jmgoyder

I am a beer girl myself but Anthony prefers red wine. I remember when we’d go out to lunch or dinner, the waitress would always give him the beer and me the wine and a bit of laughter would be exchanged before we swapped drinks.

This afternoon, I decided to do something different and go see Ants at 5pm instead of earlier in the day. I rang him beforehand and he answered the phone (a miracle in itself!) and I said I was coming in to have a drink.

It was WONDERFUL! I now think this might be the best time to visit because the atmosphere is more mellow than the flurry of daytime. I took the bottle of wine into his room and poured him a glass and I opened my beer and we had a drink together, laughing and talking and then his dinner was brought in and I helped him with that a bit and then I had to go, and he was fine!

Thank you, red wine!

When life holds its breath

And the rubbish bin hasn’t been emptied yet

And the dishes haven’t been done again

And you hope for the unthinkable

That you will only be able to breathe again when he can’t

When your friends either overwhelm or discard you

When your family pities you and can do nothing to help, no matter how hard they try

You can always smash the lung balloon of life and make it breathe again

Or not

You can remember every single moment of your life with the person who is dying

Loud, boisterous parties in the kitchen with the stereo blasting

Discovering little bits of each others’ stories like drops of sweat or dew

A single perfect camellia

A cheeky half moon

A baby, now grown as upright as a karri tree

A child who doesn’t remember, but knows his father was not always as ill as now

A teenager who doesn’t remember our holidays, our joy, our frivolity

When life holds its breath

All you can do is wait for the inevitability of death

And hope the slow motion can be fast forwarded in order to skip the bad and boring bits

So that your own breath will come back

So that things will not be endlessly paused

A story with a definite resolution

A bird dead or alive but not dying, not dying

When life holds its breath

You have to tap it on the shoulder

Make it see what you see

Give it mouth-to-mouth

Kiss death, kiss life

Brandish humour like a sword

Overcome fear with love

Embrace the influx of crows

Stop wondering why

Stop crying and crying and crying

Take the white peacock feather from the ground and put it behind your ear

Wrestle the dreams of falling by becoming a giant

When life holds its breath

You have to make sure you can breathe for yourself

You have to hold the hand of your dying husband

You have to candle yourself into a glowing smile

You have to flap your wings like an angry gander with no tomorrow in mind

You have to remember and love all of the people you once knew who were dying and you did nothing

And understand the why of the fear of impending death

The loneliness of now and the absence of then

When life holds its breath