wings and things


on May 30, 2015

Yesterday, a nurse and her husband visited the nursing home with their beautiful newborn in his pram. I bumped into them in the hallway outside Anthony’s room and was absolutely thrilled to see this beautiful baby and asked them if they could wheel the pram into Anthony’s room so he could see the baby. Of course they were delighted to do so.

But then everything went wonky. For the entire afternoon, Anthony was distressed about the baby.

Anthony: We already have one; we don’t need another baby.

Me: He isn’t our baby, Ants! They just wanted to show him off to you!

Anthony: Where’s the baby?

Me: He’s gone home with his parents; he isn’t our baby, Ants!

Anthony: I’m worried about our baby.

Me: Please, Anthony, he is not our baby; they were just visiting!

I was with Ants for the whole afternoon and, every time he woke up from dozing, he became anxious about the baby. I have never seen him this confused before so I guess we are entering a new phase.

38 responses to “Confusion

  1. Vicki says:

    Time to be a little creative with the conversation perhaps.

    Time to agree with Anthony and say, you’re right, we don’t need another baby because we already have little Ming.

    Are you able to divert the conversation around to just focus on Ming?

    I sympathise when situations get a wee bit difficult. I’m sure you’ll think of some creative way to deal with Anthony’s anxiety.


    • jmgoyder says:

      My niece is on the brink of giving birth and my beautiful mother has been making baby shawls in Anthony’s room for ages (we’ve given these to the various pregnant staff) so there has been a lot of baby talk. I will do as you suggest and divert the conversation!

  2. Maybe the baby triggered something in the recesses of his mind… ?? Diane

  3. Aww I hate that he’s stressed about it Jules. ā¤
    Diana xo

  4. artfulanxiety says:

    Just makes me want to reach in there and pull him back out. xx

  5. KDKH says:

    I hope it’s just temporary…

  6. Judy says:

    I’m so sorry, Julie. It sounds sad and painful. He is not part of your world and moments like this are very isolating. My heart aches for you.

    • jmgoyder says:

      I hope he will have forgotten the baby by the time I get in this afternoon.

      • Judy says:

        So much suffering from dementia. He is confused but you cannot forget what is sadly missing. I’m glad you hold onto memories and treasure him. But you’ve lost the man who once was your soulmate. He’s still there, but he’s more like your child. How you must long for what you once had.

  7. susanpoozan says:

    How very unfortunate, I hope he will have forgotten the next time you visit. You cannot know how he is going to react to something outside his normal experience.

  8. Val Boyko says:

    I expect that there was too much stimulation at once for the mind to make sense of. Overwhelm brings anxiety and confusion.
    Keeping things soothing and simple is calming and reassuring.

  9. I am assuming that when Ming was a baby Anthony was over the moon, so perhaps seeing the baby triggered those emotions and thus the confusion. I hope that he will have moved over to another focus by the time you see him next. Hugs to both of you!

  10. Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear about the outcome of your lovely idea. Maybe he’s in a new phase and perhaps when you’re with him today, he’ll be okay. It’s hard to know what things get triggered and pass and what things are part of the changing disease. You’ve such a kind heart, a big heart. I wish we lived in friendship distance so I could stop giving cyber hugs and come give you the real thing. Hope today’s a good day for you. And Ants. Love, P ā¤

  11. Lynda says:

    I’m glad today was better, Julie. It is hard to deal with someone who is not living in reality. I tried with my grandmother when I was younger. There was no reasoning with her. I tried also with my brother and had no success. Sometimes it is easier to just go with the moment and to wait it out.
    Your strength of heart is amazing.

  12. Oh Julie, bless his heart for worrying about the baby. I’ve read through comments and see that he is better today. His worries just speak of the man he is. He fell asleep remembering the baby and woke up worried about the baby. I’m so sorry it caused him anxiety. And you as well. How was Anthony when the baby was actually still there? Did he find it adorable?

    I’m glad he is better today. I remember my aunt telling my cousin to just agree with Grandma when she said there were bugs on the sandwich (take it to another room, put it on another plate so she can see the difference), and agree that snowmen are sitting on the roof. Agreeing with her seemed to be less anxiety inducing (this is kind of piggy backing on what your first comment said).

  13. paulaacton says:

    Okay personal question coming up but am just wondering, was Ming always going to be an only child or was there a discussion, a reason for just the one? I just wondered if the baby has triggered some memory from the past, a conversation had between the two of you or other family? I know at the end with my gran’s dementia she could not remember what she had for breakfast but could recall entire conversations she had with her mother.

  14. ksbeth says:

    aw- what i found with my mom, as she progressed through this awful disease, is to keep things as routine and normal as possible. anything out of the usual and she was almost always distressed by it. it’s a sad progress and hard to take at times -hugs)

  15. janeslog says:

    Might have been triggered because he was dozing on and off. It’s like when you travel a long distance on a train or plane and doze off. When something wakens you suddenly it causes a bit of confusion until you remember where you are.

  16. Rhonda says:

    Glad today was better Jules xoxo

  17. Judith Post says:

    Maybe the baby triggered deep set emotions in him. Maybe different stimuli trigger different reactions.

  18. It is distressing when things like this happen but you will find the right way to deal with this new stage of confusion

  19. well how is the baby??? sorry, i can’t imagine how sad this must be and with each new level reached it just becomes more heartbreaking. if he could spare you this he would as you know. you are so fortunate to have this love and this chance to just “be” with each other. it breaks my heart for you both. sending you love, love and more love my friend

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