jmgoyder

wings and things

Cycling in the countryside

Some time ago I purchased the most wonderful electric bicycle. Now for those serious cyclists who read this blog, please refrain from smirking; the wonderbike can be used as a normal bike but when encountering a steep hillock, or a cyclonic breeze, it is possible to press a little button and, yeeha! the electric buzz happens and before you know it you have zoomed through these difficulties. Wonderful! Of course, you then press the button off again so that you are cycling normally and not electrically.

I recently began cycling again after a long break. On Day One, I rode down our long gravel driveway onto our small country road and, pedalling against the ferocious breeze, ventured further, turning left onto the next country road. Ah, the peace and quiet, twittering birds, happily mooing cows – bliss!

Then, just as I was about to turn right into an even smaller country road there was an explosion of noise behind me and, using my newly purchased rear vision mirror, I was alarmed to see an enormous truck behind me, approaching fast and, even more horrifyingly, when I was about to escape to the smaller country road, I saw another massive truck coming towards me from the opposite direction. I had two choices: I could keep riding, feigning nonchalance, and hope that both trucks would see me, slow down, and the drivers and I could exchange morning greetings, OR I could stop my bike, hop off and catapult onto the closest verge. I decided on the latter just seconds before both trucks whooshed past each other with a blast of horns. I waved and smiled friendlily to the drivers from my position on the ground, my arms protectively around my bike, assuming the blast of horns was a type of country road greeting but strangely neither of the drivers smiled back.

So I got up and got back on the bike and rode the short distance to the even smaller country road but, just as I was about to veer right into this same road, another enormous truck (coming out of the even smaller country road) came to a noisy halt and politely let me into the road by a narrow margin. Again I waved to the driver who grimaced back. Oh well, I thought, not everyone is friendly in the morning.

But a couple of kilometres later, after several repeat incidents of the above, I turned around, pressed the button for electricity, turned it to the highest setting, and zoomed back home, only stopping here and there for the odd truck or ten!

Anyway, the Day One experience hasn’t deterred me and I still cycle every morning up and down and all around the safest possible country road: the driveway.

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Wheelchair walking

My job as ‘lifestyle assistant’ at the nursing home, also shortened to OT (occupational therapist) continues to be thoroughly enjoyable. The shifts are only three hours – from 3 to 6pm and I do an average of six shifts per fortnight so it’s not a lot of work but hopefully I will get more shifts in the future.

The dementia “house” is set up like an open plan house with the kitchen and dining room in the centre, a sitting room with a big television, and ten bedrooms down three hallways, each with its own ensuite. Then there are a couple of separate little sitting areas as well as a lovely patio out the back, with a garden. Seven of the ten women are ambulant, some with walkers and some without, so there is a code to open the doors due to the risk of anyone wandering off.

I have now established a routine whereby I take one or two of the women for a long walk outside around the grounds and in and through the other four houses, all of which are designed in the same way except Anthony’s which is more like a hospital ward. If I come on duty and find anyone already in a wheelchair, I begin with that person and this week I started to take J. by herself because she doesn’t seem to ever have any visitors and, even though she can walk a bit she is difficult to manoeuvre and quite tall, so I use the wheelchair. I don’t think this has been done before because previously the OTs took her on short walks until one of them wrenched her shoulder doing so (J. has a grip of iron!) In the wheelchair it is possible to take her on much longer walks and she seems to really enjoy this although it’s difficult to tell because she doesn’t talk much and even when she does she is hard to understand.

I like to take her by herself for that whole one-to-one thing but sometimes one of the ambulant women comes too. We go out the locked door into the sunshine and gardens then through a small parking lot at the back of the nursing home then inside Anthony’s section which begins with a foyer, then a large activity room, down a very long hallway, saying hello to the residents in the rooms to the left and right (including Anthony of course!) then out to another garden area at the front of the nursing home, up a steep driveway at the top of which you can see the ocean, then left down a road that enters the section where the independent elderly live in self-contained units, all with beautiful gardens, around a roundabout and back to the ocean view. Then we go back down the driveway and into Anthony’s section again, turn right to go through the dining/living area up another hallway and then back down and out into another garden area, then back down Anthony’s hallway, waving to him on the way (which he finds extremely amusing) then, once outside again, instead of turning left which leads back to the dementia house, we turn right and head up the narrow driveway past two other nursing home houses and up a hill to where there are other self-contained units. Sometimes the residents will come out and say hello to us and have a chat; then we turn around and head back to the dementia house. This takes around half an hour. Once back, I pick up F. or O. or D. and begin again. And again, with different people.

