wings and things


on March 5, 2016

I remember the day, decades ago, when I discovered an enormous spider in the kitchen of Anthony’s house. Anthony was milking the cows and his mother, who we all called ‘Gar’, was having her afternoon nap, and I was trying to get the lumps out the white sauce I was trying to make on the Aga, to mix with the tinned salmon. I was nineteen and, even though I’d lived in Papua New Guinea for three years and I wasn’t afraid of spiders, I thought it best if I killed this particular giant.

So I found the fly spray and used almost the whole can to crumple the spider onto the kitchen floor. It died simultaneously with the white sauce which I only just rescued the Aga from (another story).

When Anthony came in from milking, I told him about my heroics proudly. He was aghast.

Anthony: You killed Martha?

Me: What do you mean?

Anthony: Martha is our pet spider, Jules.

Me: Oh no, I’m so sorry.

Anthony: Mum will be devastated.

Me: But you didn’t tell me you had a pet spider. Why didn’t you tell me?

Anthony: Where is she?

Me: Your mum? She’s resting.

Anthony: No – where is Martha?

Me: I’m so sorry but I put her into the outside rubbish bin. (I begin to cry).

Anthony: Jules – I am kidding!

Okay, so over 35 years later, I am sitting next to Anthony in the nursing home and he is boringly slumbery, so I put my face up close – nose to nose – and shout “Wake up!” His eyes open but he doesn’t focus. I keep my face close to his and all of a sudden he launches up in his armchair with an unexpectedly loud “BOO!”and nearly head-butts me.

Me: You scared the hell out of me, Ants!

Anthony: That was the desired effect, my dear.





16 responses to “Shenanigans

  1. Glad Ants hasn’t lost his sense of humor. RIP Martha. That was a good one and in the parts where I live, where people love nature to a fault it could have been true, lol. Have a good weekend. 🙂

  2. judyrutrider says:

    Sometimes your stories are so funny I suspect you of embellishment. (I’m a firm believer in not letting the truth get in the way of a good story) But then I realize that life IS that funny if we only open our minds to it.

  3. susanpoozan says:

    Two wonderful conversations, thank you.

  4. men!! they never fail to surprise us.

  5. I love reading you daily offerings–I do not comment every day because a lot of times I read you on my phone and do not have that capability–but I am always here. You are a joy my friend!

  6. This has truly been a fascinating look from afar at how this disease affects a person yet how people maintain so much of themselves. You’re very brave to share this with the world.

  7. Thank you, I could just picture you killing “Martha”, he really had you going for a moment, and so nice to hear that he can still scare the hell out of you

  8. tootlepedal says:

    You brought a smile to my face again.

  9. Terry says:

    I love reading your stories

  10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love you two, I really do.

  11. Trisha says:

    LOL!!! Hilarious, especially that last line!

  12. Lynda says:

    Oh, that is too funny! I do hope that you laughed too, well, once you were over the shock. 😉

  13. The spider story is something like my husband would do to me. When we had been dating only a short time he told me he was a different religion.. .one that was definitely not Christian, and I so worried about what I should do. I liked him so much but couldn’t embrace what he said…. Finally after a day or so, he told me he was just kidding…. (I could have whacked him over the head)….. but alas just breathed a sigh of relief….. Diane

  14. Ann Koplow says:

    I love this post, Julie. Thank you.

  15. Rhonda says:

    Hahaha….he’s got guts! Had that been me, my instinct would have been to slap him! lol…I react that way when someone scares me. You two are so cute…xo

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