Me: I woke up this morning from the most terrible nightmare about you, Ants.
Anthony: Not very flattering, Jules, but good morning to you too.
Me: No, I don’t mean you were a monster or anything; on the other hand….
Anthony: Go on, I’m interested.
Me: Well, there are a few scenarios where I am asking you if you are seeing an ex-girlfriend – not a real one, that you really went out with – a new one who I’ve never heard of before. Anyway you say no the first time I ask you. Then, the second time I ask, you say yes, but just for dinner and you assure me that nothing untoward is going on. But, the third time, you admit that you’ve fallen in love with her.
Anthony: Ah the plot thickens….
Me: It’s not funny, Ants; I’m still trying to shake the nightmare off!
Anthony: Okay, sorry. So what happens next?
Me: During the rest of the nightmare, we are at a party. All of our friends and family are there and so is SHE. You are avoiding me and I’m upset but trying not to show it. I’m worried that you are overdoing it and amazed at how well you look considering how ill you are.
Anthony: So it’s another one of those dreams where I suddenly jump out of my wheelchair and start dancing?
Me: No. I like that dream; in this one there is no wheelchair in the first place. I keep wanting to ask you if the nursing home staff know you’re out and about and do you have your pills but it’s impossible to even get close to you.
Anthony: Am I the life of the party?
Me: Stop fishing! Yes.
Anthony: Good….
Me: Then a rumour starts circulating that you are going to announce your engagement to this other woman. Apart from the shock of hearing this, I am bewildered because you and I are already engaged. Anyway, as you are too gutless to tell me yourself, you send a friend over to tell me that you were never in love with me and that you are sorry. I am devastated but try to act cool because people are starting to look at me sympathetically already.
Anthony: Well it’s not true, Jules.
Me: So I say to this friend that I’ve been with you for over twenty years but still waiting for you to choose a wedding date. Feeling desperate, I do a bit of a whispered rant to the friend about all of the years I’ve cared for you with your kidney cancer, prostate cancer and Parkinson’s disease, and the friend quietly commiserates,
Anthony: Who’s the friend?
Me: B.
Anthony: Oh, B. Great bloke.
Me: So then the most horrible scenario unfolds. You and this other woman announce your engagement to a shocked but delighted crowd.
Anthony: What do you do?
Me: I leave with as much dignity as I can muster. I find my car and drive away, sobbing.
Anthony: Maybe that other woman is your alter-ego?
Me: No, she has long, thick curly hair and a horsey face, and she’s ten years older than me!
Anthony: Oh.
Me: Is that all you can say – ‘Oh’?
Anthony: I’m sorry, Jules.
Me: What for? The nightmare, or what happened in the nightmare?
Anthony: Both.
Me: Well I guess it’s no more real than these conversations.
Anthony: Ouch.
Me: I felt so absolutely abandoned and alone and angry but I didn’t want everyone at the party to know how I felt.
Anthony: Maybe that’s what the nightmare was all about.
Me: When did you get your degree in rocket science?
Anthony: Superlative sarcasm, Jules – bravo!
Me: Anyway, I just wanted to tell you about it. It’s so good talking to you.
Anthony: Remember how we used to debate the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?
Me: And how you used to say you loved me but you weren’t in love with me? Yes, difficult to forget that.
Anthony: But remember the day it all changed?
Me: Oh yes! I’d forgotten about that!
Anthony: Let’s save that for our next conversation, Jules. I’m exhausted!
Me: But I’m the one who had the nightmare! I hope I don’t have it again. Are there any nightmare tweakers where you are?
Anthony: I’ll see what I can do. And Jules?
Me: Yes?
Anthony: I’ve only ever been in love with one person.
Me: Who?
Anthony: Now you’re fishing.
Me: Well, who?
Anthony: YOU.
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