One of the things I have found most difficult about these wheelchair walks is walking slowly. It’s like the way you have to walk up the aisle! I am ordinarily a very fast walker but having already frightened the hell out of two women who thought they were about to be catapulted out of their wheelchairs, I now walk extremely slowly in a smell-the-roses way (and there are lots of roses to smell because the gardens are beautifully kept).

With the weather so beautiful lately this seems to me to be the best activity and my goal is to get all ten women out and about during one shift, but so far I have only been able to get seven out and about (yesterday), because dinner is served at 5pm.

The wheelchair walk tends to calm even the most agitated of the women down which is pretty much what I am there for as this time of day is notorious for ‘Sundowner Syndrome’ an anxious time for many people with dementia who may remember it as a busy time of day, getting dinner ready etc. B. who walks without any assistance, becomes increasingly anxious about getting back to cook dinner and when is her husband coming home? S. cries a lot, and O. becomes aggressive. The long, slow wheelchair walk seems to calm these anxieties to some extent and I much prefer doing this than singsongs and card games.

The sunshine, fresh sea breeze, gardens full of late blooms, and interaction with residents and staff outside the dementia house, is, I think, the most beneficial thing I can do in this wonderful role. The fantastically weird conversations we have with each other outside create a rapport and laughter that isn’t as easy inside.

Me: Are you enjoying it out here, S?
S: Not particularly.
Me: (laughing) What?
S: You cheeky man!
Me: I keep telling you I am not a man!
S: Oh, sorry (starts crying)
Me: Stop it – I was only joking. Do you want a hug?
S: Yes, please (we hug).
Me: If you start crying again I will bop you (laughing)
S: I’ll BOP YOU, young fella!

OR:

Me: Do you want to go for a walk, Y?
Y: Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alooooooone – doesn’t matter.
Me: Your chariot awaits (pushing wheelchair next to her).
Y: Oh all right, all right, all riiiiiiiiight.
Me: See! Look at all the flowers, Y.
Y: Pretty. Pretty flowers, pretty flooooooowers.

OR:

Me: Do you want to come for a walk, B?
B: Oh I don’t think there’s time. X. will be home for tea soon and where are the boys? What’s the time? Do I need my lippy (lipstick)?
Me: It’s only a short walk and I need you to help me with O. (O. in wheelchair).
B. Well as long as we’re not too long. Have you seen my handbag?
Me: We won’t be long and X (deceased husband) doesn’t mind.
B: Are you sure. Could you ring him?
Me: Somebody already has and it’s fine.
B: Well I suppose it’ll be all right. Just let me get my handbag and put my lippy on.
[15 minute search for handbag]
Me: Come on B.
B: Oh I think I should stay put. X. won’t know where to find me.
Me: He knows exactly where you are and we won’t be long anyway, B.
B: Oh well I suppose so but what about money? Wait a minute darling I just have to put my lippy on.
Me: B, I really need your help with this wheelchair.
B: Of course.

OR:

Me: O. do you want to go for a walk outside using the wheelchair?
O. No, no noooo – I don’t want the red with the pink. What is this? Stupid!
Me: How do you like the sunshine?
O. Too HOT – too fast, slow down!
Me: Sorry, sorry.
O: Slow down!
Me: We are crawling now, O.
O. Oh you crazy one – crazy crazy (guffawing).

Of course there are many more conversations, lots of silences and miscommunications, but the wheelchair walking routine I’ve now established is a winner in so many ways!

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Everything (a poem)

When you are inside the blah balloon
floating above the world,
tossed about by moody winds

you can see everything, EVERYTHING
up, west, down, left, north, right, east, here, south, and, yes, there too!

And in between all of the circumferences, you have
a clear, detailed view
of the whole wide world, but

from the blah balloon, your view is distorted
by plastic
and motion sickness
and fear of falling.

So what do you do?
Do you stay inside your safe, up-in-the-air balloon
dizzy
disorientated
upset and shocked that in the whole wide world
you are absent?

