jmgoyder

wings and things

Swings and roundabouts

on October 4, 2015

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Yesterday I said, rather blithely, “I refuse to be sad” (about Anthony’s Parkinson’s disease etc.). This morning I realised why it’s possible for me to say this.

Anthony isn’t sad!

It’s as simple as that. Okay, so saddish moments come and go, and the first year of him being in the nursing home was a hell of mutual sorrow. But, in retrospect, it was me shedding most of the tears, not Anthony. In fact often, when I left to come home, he would comfort me.

But it’s now that matters and in-the-now neither of us is sad, which is a bit of a miracle really. The weird irony is that I would not be able to cope with Anthony’s illnesses if it weren’t for his own emotional resilience. I’m not very good at emotional resilience, but Ants is.

People often think that the person in the nursing home is the vulnerable one and that he or she is the one in need of comfort. But sometimes it’s the other way around; it’s the visiting spouse or daughter, or grandson, or friend, who is in need of comfort.

Anthony comforts me!

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17 responses to “Swings and roundabouts

  1. You do the same for him, I’m sure Jules. xxoo Hugs

  2. So true… family and those who love the one in the nursing home, are often more sad.. Diane

  3. susanpoozan says:

    That is great to hear/read!

  4. I felt the same way when Mom was in the home with advanced Alzheimers. Going to see her often made me feel better because she was without angst of any sort.

  5. I can totally see how that would be true Julie. Hugs to you and Ants. ❤
    Diana xo

  6. Love. We find our joy where it is!

  7. Judy says:

    When I read your posts, Julie – It is such a genuine love story. No doubt, Ants loves you so much and doesn’t want you to worry about him. It’s easy to see why you treasure him and your marraige. I do think being sad is unavoidable because you are dealing with that anticipatory grief, that I often bring up. But focusing on the beautiful present is a fantastic way to banish that. Anticipation is what can bring you down.

  8. Anthony is still filling his space, his role, and doing it well Julie.

  9. Terry says:

    I used to go home and cry many times after leaving Al through visiting him in the nursing home. I knew he didn’t like it either, and neither of us smiled big, until I had him home again. With Ants, he seems content on just being near you, this is a good thing

  10. tootlepedal says:

    There is much to think about here.

  11. I so get this, I can remember my pop telling mum that it was the best place for him and to not be sad about it

  12. Vicki says:

    Its OK to be sad, Julie……for a short while….when you have sad things happen.

    That’s a natural emotion. We are all sad every now and then.

    It’s when you go beyond sad and are not able to respond or experience positive emotions that it starts becoming a problem.

  13. there will be a time for sadness, now is the time for living, laughing and loving! it is so true that people might think it is the one who is ill that needs the emotional support when i have found that to be just the opposite. i often need a little time to decide how i am going to give bad news to those i love without making it seem like bad news. there have been times when i have comforted the doctors and tried to make them feel better about having to give bad news. i just think of how lucky i am to have time with my family, now matter how much time that is. too many will sleep alone tonight and not have hope for a better day tomorrow. my days are not as “good” as they once were but the bad days are filled with love and laughter.

    i know they will have a time for feeling sad. i wish i could prevent it but i won’t be here to cheer them up. for now i try to remain positive and to keep them from mourning before it is time.

    sending you love and big warm hugs my friend!

  14. Barb says:

    So true. There’s such stress in the caretaking. Thank you for saying this out loud.

  15. lensgirl53 says:

    You are right. I think it is a protective measure built into dementia type conditions. My mom is always in a good mood and seems to have forgotten or just accepted her situation by being in the nursing home. It is the rest of us tearing up and wishing things were different. The other day I jokingly asked my mom if the Pope had visited her while he was there in Philadelphia….and guess what…her answer was “yes, he was here in all of his white and he prayed for me.”…..I didn’t correct her I just accepted her answer as “her truth.” There will be a lot of “her truths” in the future. She seems to have created her own little world just so she can cope and survive. From all that you share about Ants, I think it must be the way it is for him too. I am glad you are smiling today and can share it with the world. You are a blessing to Ants as he is for you.

  16. Judith Post says:

    My dad was like Anthony. He had multiple myaloma (sp?) for years before his blood became too thick to pump. But he took all of the hospital visits and transfusions in his stride and did his best to make US happy. Pretty wonderful.

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