wings and things

Anthony book 1: Three years

on January 9, 2015

January 9, 2015

This week marks the third year that Anthony was admitted into the nursing home for respite and never came home again.

Except to visit. The shock of it.

This is what I wrote in my blog at the time:

Jan 11 2012 Breaking

Yesterday, Son and I broke the news to Husband that his two weeks in the nursing home lodge might need to be extended, might even be indefinite and that this has been recommended by three of his doctors. Son reinforced this by starting a verbal sparring match:
Son: We can’t look after you anymore, Dad!
Husband: Well, you’re not much of a son, are you!
Me: C’mon, guys, give it a rest.
Son: Dad, can’t you see you need nursing care?
Husband: I’ll get better – wait and see. Don’t give up on me. Where’s my wife?
Son: Her name is Julie, Dad, and she’s crying in the bathroom as usual.
Husband: What the hell is she doing that for?
Me: Sorry, just had to go to the loo.
Husband: Are you okay? You look terrible. You really need a haircut.
Me: I know.
Son: Argh – I’ll meet you out in the car, Mum. Bye, Dad.
Husband: Wait – give me a hug.
Me: He’s okay; he’s a teenager.
Husband: Why is he so ….?
Me: He’s angry.
Husband: I love you two more than life.
Me: Us too.
Husband: You better go.
Me: Yeah, the brat’s waiting – give me a hug.
Husband: See you tomorrow?
Me: See you tomorrow.
Breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking…. br

Perhaps it is this strange anniversary of almost unbearable emotional pain that has rendered me numbly bleak (bleakly numb?) over the last few days.

Lately, the shiny wonder of having discovered different ways of happily being in the nursing home for so many hours per day with Anthony has begun to show its first lace-like signs of rust.


24 responses to “Anthony book 1: Three years

  1. susanpoozan says:

    I am so very sorry, is there no possibility of getting away for a short break. Have you got friends you could go to for some stimulation?

  2. Julie …Though you love Anthony and want to be with him… you have got to have another side of life and that has to be centered around ‘you’. The time you have with him will be enhanced if you allow yourself some time for ‘you’. A few days of ‘respite’ once in a while for you, I believe is not only a good thing to do but necessary. Spend some time if only a bit.. for frivolous things… I wish I was a doctor and I’d write you a prescription for exactly that!…. Diane

  3. mimijk says:

    I’m not sure you’re bored Julie – perhaps emotionally exhausted and in need of some time outside your world of the farm and the lodge? Some moments of joy that you are not manufacturing but are being created for you by the world around you. When I was in grad school a therapist told me something that I have never forgotten – one can be both strong and weak – they are the flip sides of the same coin. And I think you need to be both in order to take care of your heart. Written with love, m

  4. arlene says:

    You are a strong woman but you also need a little “me” times. I know it is easier said than done. I love reading your words – the struggles you face every day, the pain in your heart for Anthony but the love is there and that counts the most!

  5. I’m glad you are writing this Julie. There will be so many who nred someone to relate to. You have a unique voice. Not just for you, but for Ming, and mostly for Anthony.

  6. Vicki says:

    I have to agree with Diane.
    You need a break and some time away from the ‘routine’.

    (or…..all work and no play makes Julie……….well, I won’t say any more…….you need some me-time and play. Time to go out for a drink with a couple of friends or something).

    I think that’s the hardest part of living on a farm out in the country. Social lives need to be initiated and worked on – they don’t necessarily come to you. If there aren’t too many options, just change the routine and re-arrange the days where you can. Vicki xox

  7. Hello Julie. i wasn’t sure whether this post was a normal post or whether you wanted comments on the book idea. In case it is the latter, I offer these comments.

    I think that it is a fantastic idea that you are putting your experience into a book. I think that it is a real healing experience to write which leads on to helping other people. It means the struggle and difficult times have not been in vain, if you can get the message out to others. And I do believe that you have an important message to impart, which is one of continual cheeriness and optimism despite some dark times.

    As for the book ….
    i was wondering whether the book might be best to start a little before the actual move into the nursing home, perhaps a brief introduction to your married life, the onset of the illness, and then the actual move into the nursing home, which is this post.
    I was grabbed into your blog by the fact that you had moved into the country to live a simple enviable lifestyle which became sadly different than envisioned due to Anthony’s illness.
    As an aside, I am doing a book-editing course and could assist with some editing once you have your complete draft ready …. if you would like.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Wonderful suggestions and I would very much appreciate your feedback and am very grateful Elizabeth. I think you are right re beginning earlier in time so I will write the next bit like that (can always reorder the ‘chapters’ later). Thank you so much!

  8. You are only human like the rest of us, Julie. You can’t be strong 24/7. This too shall pass. xo

  9. Boredom is hard. I always thank my lucky tars that I love reading so much and t.v because I don’t get weighed down with boredom. My only experiences with boredom were in places where I couldn’t escape like certain jobs.I feel for you Jules! Hugs 🙂

  10. Hello dear Julie, in the program I coach in, Choices, there is an exercise that asks each person, “Did you save any medicine for yourself?”

    Bottomline, we can’t take care of others if we don’t first take care of ourselves. To be strong for others, we must be strong — and that requires self-care.

    You give your heart and soul and mind and body to taking care of others, and it is a beautiful thing. But, when we give so unconditionally to others, it comes at enormous cost when self-care is nowhere on our agenda.

    be loving and kind to you. treat yourself with tender loving care. I imagine that one of the hardest parts of what you are going through with Anthony is the loss of the dream of growing old together, of spending your golden years sitting on the deck watching Gusta and all your avian friends together, of celebrating this life you have built as partners ebb away away day by day under the oppressive weight of a disease for which there is no cure.

    I am so very sorry you are going through this Julie — I have nothing to send you but my love and prayers. may you feel their warmth. May you feel their embrace wrapping you in Love.

  11. I agree with an earlier comment. You need to develop the other side of your life, so that there is something just for you, outside of your time with Ants.

    A tough anniversary to remember Jules. HUGS to you and Ming. ❤

    Diana xo

  12. Rhonda says:

    3 years already…incredible…xoxo

  13. Tiny says:

    You might just need a break Julie! A couple of days elsewhere, just by yourself, for a change.

  14. It’s not surprising that you are feeling blah right now. Sure, you’re excited about this new project, but in doing this wonderful book you will undoubtedly relive the emotional pain. All in all, though, I’d think it may be quite cathartic and healing. At least that is my hope for you.

  15. ksbeth says:

    3 years and an expected dip in enthusiasm. time to set up new things to look forward to, like the book project )

  16. My Heartsong says:

    A good start to the story.

  17. bulldog says:

    Julie you need a break, a bit of alone time, time to rejuvenate the batteries…. Sterkte…

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