wings and things

Ming’s honesty

on October 29, 2017

One of Ming’s friends asked him the other day if he were relieved that Anthony had died. Ming was taken aback and slightly affronted at the question, but eventually said yes.

After admitting this relief, he went on to say to his friend that it was as if a black cloud had lifted.

When Ming told me this today, I responded by saying that this was okay but my own feelings were different and that Anthony’s existence in the nursing home was never a black cloud for me despite the many cloudy days, weeks, months and years of illness. If Anthony had lived beyond the pneumonia that killed him, he would soon be entering his sixth year at the nursing home. He was already pretty much bed-ridden but to add suffering to the situation would have definitely been a black cloud for me too; I would have had great difficulty coping with Anthony suffering.

That’s why I am so grateful that Anthony died when he died. The quickness of his death still shocks me but I am gradually recovering from that shock I guess. It will take much longer, of course, to process the grief I feel (my own black cloud?)

In the meantime, I am fortunate to have such great support from family and friends. I’m very grateful for messages I’ve been remiss in replying to.

Ming’s honesty is sometimes ruthless but it is so refreshing that he isn’t nervous to say what he really thinks and feels. I didn’t know that Anthony’s nursing home existence had become a black cloud for Ming and I don’t know why I didn’t know that.


13 responses to “Ming’s honesty

  1. how lovely that you can be so honest with each other with out getting angry or upset. I am sure it will take a good while before you get through this grief but you will. You will be forever thankful for the love you shared.

    • jmgoyder says:

      I was so focussed on Anthony for so many years and may well have neglected Ming. But I am not going to dwell on the guilt of that. Thanks for your support, Brenda x

  2. Lois Watts says:

    Ming was speaking from his heart , much the same as you Jules in your blogs. The black cloud will very slowly clear, just like the winter turns to spring, and you will both be happy and full of laughter, just beware as every so often the black cloud will come back. You are a Goyder now leader of a very small land, except in Darwin where you have a road named after the famous Goyder family in the N.T. Maybe put that painting that Anthony had on his wall at the nursing home, back where it belongs in your 100 year old house with the safe rewire. Take care Julie and Ming.

  3. Vicki says:

    I find Ming’s honesty both refreshing and a sign of great maturity. Most younger folk are so used to being told what to think and feel and what is considered ‘normal’ that they grow up without the skills to cope when difficult situations arise.

    Ming is the product of great parenting and I think you must be very proud of his integrity and ability to accept Anthony’s serious illnesses over the years – not easy for anyone, let alone one so young (as he was). I’m sure Anthony left you both knowing what a great support you would be for each other and while Ming may sound honest and accepting, there will also be a part of him that is grieving too.

    I hope you will be continue to be open and honest in your conversations with each as you have been in the past.

    You’re very lucky to have such a loving network of family and friends to support you both. I daresay there are many who are grieving along with you.

    Vicki xx

  4. ksbeth says:

    i think that for some people, it is like something ever hovering, waiting for the sadness and loss is never far from mind and heart, and once it happens, then they can process it and the fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop is over. this is not to say there is not a deep grief at the loss of the one they loved so much, but there is not the lingering worry of when it will come.

  5. You are so right in thinking that adding suffering to Anthony’s illness might have changed your outlook. Watching a loved on suffer is nearly unbearable. I sat by the besides of both my brother and my son while they suffered, feeling so very helpless. One thing, it was a relief when they were finally released and out of pain at last. It doesn’t lessen the grieving but it does make it easier to let them go.

  6. Sometimes, when we are travelling in a black cloud, we are so focussed with getting through it and being in it, we don’t realize there was even a black cloud — until it’s gone.

    Not knowing Ming was in a black cloud is understandable Julie — you were both travelling challenging ground for which there was no map – only Love. What a beautiful thing that Ming has been able to see that there was a black cloud — and also know there is and was always Love.

  7. tootlepedal says:

    I continue to admire Ming and give you and Anthony great credit for him

  8. Maybe you didn’t know Ming’s black cloud because he loved you and Anthony enough that a black cloud didn’t matter to him. There’s a wholelotta love in your little family Julie.

  9. I think death is a relief for many who are watching a loved one slowly die, or just existing from day to day if that loved one was once energetic and full of life and laughter and now only lays in bed sleeping most of the time.

  10. I guess Anthony’s on-going illnesses and his eventual admission to the rest home were what Mings life revolved around and was normal for him. Now there is more freedom in his life which he probably never even realised he didn’t have until now. When someone in a family is sick everyones lives revolve around that person, always, no matter what.Its like carrying around a big sack of money everywhere you go. You sure do want that money and don’t want to let it go, but it gets real heavy. I’m sure Anthony is worth more than a sack of money but the load must be so much lighter now and you’re maybe just realising for the first time how heavy it was. Thats the relief part.The regret part is there too but the relief is palpable.

  11. Judi Lynn says:

    I so enjoy your Ming. You two balance each other out so well. It’s wonderful to see such a great dynamic between a mother and son.

  12. Judy says:

    How touching that Ming could be honest with you, Julie. It sounds hard to hear what he said, but his ability to share his feelings with you is a gift to treasure. Hang in there.

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