wings and things


on June 29, 2017

I used to brag to people that I wasn’t lonely, that I was comfortable with being alone, and comfortable with my own company. But, since Anthony has been in the nursing home – nearly six years now – I have experienced such a piercing loneliness, and a longing for him to be home again (impossible) that sometimes I want to howl like an abandoned, injured animal. We are on 100 acres of farmland so, with no close neighbours, sometimes I do howl. I try very hard not to do this in front of Ming but sometimes it just happens – the uninhibited grief, the howl of longing for the impossibility of Anthony coming back home, the absolute misery of our situation.

On the other hand, I am not willing to give in to this kind of despair and I am determined to continue to make myself at home in Anthony’s nursing home room.

I would never want him to be as lonely as I am.

15 responses to “Lonely

  1. Writer Lori says:

    Hard to hit the ‘like’ button on this post, Julie, but wanted you to know that your voice was heard and that your loneliness is understood….

    • jmgoyder says:

      Thanks, Lori – I did a day of volunteering at two places today and saw/heard much worse situations than ours. In between the two volunteer jobs, I saw Anthony of course and he was fine. It is me who isn’t fine. Thank you so much for your support x

  2. You have such a beautiful heart.

    Something I used to do when my emotions flowed faster than my capacity to set them free… I would take a dozen eggs, go into the woods and hurl them at trees and rocks and scream out loud. Sometimes, my daughters and I did it together — it was a great release and didn’t hurt the trees and was food for the animals. 🙂 They loved the opportunity to release their frustrations with me.

    Hugs Julie.

  3. My heart goes out to you. It is wonderful that you do not want Anthony to feel what you feel. Julie, you are a wonderful, loving, and intelligent person–and though I live a world away, I am so with you.

  4. KDKH says:

    As my nest empties and I find my self alone in my house – an impossibility for many years – I too get lonely. My husband is alive and fit, but travels for business quite a bit. There is grief for the old life and a difficulty establishing a new normal that works for me. I’m glad that you have a few supports around such as your Mom, Ming, and extended family. But they don’t sit with you at the breakfast table, sleep with you, etc. I had hoped that your puppy would be more of a help for you. My cats, dogs, and birds help quite a bit. Sending you thoughts of belonging and comfort.

  5. susanpoozan says:

    Oh dear! Words of mine cannot help but I have you in my mind and, being a churchgoer, in my prayers.

  6. My heart goes out to you, Julie. It’s good that you are getting into some volunteer activities. It’s human contact, if nothing else.

  7. my heart goes out to you. I do hope you can feel more comfort

  8. I don’t like your loneliness. I do like your truth and courage.

  9. tootlepedal says:

    Nothing to say but that my thoughts are with you and Ming.

  10. ksbeth says:

    you are overflowing with compassion for others, make sure that you have this for yourself as well, and take care –

  11. I am often thinking about you and Ming and Ants. Wish I could be there to offer hugs and personal support.

  12. The loneliness you are feeling is different then just being lonely it is because of the love you have for Anthony

  13. I know that loneliness…I like the idea of howling or throwing something in nature…need to find a place for that! As others have said I like how you said you wouldn’t want Ants to feel that loneliness. Thinking of you, Julie x

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