Or do you scream triumphantly,
pierce the wall of the balloon with your un-rude finger,
fall to the ground with a THUMP

stand up,
walk,
smile

EVERYTHING

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Anthony book 1: Three years

January 9, 2015

This week marks the third year that Anthony was admitted into the nursing home for respite and never came home again.

Except to visit. The shock of it.

This is what I wrote in my blog at the time:

Jan 11 2012 Breaking

Yesterday, Son and I broke the news to Husband that his two weeks in the nursing home lodge might need to be extended, might even be indefinite and that this has been recommended by three of his doctors. Son reinforced this by starting a verbal sparring match:
Son: We can’t look after you anymore, Dad!
Husband: Well, you’re not much of a son, are you!
Me: C’mon, guys, give it a rest.
Son: Dad, can’t you see you need nursing care?
Husband: I’ll get better – wait and see. Don’t give up on me. Where’s my wife?
Son: Her name is Julie, Dad, and she’s crying in the bathroom as usual.
Husband: What the hell is she doing that for?
Me: Sorry, just had to go to the loo.
Husband: Are you okay? You look terrible. You really need a haircut.
Me: I know.
Son: Argh – I’ll meet you out in the car, Mum. Bye, Dad.
Husband: Wait – give me a hug.
Me: He’s okay; he’s a teenager.
Husband: Why is he so ….?
Me: He’s angry.
Husband: I love you two more than life.
Me: Us too.
Husband: You better go.
Me: Yeah, the brat’s waiting – give me a hug.
Husband: See you tomorrow?
Me: See you tomorrow.
Breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking…. br

Perhaps it is this strange anniversary of almost unbearable emotional pain that has rendered me numbly bleak (bleakly numb?) over the last few days.

Lately, the shiny wonder of having discovered different ways of happily being in the nursing home for so many hours per day with Anthony has begun to show its first lace-like signs of rust.

I AM SO BORED!

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What a strange Christmas!

On Christmas Eve, I sliced the ham and put it into a sealed container in the refrigerator, ready for Ming to bring to my mother’s place in the evening, then I went to the nursing home. Ming was working at the restaurant and planned to come home, shower and change and head to my mother’s while I spent the afternoon with Anthony.

Just after I got to my mother’s at around 6pm, Ming rang and said he was sick and had been vomiting and didn’t think he could come.

“But what about the ham?” I shrilled unsympathetically.
“Mum, I am really sick!” Ming exclaimed weakly.
“Can you just bring it and then you can go to bed at Grandma’s,” I said.
He agreed begrudgingly.

Meanwhile, family members began arriving at my mother’s, champagne was poured and the presents under her Christmas tree were ogled. I kept an anxious eye out for Ming and finally he arrived. As he walked up the driveway, I wondered why he had left his car in the road and why he was wearing such a strange spotty outfit. Then I realised, oh no! that he was covered in vomit.

“I just threw up in my car!” he said weakly, but ferociously. So we got his car into the driveway, he went inside via the back door so he didn’t have to see anyone, and my mother gave him some clothes to change into and put him to bed. I took the container of ham inside then got a bucket of water and tried to clean the inside of Ming’s car but it was everywhere (I will spare you the details!)

Anyway, with Ming in a bedroom adjacent to the loo, the rest of us continued our festivities while I checked on Ming periodically, who was continuing to vomit every hour or so. I felt terrible to have made him come and had to suffer his weak remonstrances of “You care more about the ham than me.”

By the time I was ready to go home, at around 9.30pm, it had been decided that Ming would sleep the night at Grandma’s.

The next morning (Christmas day) at 6am, there was a knock on the front door that woke me up and, assuming it was a recovered Ming who had lost his key, I opened it blearily only to find it was my brother! He said, “I thought you might like some company – let’s have a drink.” So BJ and I drank champagne on the front veranda, waxing lyrical about this and that and watching the birds dive in and out of the trees, including the new wild parrots I’ve never seen before. It was a fantastic hour and it actually made my day! Then BJ had to head home for his family’s 8am Christmas present ritual.

After he left, my mother contacted me to say she would bring Ming home because he was too weak to drive and had continued vomiting until 4am. So they arrived and we opened a few presents but Ming was still feeling ghastly so I put him to bed and my mother headed in to town to my brother’s place after which she was to meet me at the nursing home.

