wings and things

Imagined conversation 37

on June 4, 2018

Me: Well, you’ll be glad to know that this third bout of anxiety is nearly over. I’m going to tell you about it here because I don’t want to forget what it’s like.

Anthony: Why would you want to remember it?

Me: So I recognise it when it begins to happen rather than being all-consumed by the time I see a doctor.

Anthony: Is it my fault?

Me: Yes and no. It’s because I miss you so much but it doesn’t feel like that at all. It feels like a sense of urgency – constant and about everything – an urgency to clean the house, to socialise, to write the script, to get the motorbike licence, to train Pip as a therapy dog, to do my volunteer visits. Everything becomes such a matter of urgency that I become incapable of doing anything,

Anthony: I thought that was depression.

Me: This is on top of that – this is extreme anxiety, the kind that makes your heart beat super fast and your hands shake and fills you with a kind of flitter-flutter of frenetic energy that beats around inside you but renders you immobile. It’s the kind of fear where adrenaline doesn’t kick in so it’s implosive.

Anthony: So did you get some pills?

Me: Yes.

Anthony: And….?

Me: And now I can function again, I can appear to be okay and I can breathe properly. The good thing is I know I won’t need the pills for long, judging from the last two experiences.

Anthony: Well, take the pills as long as you like, Jules. Just take a break from all of those things you think you should be doing and just be.

Me: Yes I think that’s the key – just being. Without the mindrush. Remember how I used to confide in you about these issues?

Anthony: Yes, I married a complicated woman.

Me: Ha! And you are so uncomplicated. Even when you were so ill and incapacitated, you were like an anchor, a safe place, a solid certainty. Now that you’re dead, I sometimes flounder.

Anthony: You’ll find your feet again, Jules. You always do.

Me: I understand other people’s grief so much better now, Ants, especially the fear thing.

Anthony: Maybe there’s something you don’t realise, Jules.

Me: And what’s that, oh wise one?

Anthony: I miss you too.



7 responses to “Imagined conversation 37

  1. Cas says:

    Hi Julie, This one made me cry – I so get where you are right now.

  2. Colline says:

    Sounds like he would have given you some sound advice. Look after yourself.

  3. YOu have such a beautiful heart.

    This one made me cry too. ❤

  4. susanpoozan says:

    Well done for diagnosing your own symptoms, you are a star.

  5. Just being is often easier said then done, when I am told to stop stressing and to just let things be I can feel more stressed, it is good you are on top of it because feeling like that would be just awful

  6. tootlepedal says:

    Your writing paints a heart rending picture but I hope that the fact that you are able to write in such clear terms means that you can manage. If there is any truth in the thought that a trouble shared is a trouble halved, I am happy to share your troubles.

  7. Oh that last line……. ❤

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