jmgoyder

wings and things

And on a lighter note!

on August 29, 2014

Last week Ming got his driver’s licence back. He had to do a written and a practical driving test and the very next day we went up to Perth to collect the little second-hand Toyota Yaris (he has christened it “Fran”) that he had arranged to buy with his savings. Obviously our insurance claim on his ute/truck didn’t pay, but even if it had, Ming never wants another ute again so someone bought it for parts and towed it away earlier in the month. The sight of it out in the back yard, for all of these past months, is not something I will miss although it still has a kind of ghostly presence there, slowly fading.

Ming felt there was one last thing he had to do (to move on, I guess) and that was to go back to the site of the accident and remove his P-plate from the tree he’d crashed into. After the accident it had been stuck up high on the tree and we were never sure if the police or insurance people did this to mark the spot for further investigation, or if it was just someone being nasty. In any case, yesterday, Ming took our old ute and a ladder up there and removed the P-plate. He also found bits of debris from the crash so he removed those too and brought them home to be taken to the dump.

Having regained his independence, the angry Ming of the last few months seems to have disappeared and the angelic Ming has returned – haha! In a way I guess we have now come full circle in the sense that he was a newly licenced driver when the accident occurred and now he is again a newly licenced driver but with an older head on his shoulders. So that is that. Or is it?

Naively, I had thought that once Ming got a car and his independence back, there would somehow be a feeling of closure (for me, I mean), but I relapsed last week into some of the feelings described in the last two posts. The closest I can get to describing this is to liken it to waking up just before a nightmare has come to its conclusion, so you never get to “The End”, and you don’t get that phew of relief that it was only a nightmare. Perhaps the notion of closure is a myth we have invented in order to make things neat and tidy again after a traumatic experience. Perhaps it is living with and beyond the absence of closure that makes people stronger, wiser, even kinder. I don’t know.

What I do know, however, is that I have never seen anything as funny as big, tall Ming folding himself into little, tiny “Fran”!


31 responses to “And on a lighter note!

  1. I can picture Ming folding himself into a car and it is a funny sight. lol Trauma is so singular in its various expressions and stages that waves coming and going may well be the best way to describe the emotional roller coaster. I am glad that today you sound much lighter Jules. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Vicki says:

    I suspect now that Ming has got his licence back and another car, you will continue to feel a little unsettled for some time. Eventually, deep in your subconscious, as time goes by and Ming has proved that he will take no more ‘silly joy rides’, you will eventually find your feelings settle into a more comfortable plateau.

    There’s more going on in that subconscious of yours that you think.

    And…….I suspect it might even take a while for Ming to fully recover his confidence on the road or farm. He may look happy and confident, but there’s probably more going on in his subconscious too. But having the recovery power of youth on his side, his subconscious may well recover quicker than yours.

    Be strong (as I know you are) and be kind to yourself. None of us are perfect and we ALL have little demons just waiting to play mind games with us. Mine are waging a full scale war at the moment and I’m taking my anger at a certain family member out on our community garden. It’s looking stunning after all the work I’ve put in this past week.

    Lots of love & hugs
    Vicki
    x

  3. I don’t think full ‘closure’ is achieved easily… but instead levels of it. I think bit by bit..memory by memory… it happens, and one day when it does pop into your mind you realize you haven’t thought about it for awhile.. and that it doesn’t bring as much hurt or sadness to you… Diane

  4. Terry says:

    Congratulations Ming!!!! There is no true closure when you have a child, no matter how old. You just continue to build chapters that link to your life

  5. Good to hear he has got his licence back and another car, closure is hard to come by those who say it comes easy don’t know what they are talking about

  6. Glad things are moving on , even if slowly

  7. susanpoozan says:

    So sorry things are still bad for you though glad you can find amusement when offered it.

  8. I’m happy to hear of the healing taking place. Maybe the actual cleaning up of the rubbish left behind by the accident was cathartic and a very good step on the path away from this time. Continued healing for both of you (all of you) is my hope.

  9. Tall Ming folding himself into little, tiny โ€œFranโ€! Didn’t expect your piece to end that way but then that’s the whole theme or your post today, isn’t it. We just don’t know what’s around the corner, and trauma seems to wring itself out long after one “thinks” it’s all dry. Hoping for more laughter around your corners, and Mings.

  10. So…. here’s what I know about nightmares….. if I get an ending that disturbs me, I can train my mind to go back to sleep to create the ending that eases my distress…

    So…. the ‘ending’ of the story is the beginning of a beautiful new chapter in your lives! How beautiful is that?

    Hugs — glad to see and hear the lightness in your being.

  11. Rhonda says:

    You’ve got the idea about closure Jules. No such slam of the past’s door exists. But little by little, day by day, it slowly swings shut behind you. Vicki, Diane, Terry…they are all correct, as are you. It’s a multi-faceted dilemma, no one answer, as well as a different answer for each of us. And while I’m thinking of it…how about a snapshot of the mingster getting in (or out) of the franster? lol…worth it’s weight I tell ya! xoxo

  12. Closure is like a defective zipper–it keeps popping open just when you thought it was fixed.

  13. tootlepedal says:

    It may never go away. I still wake up worried about stupid things I did fifty years ago. I try to find useful things to do to take my mind off the past.

  14. FlaHam says:

    Julie, I don’t have a clue of the level of crisis you, Ming and Ants have lived thru this past year. I also don’t know about closure, but I can hope from the bottom of my heart that you can rid yourself of the dark feeling this event has caused you. I hope that the symbolic and real things that Ming has done to put the pain aside truly helps him, now and well into the future. I know neither of you will every truly put it aside. So when it does rear itsโ€™ ugly head, I hope the bite, the pain is a more tolerable level. Julie you have always been a brave strong woman, who I have always looked up to, so I can say I hope wish and pray all the best for you. Please take care, Bill

  15. My own experience has been that closure comes when you forgive yourself. x

    Good news about Ming.

  16. Trisha says:

    It’s good to hear about the renewed license and the new car! I hope the ghosts from that night can now begin to fade away.

  17. tersiaburger says:

    Well done Ming. I am so happy he can move forward.

  18. Judith Post says:

    We’ve had one house guest after another this summer. All fun, but I got behind on blog posts. Glad I saved them to read now, because I’m so happy Ming has his license back. And I’m thinking getting a fresh start comes with old memories, so maybe closure will come later.

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