Well, the crayfish, mango, and my mother’s pavlova, were all a great success with Anthony and so were all the presents I helped him unwrap, then we watched a bit of tenor music on TV, then my mother left, then I went to do my 3-6pm shift in the dementia wing.

After I knocked off, I went back to Ants’ room and we ate the leftover crayfish (which I’d put in the staff frig.) and I went home to my no-longer-sick-but-very-weak son who struggled through the opening of his remaining Christmas presents ha!

But yesterday my mother contacted me to say she had the same thing – the gastro. and it was absolutely horrific and I was helpless to help because of contagion. I rang the nursing home to tell them the situation but that I, myself, was not affected (there is a strict rule that you don’t come in if there is any likelihood of infection of any sort). So, despite the fact that I’m not sick, I’ve been banned from coming into the nursing home until next Thursday! This means I can’t do my allotted shifts and can’t see Ants.

Thankfully, my mother is over the worst but is obviously very weak. Today Ming and I are going to hers to pick up his vomit-ridden car but, now that he has recovered, he wants to take me out for lunch first.

What a strange Christmas!

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Christmas Eve’s eve

Well, it’s the day before Christmas Eve and I am finally ready to be festive. My rather blah mood was transformed into enthusiasm after having breakfast with my mother the other day because we went shopping together and I found some things that I hope Ming will love even though he ruled that it should be a strict 3-gifts-per-person Christmas. Unfortunately I take great pleasure in breaking Ming’s rules so there are now 20 presents under the new little Christmas tree he bought. I thought that was a good number since he is still (until January) 20 years old.

Oh how I miss the pillowcase years (a habit inherited from my parents in which an empty pillowcase was placed at the end of each of our beds and on Christmas morning would be filled, rather miraculously, with presents). Up until just a few years ago, I would send Ants and Ming to bed and would spend the late hours of Christmas Eve wrapping presents and putting them into an identical pillowcase (just in case Ming woke up). Then I would go to bed but wake up at around 4am to swap the empty pillowcase with the full-of-presents pillowcase. Alas, those exciting, magical days are long gone. Last year we didn’t even ‘do’ Christmas because we were too sad about this and that and, until a few days ago, I felt the echo of that sadness and an inability to be bothered.

Then, all of a sudden, a wave of hyperactive nostalgia hit me and I was filled with the energy of what Christmas really means – the birth of something/someone miraculously new – a Jesus moment, the memory of when Ming was born, a newfound excitement about seeing Anthony every today, so ….

…. I decorated Anthony’s nursing home room and sticky-taped old and new Christmas cards on his mirrors and pictures, draped the clock with tinsel, decorated the rose tree I bought him the other week, that looks real, with baubles and wrapped Ming’s presents in his room. You see, we are having Christmas in the nursing home this year; it will be the first year that he hasn’t been home for Christmas and it wasn’t until yesterday that Anthony realised this.

Ants: I’m a bit taken aback.
Me: Why? What’s wrong?
Ants: I thought it would be at Bythorne (the name of our farm).
Me: Are you kidding? It’s too hot and the flies are terrible out there! Anyway I like it here better! Don’t argue!
Ants (smiling at my sternness): Okay, you win.

Today I will wrap Anthony’s presents in his room while I face him towards the window so he won’t see; then I’ll sticky tape more cards around his room, then we’ll have a small glass of champagne together with a bit of mango (a great combination I discovered the other day).

Tomorrow night, various members of the family who can make it, will meet at my mother’s place for the traditional Christmas dinner of turkey, ham, Harvard beets (my mother’s specialty) etc. but I won’t tell Ants about this because it would be impossible for him to join us now that he is so incapacitated physically.

Then, on Christmas morning, Ming and I will open our presents to each other, saving a few to take into the nursing home at around 10am where my mother will join us at noon for my crayfish cocktail and some champagne. At 3pm I will head off to the dementia wing for my afternoon shift, Ming and my mother will go home, and at 6pm I will go back to Ants’ room to say goodnight.

A ‘Jesus moment’ – over and over and over again.
Amen.

