parenting | jmgoyder

Gutsy9’s growth

by jmgoyder

G9 is now too big to be taken by a crow, fast enough to avoid the pecks of the pecking order, and can fly up to the height of a picnic table or low branch. His wonky leg is almost normal and he no longer walks with a limp. He sleeps happily all night with the ducks, Zaruma and Tapper, spends a few hours on my lap during the day and is nearly old enough to free range around the farm with the others. My biggest worry is he will fall into the pond and not be able to get out but yesterday he actually did fall in and flew out quite easily.

But guess what? I think he might be a she! The reason is that all of the adult males have a spur on each leg whereas the females don’t, and neither does G9.

Animal Birds Friendship Happiness Wings

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Empathy requires effort

by jmgoyder

A few thing have happened lately that have drawn my attention to the notion of empathy – that ability to identify with someone else’s suffering and to feel it too. This is not as easy as sympathy.

Okay the first thing that made me think about empathy was (as blogged previously) Ming’s inability to feel it for Anthony. Then, last night, after Ming got home from his weekend away, he was obviously unconcerned about my asthma until I said, “Why don’t you care?”

“Because I don’t know what it feels like, Mum!” he said. Ïf you want me to care, you have to tell me to; if you want my support, you have to tell me how.”

Food for thought: empathy doesn’t necessarily come naturally.

The second thing that made me think about empathy was a blogpost by a friend whose beautiful daughter died recently after years of suffering. This mother’s grief is raw and almost unbearable to read about, and my sympathy for her is enormous, but what about my empathy?

So I tried to imagine it; I tried to imagine my only child, Ming, dying and dead, but I couldn’t get my imagination to get beyond his dying to his death because it was too hard. I felt so wretched with grief I had to stop my imagination.

Food for thought: Empathy does come naturally to some and I thought I was one of those, but I’m not sure anymore whether it is possible to feel empathy (automatically) for someone who has experienced something that you haven’t.

How can 19-year-old Ming feel empathy for his 77-year-old father? Is it something that needs to be taught?

I wonder.

blogging Family Friendship Grief

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Hardening the heart

by jmgoyder

I’m not sure if this is right or wrong, sensible or nonsensical, normal or not, but sometimes I have to harden my heart in a very deliberate way in order to ‘seize the day’.

We probably all do this to some extent – I’m not sure. All I know is that if Anthony is forlorn, or Ming is angry, or I am wondering/wandering, I seem to be able to harden my heart against itself.

And then I can breathe again.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

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What did I say that for?

by jmgoyder

This morning I wrote a post about coincidences in which I said, I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is dying.”

I don’t know why I said something so morbid when I wasn’t feeling morbid. I was feeling a curious mixture of fatalism and resignatiom, I guess, but not morbid.

Now, however, I do feel morbid because of my own stupid sentences and I wish I had said, I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is alive.

Some people philosophize that you begin to die as soon as you are conceived which is, of course, true, but not a particularly pleasant way of thinking about life.

When Anthony was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer and given 1-3 years to live (several years ago!) we were utterly devastated. I remember tearfully telling a friend and he said, Well, we are all dying aren’t we and another friend said, well, he’s had a good life. Neither of these comments were helpful, but they were true.

Anthony has outlived his prostate cancer prognosis only to fall into the arms of Parkinson’s disease. But I no longer think of this as cruel and tragic and neither does Anthony. In fact I have never seen the tiniest sign of self-pity from him in all these many years of illness.

Yes, Anthony is dying, but he is also living. And that’s a coincidence.

Oh yes and all the geese are alive and well, especially Godfrey!

blogging Family Friendship LOVE STORY

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Coincidences

by jmgoyder

In 1959, Anthony turned 23, had his first relationship with a woman, his father died, and, across the other side of Australia, I was born.

I had my first relationship with a man (Anthony) when I was 23.

My father died at the age of 58. Ming was born when Anthony was 58.

Ming and I both have a parent who is 77 (Anthony and my mother).

I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is dying.

Coincidences can be interesting, but they can also be cruel.

