.

  3. I love that photo of the geese, with the one in the centre clearly living life fully, and happily!

  4. bulldog says:

    I did not see the post as morbid.. merely that you were stating facts… Ant is alive and going on … who knows he might out live us all… he’ll go when the call is made and not a day before…

  5. tersiaburger says:

    When the death sentence is pronounced one’s life changes forever. Every event becomes a milestone. Milestones become celebrations. I was so sanctimonious in my acceptance of Vic’s imminent death and only appreciated the enormity of the loss after Vic died. Don’t beat yourself up. You are doing a remarkable job with the cards you have dealt.

  6. SnapInTime says:

    Honestly, I didn’t see it as morbid either. I’m sorry it has you feeling this way now, though.

  7. terry1954 says:

    you did such a good thing for yourself. turning a negative into a positive. I try real hard to see the glass as half full but it is difficult some days

  8. have not read the other post yet – but glad you changed your perspective

  9. Hugs to you Julie from chilly Canada!

  10. lucewriter says:

    I love how you turned it around.

  11. That is a great way to turn it around. That one goose seems to agree with you, he’s all feisty.

  12. Kozo says:

    Julie,
    You are such a deep soul. Your compassion even about words you use touches my heart. We are all dying which makes us all alive. If we lived forever, I don’t think we would live much at all. You have so much compassion for others. I ask you to have some for yourself. Your sentence was not morbid, nor stupid. It was the feeling you had at the time. Thank you for being. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

  13. viveka says:

    Julie, I think we ever can prepare ourselves for a love one is going to leave us – doesn’t matter if its matter about days, months or year – so all we can do is to embrace the days as they comes and live them to our best knowledge and strenght we have. I met quite a few woman during my treatments that knew that they only had months left to live and I never met women that calm and strong, when I asked them how they could be so calm and strong, the all gave me the same answer; I have accepted. Thank for sharing your thought … you, 3 are amazing … and learn from you everday. Fantastic post, Julie.

  14. FlaHam says:

    Julie, I read that this morning and said to myself that “julie had a reality check.” As we know not all reality checks are unpleasant. But it’s a lot a conversation my wife and I had the other day. She looked at me and said “Bill, you’re half way thru your 5th year.” Meaning that when I was given 3 to 5, that I was hanging in there and doing fairly well. I think what your saying to Misg is, “he’s hanging in there.” He'[s not gone. Take care, Bill

  15. dou dou says:

    You just noticed a lot of coincidences, not morbid at all

  16. Lynda says:

    You said it because it was on your mind, Julie. Is that a crime? I think not. šŸ˜‰

    LOVE that photo of Godfrey and his harem!!! BTW, Polly is now officially sitting (setting?) and Frellnick is ON THE JOB! Honking, hissing, wing flapping (looking like Godfrey) and in general boasting so the world will know all about it. It is anything but quiet here on the Farmlet. Three more weeks to go! šŸ˜€
    Love you!

  17. adinparadise says:

    You are all so very brave. Make every moment count, Julie. That’s all you can do. Hugs to you. xx

  18. elizabeth says:

    We understood what you were saying Jules. šŸ™‚

  19. Judith Post says:

    I’m surprised your moods don’t swing every hour and a half. It’s impossible not to get fatalistic once in a while when life is hard. I’m amazed at how well you and Anthony hit life head on.

  20. You said what you said because you are on that road and it was natural to think that way. Don’t beat yourself up – that’s a waste of time.

    Now you have had a re-think, how can you use that to celebrate the Anthony you still have, while you still have him?

    Perhaps make an album for Ming of this time, with photos, news cuttings, pictures of the birds, till receipts (e.g. for that great big truck), maybe even print out some blog posts. A record of a difficult period, yes; but with happy memories thrown in, that you can save for a time when Ming really needs it.

    When he’s eaten up with guilt about how he feels right now; you can show him that it wasn’t all like that.

  21. bluebee says:

    Godfrey is just thick-skinned! šŸ˜€

  22. sbcallahan says:

    sorry but this struck me a bit funny in a way. i can remember the first time someone said to me “we are all dying, it begins the moment we are born.” i just wanted to kick them for some reason. yes physiologically we are all dying, that is one of the coldest things to say to someone that is sharing their current crisis with you. i love the part of anthony is living, i say i am living with dying. that seems accurate. of course i don’t tell everyone this.

    for some reason i have not been getting the email when you post new so i hope i have fixed that problem. i hate not knowing how you are and what is new in your life. isn’t it great that tersia is back? you both mean so much to me now and though that is selfish i am not going to apologize for it.

  23. I have a friend dying now of liver cancer. He’s only 62 this May, so it’s hard to hear the platitudes of “he had a good life.” Yes, B has had a good life, but it is still cut short. I hate it when people spout platitudes to me. I know they mean well and don’t know what else to say. I would prefer they don’t say anything then give me empty words.

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