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Saying ‘yes’ to surreality

Ever since I was fooled by the plum tree into thinking its blossoms belonged to the avocado tree I am much more aware of how trees that are next to each other seem to have a habit of hugging each other. Here are the photos I took of ‘the avocado blossoms’ several weeks ago. The first one shows why I was confused but the second one shows quite clearly (except to an idiot – me!) that these are two separate trees.

photo-42

photo-23

Anyway, the following photo shows just how tricky these trees can be; here we have a camellia tree masquerading as a fig tree (or is it the other way around?) I showed it to one of the residents in the dementia wing the other day and she said, “What a strange tree!”

photo (3)

Up close, of course, it is quite obvious that the fig tree is a fig tree and that the camellia tree doesn’t have a sense of personal space.

IMG_2921

Last summer I stopped watering the plants in order to save electricity on the pump; hence most of the ancient rose trees have died (despite a gardeningy person telling me it was impossible to kill roses) but everything else (palms, multiple camellias, un-fruiting orange and plum trees, silver birches, the two fig trees, the two avocado trees, the two pear trees, the lemon tree, the poplars up the driveway, the flame trees, and many other wild bushy looking shrubby things, have survived. This is probably because Anthony planted many of these at around the time I was born – over 50 years ago – so their roots are deep (you see, I have now done a bit of gardening-for-dummies research).

I guess what’s surreal is that, when I took ‘the avocado blossoms’ into the nursing home and put them in a vase, Anthony didn’t correct me and say, “Those aren’t avocado blossoms, silly!” (Actually nobody corrected me until I wrote a post correcting myself and then a friend said to me, “Yeah, I thought you’d definitely lost the plot!”)

Every single person with every single kind of dementia has, I think, has an ability to accept the surreal as real. Yesterday, during a children’s concert at the nursing home, one of the residents kept asking if the woman on my right (another resident) and the man on my left in the wheelchair (Anthony) were my parents, so I explained that one was my new friend and the other was my husband. She looked at me with interest and said, with absolute certainty, “My parents will be here soon”, and I said, “Yes.” By end of the concert she had forgotten about her parents and was fine, delighted as we all were, by the children’s voices.

I’m not sure here, but it seems to me that if someone’s reality is fractured by dementia, and their reality becomes a dreamscape of surreal thoughts, memories and emotions, maybe the best way to respond is in the affirmative, and to say ‘Yes!’

And that is why I still have an avocado tree with pink blossoms!

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“Can I get you anything from the shop, Ants?”

This has pretty much become my exit strategy lately when leaving Ants and coming home from the nursing home. I say I am just going up to the shop to get some eggs (just as if we are home), then I ask if he wants anything, like chocolate or cake or cheese or bananas and sometimes he says yes to one or more of these items. “Don’t be too long,” he sometimes says and I promise that I will be as quick as I can. If I have been at the nursing home since 11am or earlier, I leave at around 3.30-4pmish; if I have only arrived to help him with his lunch, I will often stay until 5.30pm so I can help him with his dinner (his ability to feed himself fluxuates a lot) Occasionally, like yesterday, I take the day off and Ming visits for me, or my indispensable mother does.

My exit strategy is a ruse of course, a way of leaving Anthony that deceives him into thinking that I am coming back soon but, after weeks of using this, at first tentatively, but now confidently, I am convinced that this is much better than saying, “I’m going home now, Ants – I’ll see you tomorrow.” If I say that, I have to explain at length that he is in a nursing home and this is the kind of conversation that happens, when he is able to talk:

ANTHONY: Why can’t I come too?
ME: Because of your Parkinson’s disease, remember?
ANTHONY: But I’m getting better!
ME: I know, but you are still too heavy for me to bring home.
ANTHONY: Well can you tell those kids [the staff] to keep an eye out for me?
ME: Of course!

Sometimes this kind of conversation goes on and on and on and might be prolonged by Anthony’s hallucinations that there are dogs, cattle or even snakes in his room, all of which I have to dispel before I can leave; sometimes he is unable to speak at all and will simply grab my hand and snuggle it up to his face; sometimes he will be asleep when I leave so I tell the staff.

This afternoon, this was our conversation:

ME: I’m just going down to the shop, Ants. Do you want anything?
ANTHONY: Love – a lot of it.
ME: I’ll give you a bit now [hug] but I’ll get 100 kilos of it and bring it back soon, okay?
ANTHONY: Okay.

