The reason I have added a question mark to the title of this post is because I don’t know the answer in general. I only know my own way of apologizing, which is pretty much to roll in the dirt, say I am sorry over and over, and kiss the toes of people I don’t particularly like or understand anymore, hoping for some sort of forgiveness or reconciliation.
But there is something fundamentally skewed about this kind of apology because it implies guilt (mine – i.e. it is all my fault) and it also gives the person apologized to a very good reason to keep hold of his/her grudge, whatever it is. Sometimes that grudge has nothing to do with the present but has everything to do with the past and, when the past has somehow become toxic, you know you have a problem.
Ming and I were talking about all of this philosophical stuff today, after a fantastic lunch out with Ants and Meg, and we came to the conclusion that there were three ways to apologize and forgive: (1) Blip it, move on, act normal and civil, forget the hurtful things said/felt; or (2) Talk it through, be honest even if it means tears and/or recriminations, and tell me what the hell I have done that has hurt you so much; or (3) Distance.
Give me distance any day!
Sometimes Anthony imagines or hallucinates about past family conflicts and I have to reassure him that everything is okay now. I hate that he remembers incidents that are best forgotten and I hate that he forgets all is well now.
I always want to talk through these kinds of relationship conflicts – always! I want to put it all on the table, so to speak, but I am usually on my own because nobody wants to get into the nitty gritty of what the hell is wrong here, and nobody seems to want to apologize back!
Why?
I am so sick of saying I am sorry!
jmgoyder 