jmgoyder

wings and things

Indifference

I read once that the opposite of love is indifference, not hatred, and I think this makes a lot of sense. Indifference has a deceptive blandness to it, but is actually much more effective than hatred which, in my opinion, is a rather stupid emotion but does fuel a multiplicity of wars – within families, within countries, across history and geography. Hatred gobbles itself up in a futile way because it cannot forgive.

Indifference, on the other hand, is a wonderful emotional tool because you can use it to forgive and forget, and it is much gentler than hatred. The only problem with indifference is that, because it is so subtle, sometimes the indifferenced don’t  get it. I have learned these wisdoms from the antics of peafowl – ha!

Poor King. He keeps trying to impress Queenie but she just wants him to go away!

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Love story 95 – Mother and Son

You know that wonderful series, Mother and Son? If you don’t, it is well worth watching for its tragi-comic episodes.

Anthony and I used to watch it and laugh our heads of because in many ways it reminded us of the days of his lovely, but wiley, mother, Inna. In her 80s when I first met this family, Inna was definitely the boss and Anthony, in his 40s, was the only unmarried ‘kid’ so he looked after her and ran the dairy farm [you can see ‘Love story’ offerings in previous posts].

Then, when Ants and I got married, I was in my 30s and he was in his 50s and there were definitely some hilarious resemblances to Mother and Son in a weird, Freudian way.

And now? I am the mother in her 50s and Ming (our son) is approaching his 20s and some of our scenarios, conflicts and shared hilarity, remind me of Mother and Son, because there are some disconcerting similarities.

Speaking of motherhood – what the hell is Tapper (duck) doing inside the tiny space of the chook house? She has been sitting on a million eggs for two weeks now. Today, I said to her, have some daughters as well as sons please!

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An (un)successful day

It was a day of contradictions with a good dose of anger thrown in. Ming was angry with me (characteristically) for not warning him that Anthony was being wheelchair-taxied home for lunch; I was angry with Ming for not going with the flow; and Anthony was angry with me (uncharacteristically) when the taxi came to pick him up to take him back to the nursing lodge after only 3 hours of being home.

However (and thank goodness for however) it was a sunny day, I cooked a lovely lunch, we sat outside and Ming played his guitar and a friend came over to see us later on and she was there when Ants was taxied away and she tolerated my mixed emotions about a whole lot of stuff – a good friend who also tolerated the fact that I have still not pruned the roses!

When I kissed Ants goodbye, he was quite nasty to me. No, that’s not quite accurate; he was quite unhappy with me – for sending him back. We had had several tail-chasing conversations during the day about him wanting to stay the night, about the impossibility of this because I cannot lift him etc. Ming became impatient and told us both to shut up and I have to admit I just wanted the whole ordeal over and done with.

So, when Ants had been taxied off and Ming had gone off to milk cows, and I was alone, I waited for the usual sobbing to happen, but it didn’t!

Instead, I decided to look at a few pictures I’d taken earlier in the day, to see if they worked out. Here they are – our one white peacock (we have two white peahens as well) finally grown up enough to display!

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Blink

Okami always has an expression of absolute contentment in his eyes.

Uluru, on the other hand, always looks totally freaked out!

Both alpacas blink.

I never realized how much eyes could convey in terms of emotion until my husband, Anthony, stopped blinking. I didn’t know he’d stopped blinking and that this was sometimes one of the symptoms of Parkinson’s Disease. It wasn’t until we first saw a neurologist, who did some hand/eye/leg coordination tests, that this inability to blink was pointed out. The neurologist had a rather dry sense of humour and said to me, “You thought he was getting moody, didn’t you.” When I nodded, he said, “When someone doesn’t blink, they may appear to be angry or sad.” I looked at Anthony who looked back at me with a small, uneasy smile, his eyes unblinking. “So, do I have Parkinson’s Disease?” he asked the neurologist. “Yes, I believe you do,” said the neurologist.

As I drove us home that day – so many years ago now – Anthony stared out of the window and I blinked back tears, but we talked it through and decided to do the only thing we could do which was to take things one day at a time.

