wings and things

A sense of peace

on October 5, 2017

Today, for the first time in the six weeks since Anthony died, I experienced a sense of peace and, now that it has lasted several hours, I trust this sense.

I did a radio interview this morning with Stan Shaw

It was a bit nerve-wracking to do this interview because my grief is still so raw but I’m very glad to have spoken about Anthony’s dementia and his death. I was terrified that I might cry during the interview but I didn’t and it was a pre-recording anyway, not live. My mouth kept getting dry and water-slurping probably doesn’t sound so good on radio. Stan assured me this would be edited out, and gave me a hug as I left the studio. What a lovely man. Thanks, Stan.

I have graduated from the weird adrenaline rush of the initial grief and shock, to the dull thud of unbearable sorrow, to today’s sense of peace but I realise that these stages of grief are not linear. I might have to re-live them over and over. If only there were a fast-track to overcoming grief, but there isn’t.

For a man of 81 who survived kidney cancer, prostate cancer and Parkinson’s disease dementia, for over a decade, most people would think that death would be a relief for him, for me, for Ming, for all of us. No! On the Friday before his death on the following Wednesday, he was fine. Yes, he was bedridden but he wasn’t in physical pain and he always had a fantastically intuitive grasp of his own mental health and would often say to me “I’m nearly better now, Jules.”

And I would always reply with a ‘yes’.

I want that Friday before he died back; I want to re-visit the days before I didn’t know he was going to actually die; I want his big, warm hand in mine; I want him back, just for one more moment. It is said that grief is a form of love that doesn’t know where to go and I really get that now.

It is lovely to be experiencing a new sense of peace today.


12 responses to “A sense of peace

  1. good to hear Julie, but as you say, grief isnt linear. have a good day lass

  2. susanpoozan says:

    Am thrilled for you, long may the sense of peace last.

  3. ksbeth says:

    i’m so glad that you are beginning to have moments of peace. they will eventually become longer and longer stretches, with the other feelings bubbling up in between, sometimes when least expected, but eventually your times of peace will be the majority of the time and you will regain your balance once again.

  4. mimijk says:

    One moment at a time…hugs, m

  5. Julie… I’m so glad that you have that sense of peace… There are for sure levels/stages of grief… and perhaps you will feel them again, but I pray that if/when they come it is with a lesser degree!… Diane

  6. Judi Lynn says:

    Hang in there. It takes time.

  7. I want that for you Julie.

  8. tootlepedal says:

    I hope that your moment of peace stretches out a bit.

  9. tersiaburger says:

    It is a rollercoaster my friend. Thinking of you with love!

  10. Lisa Rest says:

    Peace. I wonder what inner peace is. Maybe it starts out as a form of acceptance, or just being. Accepting change, sometimes letting go, other times embracing or dealing with it on its own level. It’s difficult to equate emotional pain with the physical kind but I think maybe these are the conversations I’ve had with the latter. May peace embrace you, Julie.

  11. I’ve been away from blogging for a while, Julie. My sincere condolences to you and your family. *hugs*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: