Me: You won’t believe it, Ants!
Anthony: Try me.
Me: I went kayaking today!
Anthony: You what?
Me: I went kayaking! I had a lesson with this lovely guy and I only fell out once, when I was first getting into the thing.
Anthony: What lovely guy?
Me: The kayaking instructor.
Anthony [pause]: Okay….
Me: I think I might even buy a kayak, Ants! What do you think?
Anthony: You’re a bit impulsive, Jules.
Me: No, I’m not, Ants. I kayaked for three hours and I loved it!
Anthony: You’re a burster, Jules.
Me: Well, that’s a good thing isn’t it?
Anthony: Be careful.
Me: Why? I’m not scared of anything anymore. You’ve already died.
[Note to readers: It is now over six months since my husband, Anthony, died from pneumonia, after years of being in a nursing home with advanced Parkinson’s disease dementia. Since then, I have battled a couple of severe bouts of major depression (a condition I already had), with the addition of grief rendering me almost as bedridden as Anthony was in the end. But, with the help of my psychologist, and my own determination, I’ve begun to embrace new adventures, and kayaking is one of these. The imagined conversations are just that – imagined. I miss talking to Ants, so I do it here.]
jmgoyder 
Go girl you got this, go buy a kayak and try it, you may just love it. The time has come for you to spread your wings and blossom with new adventures. Keep talking to Ants, I think knowing him he will be watching over you and Ming. xxxxxxxx
Hi Lois – you are such a beautiful person – thank you so much for this encouragement. Ants will be turning over in his grave!
That is terrific, Julie! Wonderful that you have found something you enjoy. I’ve always heard that it’s great fun…
What a wonderful thing to do, Julie.
I agree with Lois – time to spread your wings.
Vicki xx
I suddenly realised that I can now do things, and go places, I couldn’t when Ants was still here. It sounds awful but I am beginning to feel a sense of freedom and adventure.
It’s true Jules. The sky’s the limit, but please…no sky diving! Kayaking really is fun, you may just want to follow through with that one 🙂 xo
No sky diving – I promise ha!
I want to come kayaking with you.
It’s really good to see you are thinking of being free to do the things you couldn’t do before. That’s a big step and if kayaking is one of them go for it. If you find it’s not for you later then you sell it! What’s not to like about that.
Healing comes in all forms. Do what you need to do! One day, you will smile all day! Hugs
Brilliant! I love kayaking. I understand you’re loving it. (And thank you for sharing your conversations with Anthony ‘here’).
I enjoy your imagined conversations and am stunned that you have taken up kayaking, well done for rising to a new challenge!
i used to go sea kayaking and loved it. When we came to NZ in 2001 we had a great time kayaking there too. We hired a chap in a boat with kayaks. The first day it was raining and we were ready to go, telling him we were experienced. He said people there didn’t kayak in the rain. We told him , if we only kayaked when it was dry , we would never get out. So pleased you have found something you enjoy. Try your bicycle again too. Hugs Brenda
What a great metaphor kayaking is! I love what you are doing, Julie. It is everything I hoped for. You are discovering your freedom and finding a new way to live.
After living with dark shadows for so many years, this isn’t an easy thing to do. I am so proud of you. Keep giving yourself permission to grow and find happiness again. The fact that you are carrying Anthony’s memory and voice with you, is such a beautiful gift!
Good for you on the kayaking and, really, all of it. It sounds fun, and I plan to try it this summer in Alaska.
Seems to me that these conversations are your way of keeping your connection with him alive while exploring life without him
But where are the pictures of you falling in?
Sounds like a fun thing to pursue!
You go, Julie!