Keep blinking if you can.

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Love story 94 – Fireworks

Oh how I love remembering the early years of my marriage to Anthony and the joy of our little Ming:

Ming was just a toddler when Anthony and I took him into Bunbury, the nearest town, to see the Australia Day fireworks. It would be his first time. We went in early in order to get a parking space at a place called Boulter’s Heights, where we knew we would be able to view the fireworks from up high and from a slight distance, rather than being in the midst of the throng of revellers down in the main street.

Ming found even the waiting-for-the-fiyaworks exciting (although of course he wasn’t quite sure what fireworks were, except that it needed to be dark). He played with the rapidly increasing group of other little children, while what was a small gathering of adults gradually became huge.

As dusk fell and the crowd of big and little children grew, I kept my eyes trained carefully on Ming in that instinctive “mother bear” way, making sure he wasn’t being bullied or feeling lost. Finally, I retrieved him from a barely visible group of kids and he was safely perched half on my knee and half on Anthony’s when the first fireworks exploded.

The brightness of that very first fireworks “taster” was much more intense – and much closer – than I had expected. Ming flung himself violently backwards against my chest at the visual impact. Silently shocked, he clutched at Anthony’s leg just before the second explosion of enormous light and colour. and the noise!

Ming’s silence made me wonder if perhaps this event was too scary for him. As kaboom followed kaboom, and with the colour, light and people’s shouts of glee surrounding us, I held tight to Ming’s trembling body. Oh no! Maybe he was too little to appreciate fireworks, I thought, as I bent my head into the crook of his neck to see if he was okay.

But I needn’t have worried. Yes, he was briefly mesmerised and frightened. But as the fireworks became more intense, so did the crowd’s pauses become longer and a communal bated breath replaced the noises of impatient anticipation.

It was into one of those pauses that Ming suddenly began to shout, over and over and over again, “DOYALUVITMUMMYDADDY???!!!” And then, “ANDONY, ANDONY, ANDONY!!!DONTCHALUVITMUMMYDADDY???!!!”

Each time Ming yelled this, it was in one of those hushed moments of awe immediately after a fireworks explosion. Within the relatively small hilltop crowd we’d formed, Ming’s exclamations seemed to ring out as clearly as the noise of the fireworks and the people around us started to laugh and clap at his contagious glee.

Eventually, Ming became quieter, disconcerted by the adult attention. Then he got off my lap and toddled awkwardly around me until he was behind me with his chubby little arms around my neck. As the last firework shone out lingeringly, Ming bent his face to my ear.

“DoyaluvitMummy?” he asked again, this time solemnly.

“I love it all right, Ming,” I said, squeezing his hands and grinning at Anthony.

“Mummy,” Ming whispered very softly, as if it were a very important secret. “My tummy is cubbling [cuddling] me!!”

I knew exactly what he meant!

The beautiful thing is that Ants remembers this night too, despite the PDD.

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Humpty dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again

This little ditty has been dissected and analyzed by hundreds of literary scholars and nursery rhyme enthusiasts, but I’m just using it here to describe how ghastly this week has been in so many ways – not just for me but for Ming and Anthony too. The good thing is that I have found a way of putting Humpty dumpty together again and he will be sitting back up on his wall again tomorrow with a big smile.

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It’s such an honour!

On my third trip into town today (on my son’s behalf) this was our conversation:

Ming: You must feel really honoured to know me.

Me: WHAT did you say? [I was negotiating a difficult bit of road work, having forgotten my moonglasses]

Ming: Well you’ve known me since you had me, so you’ve seen me from the beginning.

Me: Your delusions of grandeur are really starting to irritate me, Ming.

Ming: No, Mum, all I mean is that you’ve known me from beginning to end.

Me: When is the end though?

Anyway, the conversation got a bit philosophical/hysterical after that. Nevertheless, I dropped the brat off for a concert and on my third trip home I thought of how Anthony waved to us today after our visit.