And he smiled his beautiful new slow smile and let me go….

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Subtle changes

The fact that my daily routine now includes spending much of the day with Anthony in the nursing home means that I don’t see his deterioration except in tiny increments, day by day.

Yesterday one of our friends visited Ants and she was just leaving as I was arriving. She is the mother of one of my best friends, nearly Anthony’s age, and has her own health problems and yet still visits Anthony regularly – an unbelievably kind and generous person but today a bit uncertain.

“I don’t think he knew who I was, Julie,” she said.
“Maybe I talk too much and it upsets him,” she said.
“Can you let me know if my visits are helpful or not?” she asked.

She was quite distressed at Anthony’s unresponsiveness and wondered how I coped with going in every day. Didn’t it get me down? I told her that I hardly ever got down any more and actually looked forward to going into the nursing home. She looked as surprised as I feel about this miracle. I am surprised that my relatively newfound eagerness to get into town to see Anthony every day has been so sustainable because I was a bit nervous that it might kind of wear off!

Now I know for sure that it will never wear off probably because I’ve accepted the status quo and am prepared for what lies ahead. Our friend’s distress at seeing Ants so deteriorated yesterday, sort of chair-ridden and blank, unable to respond verbally and very sleepy, was only because she hadn’t seen him for a week or so. I guess it’s a bit like noticing how much a small child has grown if you haven’t seen that child for awhile; it’s a bit of a shock.

After our friend left, I went into Anthony’s room and said, “Didn’t you recognize M?” but he said yes he had. I could see, though, that what might have disturbed M was the increasingly blank expression on Anthony’s face which is partly due to his facial muscles not working because of the Parkinson’s disease, including not blinking (which makes him look both sad and angry), and partly due to the confusion of dementia.

Of course Anthony is only going to get worse, more confused, eventually bedridden and totally unresponsive, so I am developing a more tactile and rather boisterous relationship with him instead of pushing the conversation thing. After all, his voice is now so soft and his words often unformed, so we need to establish a way to communicate that transcends the verbal – almost like a code. This has included hand-holding, neck massaging, sitting on the arm of his chair with my hand on his head, and/or loudly beckoning him out of his slumber with a funny anecdote from the past, clowning around and bopping to music, asking him for advice with a nod or shake of his head, watching dvds of television series he used to love, laughing and being cheeky (I have a rather raucous laugh which I make the most of in order to see his slow smile), and lots and lots of hugging.

The following photo is my usual profile picture and it’s a bit of a shock to realize this was five years ago!

Julie, Ants and Ming 2009

Then I just discovered this one, obviously taken seconds after the first photo. I can’t wait to show it to Anthony later today! I hope it will make him smile my smile.

Photos0132

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The new smile

For the love of smiling!

I took a photo of the avocado tree a few weeks ago and posted it on this blog, bragging about its amazing blossoms. A few days later, on climbing the tree to pick one last unreachable avocado, I got a bit tangled in the blossoms and, in untangling myself, realized they were actually the blossoms from an adjacent plum tree. I haven’t wanted to admit this until now because I am so embarrassed. I am quite sure all gardeningy people spotted my error but were kind enough not to say so. Anyway, it’s not my fault that the plum tree (or whatever it is) keeps throwing its pink-blossomed arms around the avocado tree!

I was overjoyed to spot a little peachick on the roof of the shed adjacent to the chookyard and I had a rather long conversation with it until I realized it was a twig!

I love to tell these embarrassing little funny stories to Anthony because it gets him smiling. Some time ago, it seemed that he would never smile again – not because he was sad but because the Parkinson’s has affected all of his muscles, including facial. But over time, I have learned how to elicit a different kind of smile; I use banter, loudness, crudeness and lots of vigorous hugs.

His loud, spontaneous, contagious laugh has gone and so has his loud voice as he now speaks in a kind of whispery way but I am ungentle and say things like:

Speak up, Anthony, clear your throat!
You look like a dead duck today!
Wake up!

Sometimes I catapult myself into his room, throw my arms around him and he gets such a shock and always says, “Jules, how did you know where to find me?”

Or, if he is having a bad day with forming words, I just get his beautiful new, slow-growing smile. And when Ming enters the room, Anthony’s smile gets a whole lot quicker!

Note: Avocado trees do not have pink blossoms!

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