jmgoyder

wings and things

Resurrecting the place that was Anthony’s

on October 26, 2017

Using the past tense about anything to do with Anthony, and this home, is still very strange for me, even though it had become impossible to bring him home for a few years.

During the week that Anthony died, the electricity went AWOL and we had to have the whole place rewired by electricians who were amazed that Ming and I hadn’t already been electrocuted by 100-year-old wiring to the house and shed. The wiring in the roof and walls was so ancient that it was, apparently, incredible that the whole place didn’t catch on fire.

Black humour alert: Ming and I might have died in a fire, or by electrocution, during the same week that Anthony died.

Okay, so obviously that didn’t happen as Ming and I are still here, thankfully. But the electrical situation did make me wonder. Did our previous (now retired) electrician warn Anthony and did Anthony (with encroaching dementia), just forget about this danger? Or did Anthony, being frugal, decide to ignore the possible warnings in order to save money?

I will never know the answers to these questions but I do know that Anthony would never, knowingly, have put Ming and me in any sort of danger.

In the days before and after Anthony died, Ming and I had to arrange for the house and sheds to be re-wired, mainly because we had no electricity. Simultaneously, our ancient electric stove finally died, and then our washing machine, both of which we did without until I had a bit of a meltdown and now we have a new stove and washing machine.

If Anthony were still alive I would have had a heated argument with him about him being such a tight-arse about money, and saving, and spending. Ten years ago, I would have berated him, he would apologise, and then we would make up with little Ming catapulting himself onto Anthony’s lap and then mine, like some sort of bouncy Pokémon.

Do I have a bit of residual resentment even though my beautiful husband is now dead? Yes, I do. He could have done all of it better; he wasn’t perfect; he had this strange loyalty to people, including family, some of whom treated him badly; he was nervous; he was a 57-year-old newlywed married to a woman 23-years younger – me.

Anthony was never the perfect husband, just as I was never the perfect wife, but we both determined to get through all of the many hurdles and survive. We were absolutely dedicated to each other and to our son, Ming, and that is why, in the wake of Anthony’s death, this place will be resurrected.

 


19 responses to “Resurrecting the place that was Anthony’s

  1. mimijk says:

    Have any of us cornered the market on perfection? Are we not all broken, resurrected by love, broken and put back together again? And that is what makes love so magnificent and crazy and impossible and sustaining.. xx

  2. Rhonda says:

    Yikes! And I love your honesty and above all…your attitude. Let the resurrection begin!! xoxo

  3. good to hear that. I wonder if Anthony’s ancestors came from Yorkshire. You know what they say about Yorkshire men – they are Scotsmen with their pockets sewn up. My DH is all Yorkshire man. heehee

  4. Wow, when it rains it pours! I guess it always seems there are things left undone. I love how you also share those things that WERE done. ♡
    Diana xo

  5. You write so brilliantly honest. Regardless of human imperfections….that love is pretty spot on perfect.

  6. You are so brave and vulnerable and strong all in one.

    I too love how you tell it all with such honesty and truth. ❤

  7. susanpoozan says:

    You are brave to face such challenges, keep going.

  8. Judy says:

    Your post is “shocking!” Wire you still alive with this danger?

    Okay, humor aside, I see this as another grief stage you are moving through. As the numbness fades, other things also appear. Feeling angry about things is very normal. It sounds like you are legitimately angry about the danger you and Ming were subjected to because of Anthony’s stubbornness. Regardless, understand that all of your feelings are okay. I hope you can allow them and I think from what you wrote, you are. Nothing is perfect. But your love for Anthony will never change and I am sending you a huge hug!

  9. tootlepedal says:

    There never was or will be the perfect husband and wife but you and Anthony will do as an good example of how to be married until perfection arrives.

  10. Vicki says:

    Recognising that none of us are perfect is the first step to accepting (and still loving) in marriage.

    How lucky you were to have such a ‘perfect’ enduring love affair. I’m sure many of us, your followers, are envious.

    ……and I’m so glad the house didn’t catch fire too.

    As an aside, a couple of years ago, every single electrical appliance I owned (or used in my rented apartment) died with day/weeks of each other except the iron. When I moved into my current apartment, 7 out of 10 electric light globes blew within days of each other – 3 globes in one night. Seems some of us have an invisible connection to a higher power (pun intended) 🙂

  11. Anonymous says:

    I really cherish the warts and all picture you are painting of your beloved Anthony. So many people promote their loved one to instant sainthood when they die. Anthony was so grounded and real, a farmer to his bootstraps in attitude and fortitude. You tick absolutely all the boxes for the perfect soulmate for such a man.

  12. ksbeth says:

    it will rise again!

  13. Lynda says:

    Julie, some would just fall over and let it all overwhelm them. I’m glad you are doing! ❤

    100 year old wire? Yow! We have electrical fires here all the time in homes that are half so old. Yes, you have been fortunate.

  14. Yeah he had faults he was a human not a machine and yes you loved him even with his annoying faults, marriage takes work and involves give and take and not fighting over ever little annoying thing.

    I am married to a tight ass who questions every decision involving money except it seems money he wants to spend on stupid useless things and he buys a lot of stupid things he doesn’t really need. However, when we first married he had no money sense, I taught him how to weigh up if the expense was needed and if the item he wanted to buy was needed or just wanted. That said he would never do anything that would knowingly put our lives in danger like if the car needs new tyres he will buy new tires and not let me drive around on a bald tire.

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