Me: Why are you giving me a wave like the Queen does?

Anthony: Because, my darling, I am royal.

Is arrogance genetic?

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Floundering

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The argument

Tonight the argument escalated to a point where we are both terribly shaken at how ferocious we can be towards each other.

The Aga was off because we ran out of kerosene a few days ago so, instead, we filled the kitchen with the heat of our fury until words whimpered away, and our tears tore our anger into small shivers of hot shock.

My son and I looked at each other with black eyes, unblinking and hateful but then one of us blinked and we found comfort in the Chinese food I’d brought home.

I have just tucked him in – this Anthony clone, Ming – and he admitted that he is terrified of losing me in the same way he has lost Anthony, his father, to illness. My sprained ankle terrified and engraged him.

His rage was thunderous and his beautiful face was contorted into a thousand lines of teenage fear. “I can’t lose you too, Mum,” he said, shivering into the blankets I piled ontop of him.

He always starts ‘the argument’ but I don’t blame him at all for this – my fantastic son, Ming.

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Love story 93 – Anthony’s 75th birthday party

Last year, before Anthony turned 75, I decided to throw him a huge party and invite every single one of his friends and relatives. I knew at the time that it would be our last opportunity to do this because of how rapidly Anthony’s health was deteriorating. The party was a resounding success with everyone here at the farm – over 100 people! One of the highlights was this poem, written by his friend, Eden, and read out by his nephew, Andrew. Eden had handwritten it and I now have it framed and on the wall in Anthony’s room at the nursing lodge. Every time I read it, it makes me laugh and cry and laugh again.

Goyder’s  Show

So long ago by just a chance

to town he came for drink and dance.

That’s how we met so long ago, and

set the future’s wonderful show.

From Balingup hills to Dardanup flats,

drinking, hard working and fast cars to bat.

Like the “G.T.” roaring from “Bythorne’s” gate,

only shortly after to meet its fate.

The “A9X” would do no such thing,

It was far too precious with all its bling.

The shake of his hand is a law to abide,

welcoming many to “come inside.”

The kitchen table like a rock to the land,

a tea or a beer always at hand.

The AGA sits with pride of place,

the warmth of its glow etched in his face.

Cows in the shed, calves on the chain,

Shorts, teeshirt ’n boots he’d tend to them for gain.

The hours long and days of repeat,

milk quota cheques made it ever so sweet.

The “Inkys and Docs” were to provide for a stash,

when times were hard and the beef market crash.

That’s breeding the dachshunds should you not know,

just another chapter in this wonderful show.

Loyal to his siblings, workers and friends,

Arthur and Ken, the incredible men.

Side by side, intuitively so, Anthony Goyder

would give them a go.

So many shared his trust and kind ways,

so many fortunate come what may.

Somewhere in the midst came a wife and a son,

a job in the waiting, which had to be done.

They’re the pride of his fleet and ultimate test

To his boyness manner and youthful zest.

A husband sincere and ‘King of the Dads’

Menzies his son, such a fortunate lad.

‘His Royal Highness’ of Paradise Road,

is always there to share the load

of a mind stressed or persons ill,

he’s always kind and full of will.

Not father, brother or simply friend

but something of each his curious blend.

This man would show the way of right

and steady the wrong of which I might.

These qualities not destined at birth,

but earnestly found as he treads the earth.

This bloke of endless humour and wit

has a soulful nature blended from grit.

Should a scrap of fight I had to go

I’d have Goyder on side and not as foe.

The hard hits he’d take for all his mob,

then wryly smile and say good job.

His humour and wit come to the fore

exclaiming “they missed the Goyder once more!”

A yell to his mates would be “grab us a beer,

let’s get out now with something to cheer!”

In 25 years it’s cheers we will,

the time going by like the ring of a till.

With Queen’s telegram he’ll calling us back,

for a drink and a yarn at the “Bythorne Shack.”

“A Queen’s telegram! I’m one hundred you know.”

I can’t wait for that in his wonderful show ….

Me on the left and Ants on the right as the poem was being read out.

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