jmgoyder

wings and things

Commenting carefully

on April 6, 2013

The other day I was terribly upset to read a post by a blogger friend that indicated she’d been hurt by someone’s comment. Since I had made a comment on her previous post, in which I’d suggested something, I was sure that I was the culprit.

So I commented again to apologize only to be reasssured that it wasn’t me. The relief was enormous but the experience taught me an important lesson and this is it:

NEVER GIVE ADVICE UNLESS SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO!


61 responses to “Commenting carefully

  1. ytaba36 says:

    And, even then, be careful what you say!

  2. sbcallahan says:

    i completely agree, however, i would add that it is not unreasonable to think someone who is putting it out to the public is open to public opinion. it takes time and empathy to realize most of us can handle unsolicited advice while others are hurt by it.

    you would never cross that line. you are far too kind to be this kind of culprit! making a suggestion is not the same as being critical or telling someone what you think they need to do to “fix” their problem.

  3. that is good advice — though I have received a lot of hints and suggestions that I have found useful–sometimes you are just not in the mood for advice

  4. cobbies69 says:

    I know what you mean, Jules, I did a post about these sort of comments and people that leave them.. 🙂

  5. I follow that rule unless I know the person that I’m offering it to wants it…has previously indicated that it is helpful or has asked for it …usually it is thought offered Diane

  6. viveka says:

    This is internet for you and the written word can fall so wrong for somebody – because we can’t see each other when the words are “spoken” – words that normally wouldn’t effect us at all .. can come out so wrongly when read. I’m sure that we will all be upset over comments along the line .. but we have to take it for what it’s. And we can ask questions back and we can tell the person that it mad us upset and sort it out that way. I don’t think anyone wants to make somebody upset over a replay … but or course we should be more careful.
    Neither can we guess if the person in question are open for advice or not – everything can be set okay if we “talk” afterwards and also if we try read between the lines a bit too.

  7. Good “rule” to live by. But in my experience (I can only speak for myself) when I have seen/read advice offered, it has been done with sincerity and kindness, Even if it wasn’t asked for, advice is a “gift” and the receiver can say thank you and then do what they want with it. If it wasn’t asked for, they could just put it in the recycle box. 😉 I have a feeling if you offered “advice” it was done so with kindness, concern, or just because it was a “good” suggestion.

  8. Wonderful advice.:) I think that it’s already difficult to open yourself up and when comments come back and are negative, it is painful, the best that one can do is be supportive of the good points to a post. That is only my very humble opinion.

  9. I am completely offended now. Because you just gave me advice that I didn’t ask for by advising me not to give advice unless it’s asked for. 😉

  10. hugr5 says:

    Thanks for sharing that. It definitely rings true, at least in my life!

    I had to remind my housemate, recently, that if I’m “complaining” about something, it doesn’t mean he has to fix it. I just want him to listen.

    Not saying that happened to you and your friend. I’m saying you reminded me of something that happened to me.

    Again, thanks. 🙂 I like it when other people make me think!

  11. Yup. I’m learning this one — slowly and surely — and the best one’s to practice it on are my daughters 🙂

    They have no qualms telling me when I’m ‘crossing over’.

  12. I try not to give unsolicited advice but the odd time I have felt such a strong cosmic nudge to do so that I have given advice

  13. Anonymous says:

    good advice – tee hee. Good to support others and mind my own business.That has been a tough lesson. Sometimes what hurts from another’s advice may be exactly what I need to look at, either the advice or my reaction. Sigh…

  14. janechese says:

    Good advice- tee hee. That’s been a hard lesson for me to be supportive and mind my own business although I may when someone is a chronic complainer and draining me, but that is another story.. Sometimes when I perceive something as negative, it may be something that I need to look at or at least look at why I am reacting to it. Sigh..I remember contacting you once, asking if it was me who committed the offence-it wasn’t.

  15. That’s easier said than done.

    I recommend you think again.

  16. lucewriter says:

    Hmm, don’t give advice? Does that mean you don’t give Ming any ;)? That’s the price of the internet, I think. The bad with the good.

  17. FlaHam says:

    Julie, This is a feeling I know well, many a time I have offered up a flippant comment, or something cute to only reread at a later point and go “gee, I wish I had said that differently or not at all.” But I have been following you for close to a year, and I have never seen a comment that I thought was out of place, or rude, or meanful. You have been kind to all, even in your sillyness. Please take care, Bill

  18. dcwisdom says:

    Yes, ma’am. I’m guilty. I’m so sorry, ma’am.

  19. terry1954 says:

    it probably wasn’t you. you don’t have a mean word ever come from your mouth

  20. I know how that feels and it’s awful. Then there’s the torment over giving advise and wondering how it will be received. Arrrrrrrrgh. Glad you got relief.

  21. tootlepedal says:

    Ok. You can give me advice any time.

  22. Yeah it is terrible when we worry that we have said something in a comment that might has upset someone well those of us who give a damn if we upset someone get upset by such things…….there are some who really don’t give a damn and say some silly and hurtfull things in their comments………..

  23. It is sometimes hard to draw the line between what can be seen as advice or criticism; and so often people can take things the wrong way. I have been caught so many times, not in blogging comments, in real life. I am very careful what I say now too.

  24. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Hmmm – I can see how that might hurt. INDEED, not give advice unless invited. I would like to know what people think, myself. It’s all in how it’s said – and the worst is people saying you should do like them/they’re the way!

    Glad it wasn’t you anyhow, Julie – you don’t need that!!

  25. Julie, everyone knows you are a wonderful person! :))) I’m proud you are my friend… and I love your Gutsy9! Love, Gloria

  26. victoriaaphotography says:

    I have to admit I’m guilty of sometimes giving advice when none is required or requested.

    But I’m trying hard to listen more (and talk, or write, less). It’s not easy.

  27. My mom always said that free advice wasn’t worthwhile. I never understood this as a young woman, for I would look to her for advice that was never going to come. I try very hard not to give advice, and no one’s ever asked me for any.

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