jmgoyder

wings and things

Dreaming about death

on October 21, 2017

Ever since Anthony died, 8.5 weeks ago, I have had dreadful dreams, nightmares really. I’m sure this is normal when someone who has been dying very slowly, over many years, from many diseases, actually does die.

It was so fast! Even in retrospect, the suddenness of Anthony’s death still shocks me. How did I not see this coming after years, months, weeks, days, hours, then minutes? I was prepared to stay at the nursing home, sleeping in the armchair next to his bed; I even had my pyjamas with me. I thought it would be a few days but I wasn’t sure.

The first dream was terrible – a nightmare really – Ants was in the hospital and they were cutting him open to find a reason. Thankfully, this nightmare hasn’t recurred.

But there is a persistent dream that repeats itself over and over in which I go to the nursing home to visit Anthony and am told that he died. So I visit the person who is in Anthony’s room but that person is never there and the room is always empty. So I sit, waiting, in that room, until the staff force me to leave. They are gentle but firm with me and I am told not to come back.

I wish I could stop/prevent having both of these dreams but it just happens! Visiting the various people (residents and staff) at the nursing home has become impossible for the time being because I am just not strong enough.

This grief has the solidity of mud and fairy-floss – gentle, violent, an impossible paradox. With all my heart, I just wish I could have had a few more days with this beautiful man.

 

 

 

 

 


17 responses to “Dreaming about death

  1. I know I’ve said this many times over the years Julie…..but I must say it again. I love your love.

  2. Judy says:

    Completely understandable and I remember having horrible dreams, too. I think our subconscious shocks us to face the reality when we are unable to process it in our conscious life. Julie, this is a temporary stage and I’m so sorry for what you are going through! Big hug and much love to you, my friend.

  3. Many, many warm hugs dear Julie. Acceptance is not easy. Love yourself where you’re at. You are exactly where you are. Much love. ❤

  4. susanpoozan says:

    I am so sorry about the dreams, hopefully they will pass eventually as you get stronger.

  5. Vicki says:

    I agree with Louise’s comment.

    The acceptance is one of the hardest things to pass through.

    I hope your subconscious, which doesn’t seem to accept Anthony’s passing, will (accept) eventually, and the nightmares will disappear.

    I don’t know your religion or beliefs in regard to death, so may I suggest you have some ‘conversations’ with Anthony and explain how you feel, share your experience of these nightmares. Let your inner self communicate with your outer self. Perhaps you will feel comforted by the ‘conversations’ as an outward expression of what your inner self is feeling (and is filling your subconscious mind in sleep time). Don’t be afraid to talk out loud to a seemingly empty room.

    i’m sorry you weren’t in Anthony’s room when he passed on, but I’m sure that Anthony felt it was time to go and let you move on with your life. He may have had a reason for letting go and moving on (when you and Ming were not in the room). He may have felt that it was the ‘right Time’.

    Grief comes to us in many different ways and your nightmares may be your feelings of guilt (that you weren’t in the room to say goodbye).

    Take the time to sit quietly with your eyes closed. Imagine Anthony’s presence and have that final ‘conversation’, wishing him well on his spirit journey. Set his spirit free and know that he is at peace and free from all worries and pain.

  6. Val Boyko says:

    Grief affects us in many ways. I’m so sorry you are having these dreams Julie. Perhaps writing a letter to Anthony sharing how you are feeling with the loss of his presence, may help the subconscious come to terms with his death. ((Hugs))

  7. The dreams sound terrible it is your brain trying to cope with the loss, there is a part of you not ready to accept he has gone,knowing it and fully accepting it are two different things part of your subconscious doesn’t want to accept it

  8. Dear Julie.. sometimes my memory is a bit foggy… perhaps you have already done this…It seems to me at some point you did something like this.. Anyway I was thinking that writing Anthony a letter and in it write all the thoughts about what you would say to him if you could have those extra few days… Imagine then what he would respond to you, knowing him as well as you did… Just a thought Diane

  9. dou dou says:

    I just realized that no matter what you write about Anthony, I always end up thinking the same thing after I read it, “How lucky she is to have had the kind of love”.

    He will always be with you Julie.

  10. tersiaburger says:

    I had my first dream ever of Vic last night. It shook me to the core of my soul. We often see at Hospice that the patient waits to be alone before they let go… It was his final act of love. Accept if my friend. He never forgot you or your love.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Your generosity of spirit always astounds me, Tersia, after the terrible ordeal you all went through with Vic’s prolonged suffering. Thank you so much with all my heart xxx

  11. Reading this brought tears to my eyes, Julie. I hope the dream goes away and only good memories of your life and love together remain. xx

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