wings and things

I miss Anthony so much ….

on May 10, 2015

I have had a really horrible week – restless, agitated, depressed, apathetic, confused, overwhelmed etc. Partly this is to do with beginning (again!) to read Eckart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, and subsequently failing in my attempts to stop thinking which is much more difficult than it sounds. It is also due to Ming’s near accident the other day and my psychosomatic reaction. I miss Anthony so much. I do understand that a racing mind can be detrimental to overall health, especially mental health, but the more I try to stop my mind racing, the more it races – argh! I miss Anthony so much. Also, after many months with being/feeling okay about Anthony being so debilitated, and spending many hours of most days with him in his nursing home room, I have suddenly been struck with a new sensation – loneliness. I miss Anthony so much. I’ve never felt lonely before: I love being alone, and I have so many friends, so the reason for this new lonely sensation only hit me today, and it hit me in a storm of hail-stone memories. I miss Anthony so much. Perhaps, Tolle is right in that every single moment I spend with Anthony in the nursing home becomes the new now and, yes, those moments are wonderful. But I miss Anthony so much.

63 responses to “I miss Anthony so much ….

  1. Lee says:

    Have a wonderful day and think of the good times.

  2. mimijk says:

    There is little one can say except that – I understand, I feel your sorrow and ache that you hurt..And sometimes, the ‘now’ is just damn hard.

  3. Now, I fully understand Julie

  4. Denise says:

    I t think Tolle’s point is not that the being in the now is wonderful – it’s that it’s the only thing there is. We judge it wonderful or otherwise. And when we judge against what is so, we add layers and layers of unhappiness. Accept it, leave it or change it – those are the tools he gives us to work with. It’s all we can ever do. Yet it’s so goddamn hard, for sure.


  5. fgassette says:

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  6. While I was reading your post I couldn’t help but think of life as being one long roller coaster with as many lows as there are highs and I want this low to be very short for you and that you start climbing back up towards a new high. Hugs Jules xoxo

  7. If I were there right now, I’d listen deeply to your heart, hug you and listen some more.

    Much love and virtual hugs.

  8. Julie, my Heart is touched …I’m so sorry you have to suffer. I wish I could wave a magic wand, make your world right again. Just know I care with my Heart … Love, Gloria I know the waves that wash over you …

  9. You’ve been so brave sharing everything about this journey.

  10. Terry says:

    Even today, I hold a great lonliness within me. I have my children, but my parents and Al are gone. When Al was here, I missed the male companion by my side. Someone whom I could lean on, someone I could ask their opinions. I was hit one day very hard emotionally when I realized I was responsible for Al. Would he be alright with decisions I was making for him. Was it the right moment to take him off his medications. Would he have lived longer if I would have kept him on his medications. The decision making was mine to bear, all alone, and this was sometimes too much for me to handle, causing me to go into a depression. Walking in to see Al and putting on the biggest, fake smile I could muster. He is gone, and yet his void is very big in my physical life and my heart. I have to keep busy, other wise, I want to sleep all the time, and see no one. I don’t know if you are having these feelings or not, but if you are, I am right here beside you, hugging you and completely understanding of your position. Happy Mother’s Day and lots of love and hugs.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Thanks, Terry – I knew you would understand – I feel so bereft all of a sudden, when I thought I was coping. I am so grateful for your empathy and support xxx

      • Terry says:

        It’s okay dear friend, and please understand, these feelings won’t remain permanent, but instead will visit and leave when you least expect it. Love you big!!!!!

  11. […] I Miss Anthony so Much – Jmgoyder […]

  12. Sreejit Poole says:

    This was very moving. Thank you for sharing.

  13. Hugs for you Julie. ❤
    Diana xo

  14. janeslog says:

    Regarding the near accident, it was a near miss and didn’t happen. When on the road you need all your wits about you. Take account of the road conditions. You won’t have ice on the road to look out for, but rain can cause slippy road surfaces especially after a long dry spell when all the dried in diesel and oil comes to the surface and makes it as slippy as ice.

    To stop the loneliness you should join some groups such as a walking group, cricket club, church etc. Groups are always looking for new members and in all the groups I am a member of we welcome new people.

    The cricket club is usually very good as all you do is watch the action on the pitch while chatting with your friends. I enjoy it even although my club (Tunnock’s Uddingston) is not playing so well.

  15. Judy says:

    Dearest Julie, I think the larger picture is the dark cloud that has a name. It is “anticipatory grief.” I looked up the definition and here it is:

    The normal mourning that occurs when a patient or family is expecting a death. Anticipatory grief has many of the same symptoms as those experienced after a death has occurred.

    I wish there was more I could say or do. Of course it must be very lonely to deal with this. No one can feel or imagine what you are going through.

  16. ksbeth says:

    hugs to you and anthony, jules.

  17. I can “say” I understand Julie, but I think it would almost be rude of me to say so because truthfully I can only say I can try to imagine how you must feel. And I truly don’t think I can imagine it. I only think I can. But part of me wants to just sit here and sympathize, and empathize with you. These great distances between people we ‘get to know’ indeed make it difficult. When our only ‘relationship’ is communication/words-we really do get to know one another. We don’t fill our “time” with silence, or movies, or ball games, or parties, or action. Our actual interactions are words. But times like this…..I miss the ability to sit in silence with a friend and just …

  18. Ann Koplow says:

    Amazing, heart-felt post, Julie. I feel so honored to connect with you here.

  19. dogdaz says:

    I understand that the Anthony of now, is not the one you miss. Being present keeps you busy, but that hole, which his younger self filled for you, stays empty. Hard, stupid reality. Sorry for your pain. Loneliness is real and not easy to quell. The more present you can be the better. You continue to amaze me. Take care. – Lorian

  20. Rhonda says:

    {{{Hugs}}} my beautiful friend. I wish there was something I could do to help…xoxo

  21. tootlepedal says:

    Racing minds are a real pest and hard to get shot of. I hope that you can get yours to slow down soon. Perhaps just writing this post will have helped a bit. If good wishes can help, you have ours.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Writing it did help but I feel so exposed sometimes. You Tootlepedals are a great example to me of how to be/BE. You are a constant source of inspiration and interest to me. Thanks so much for your support.

      • tootlepedal says:

        You make me feel bad when you thank us for support because our life is so easy compared to yours. Stick in Julie, you deserve some peace.

  22. I found this so sad and so moving

  23. My Heartsong says:

    Important to be in this moment of loneliness, too.No, it sucks, but be in the moment and it will pass. Hugs.

  24. Vicki says:

    It’s such a totally normal emotion to miss your beloved. The love you share is something that many ‘singles’ (like me) might not understand as we are used to being alone. We are used to being independent and making our own decisions. I can only imagine how hard it must be to wake up in the morning without that familiar face to greet you.

    Northing ever takes away that special sharing and caring that you experienced in your marriage when you were both under the one roof 24/7. And nothing can take away the loneliness you are experiencing right now.

    On this aspect I, as a single, can’t offer anything except love and support.

    One day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so much. One day you’ll wake up without looking at that empty side of the bed with longing. One day you’ll adjust to being single, but in the meantime, try to channel those thoughts of emptiness into positives by spending as much time with friends, family and the nursing home as you can manage.

    You’re a ‘people’ person and people are what you need to fill the gap at this time in your life.

    Lots of Love

    • jmgoyder says:

      Oh Vicki thank you so much for this advice and insight. The strange thing is that I love being alone and never feel lonely as such; I only feel lonely for Anthony. Thanks for being such a kind and interesting friend. Jx

  25. It is so understandable Julie, you love Anthony and being with him but at the same time wistful for how it used to be… take care… Diane xx

  26. Hugs, Julie. I feel for you! ❤

  27. Tiny says:

    Life puts us on a roller coaster…the upward and onward will come. Much love & hugs

  28. artfulanxiety says:

    I miss him too. I also miss the moment of “now” a lot as well – always so unreachable.

  29. lensgirl53 says:

    Sending special hugs and a special understanding about loss…your life is not the same anymore and “now” is still sad.

    • jmgoyder says:

      I loathe my self-pity when I compare it to other people’s more legitimate grief, like yours.

      • lensgirl53 says:

        Jules, do not think that way. Your loss is just that YOUR LOSS and it is as great as my own. I do not fault you for grieving what has already happened to your “normal yesterday life”….yesterday affects our now and our tomorrows….it is just the way it is. Feels my hugs from across the waters!!

  30. susanpoozan says:

    So very sorry to read of your sadness, much sympathy

    • jmgoyder says:

      I feel a bit silly for being so ‘confessional’ but, after months of being fine and accepting, the whole sad thing hit me like a whip. Thanks, Susan.

  31. living in the now is according to many the healthiest and happiest way we can live. don’t we need some mix of both our history with our now? most of the time i am very good at the now, however, i am mere mortal and can’t help but think of other happy times. to the true disciple of the now i am losing this moment. i don’t believe that. i know that chris must often think of the days when i was livelier and healthier. hell i think of those days!

    PTSD does indeed cause the somatic reaction, however, that does not as you know make it less physically painful. my heart goes out to you and i send you love and healing thoughts my friend

  32. bulldog says:

    All I can offer is the normal with much feeling… STERKTE….

  33. paulaacton says:

    Life is shit sometimes, there are days where as much as you try to put on a smile you can’t fool anyone not even yourself and guess what? It is perfectly okay to feel that way, you are human and it is okay to not be okay. I don’t need to tell you it will pass because you know it, you have been through worse before and come out stronger the other end. Pretty sure at some point we have all been snotty, snivelly messes screaming at the ether “What else you wanna throw at me?” then immediately regretting our words just incase. Parkinsons cannot take away the things that really matter like the love you share and life you created, and it is perfectly natural to be terrified by the thought of Ming in another crash after the last one but hey lets face it he is going scare the life out of you for many more years to come before he settles down and creates a new generation to worry about, that is one of the joys of parenthood. Just wait till he moves out of home and is too ‘busy’ to call for a week and you feel like a nag trying to get in touch just to hear he is okay (this is my life at the minute though she moved out a couple of years ago but while she was at uni she was always in touch needing things now she is working full time she doesn’t require mummy’s bank account it is different lol).

    Just go easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel what you need to, once you acknowledge it, feel it, it will pass, try bottling things up you are just going to make yourself

  34. Trisha says:

    I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough week. My thoughts and heart are with you.

  35. Val Boyko says:

    Sending you a loving light filled hug Julie. It is natural to feel such sadness for the loss of what was as we come to accept the reality that is. Its all okay. Be with where you are. There is nowhere else you need to be.

  36. Judith Post says:

    You’ve been so wonderful to embrace the “new” moments with Anthony and cherish them so much, but I can empathize with missing the “old” Anthony. You’re in a tough place, but you’re dealing with it beautifully.

  37. I understand that racing mind, and the missing Jules. How are you now?

  38. […] I Miss Anthony so Much – Jmgoyder […]

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