Family Friendship

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A single sentence solution for sulky teenagers 2

by jmgoyder

Ming has now become the main breadwinner in this family. He’s been working part-time for over a year now as a dairyhand for the family whose farm adjoins ours. Then, as of a few weeks ago, he’s been working three mornings per week as a farmhand for a man who lives up the road. Altogether, this just about equates to full-time work and a full-time wage.
As a result, Ming gets a bit tired and grumpy sometimes and this morning he said, Ï don’t want to work for the other guy anymore!”

Here are the sentences that formed in my mind:

– How can you be so lazy?
– You should be grateful to have work when there’s so much unemployment!
– When I was your age I had three jobs!

But I didn’t say any of those things because I was suddenly struck with gratitude for the way Ming is transitioning from boy to man, so I said:

I am so proud of you, Ming.

His grimace turned into a grin!

[Note: The prequel to this published itself prematurely – sorry!]

Family Friendship

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Ageism 2

by jmgoyder

I feel compelled to write a follow-up to yesterday’s post due to the interesting comments that were made. There was even a little debate on my blog which has never happened before!

The ageism that Ming has admitted to is not directed at just Anthony; it is more generalized. He is easily annoyed with all things old – not just people. For example we live in a very old house where things are beginning to break down and wear out – old carpets, broken furniture, warped flyscreens, holes through which mice enter, old plumbing, electrical wiring etc. Similarly, we have problems outside with old lawnmowers, trees, sheds, hoses, water tanks etc.

This is all perfectly normal for an old farm and none of it is insurmountable, but getting things fixed is expensive and time-consuming and, for young Ming, a source of constant frustration.

Add to this old Anthony’s deterioration in health and we have a young Ming with an aversion to both the concept and reality of the word öld”.

If I were to define compassion, I would say it is equal parts sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is feeling sad FOR somebody else, whereas empathy is feeling sad LIKE somebody else. In general, the latter does not come easily to young people when dealing with old people.

I think that if Ming weren’t compassionate, he would not be worried about his lack of empathy for Anthony. He wants to be empathetic but he can’t feel it and I can’t make him feel it, so we accept it. His love for Anthony runs deep, but his liking of Anthony is problematic because Ants is now so old, frail and incapacitated that Ming avoids seeing him. Strangely, I am the one most hurt by this as Ants is more philosophical and remembers feeling the same aversion to his own father after his father had a stroke.

Yesterday’s post was not intended as a moan or a cry for help; I was just telling it like it is, warts and all!

When people ask Ming, “So, what are you doing these days?” Ming always replies proudly, Ï’m following in Dad’s footsteps.” I used to think Ming was referring to the fact that he is milking cows but now I think his statement means much more.

Oh yeah, and a bad day doesn’t mean a bad life. We are lucky.

blogging Family Friendship LOVE STORY

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Ageism

by jmgoyder

Before I entered university life, I worked for around ten years in nursing homes. I felt an enormous affection for elderly people and began to understand the communication value of stories told by people who were in various stages of dementia.

I wrote a PhD, then a book, then articles – all published – and Anthony was so proud of me. We used to talk about the elderly people I’d met, their stories, my theories, and the various drawbacks of life in a nursing home. This was around the same time we got married – 20 years ago.

Little did I know then what would happen to us now, that Anthony would be in a nursing home, that Anthony would get Parkinon’s disease dementia (PDD), that Ming, our son, would become ageist.

Like many young people, Ming has an aversion to old age, but he never used to! He used to be compassionate and kind; now he is either horrified or indifferent.

We had a discussion about this last night and Ming actually admitted to ageism.
“It’s Dad’s fault,” he said.

I went outside and wept.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY My published writing

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Deformed

by jmgoyder

Gutsy9 began to limp quite badly a couple of days ago, so yesterday Ming and I took him to the vet who confirmed that this is simply due to the deformity of his right leg. To my great relief this has nothing to do with me injuring one of his toes when he ran under my office chair way back.

I went back through my photos of him and I can see now that it was always deformed. He always stretched this leg out strangely. It’s okay though because he can now fly up to the height of a table and he is not in any pain.

G9 is now spending most of the day in the chookpen and all night in the big cage within the chookpen, but he also has an afternoon nap inside the house, either on my lap or nuzzling into my shoulder.

What a bird!

Animal Family Friendship Wings

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