wings and things

Love story 107 – Canny confusion

on October 18, 2012

This afternoon, when I visited Anthony in the nursing lodge, he was confused in some ways and canny in other ways.

“You said you were coming earlier.” CANNY because I was a bit late.

“There was a wedding here this morning – awful people.” CONFUSED

“So who owns Bythorne now?” CONFUSED AND CANNY

“Is he trying to take it again?”CANNY because he remembers some of the horrible family stuff that happened when we got married.

“So where am I now?” CONFUSED

I haven’t seen Anthony this confused before. He even thought his beautiful older brothers, now deceased, were helping Ming and me out on the farm. But the thing that struck me most was his anxiety about another relative who had been such a bully that we had to banish him. That was the best thing we ever did, but the fact that Anthony is still worried about this and worried about me, and that his memories are so lucid about a situation that is long gone, disturbs me and breaks my heart.

As Anthony’s PDD (Parkinson’s Disease Dementia) progresses, will his memories of the bully dominate or will his memories of our blissful little family dominate? I don’t want him to be afraid and confused like this. I don’t want him to remember horrible stuff.

In my new Godzilla mode, I want to smash those horrible memories to pieces; they are now beginning to splinter into Anthony’s mind in such a disturbing way. Why else would he have asked the same questions again and again?

“So who owns Bythorne now?”

“Is he trying to take it again?”

My answers:

“You own Bythorne.”

“Not a chance in hell!”

Yes, I am a little angry.

60 responses to “Love story 107 – Canny confusion

  1. Louise G. says:

    Hugs dear Julie. I’d be angry too. And fearful and sad and scared and worried and confused and tired.

    And I’d want to punch the sky and pummel the earth and try to make it all right and be so frustrated and angry I couldn’t.

    It doesn’t seem fair and it’s not.


    • jmgoyder says:

      I just hope he doesn’t keep remembering this stuff – it certainly didn’t help his adventure into chronic illness – argh! Thanks so much Louise – we will sort it out.

  2. viveka says:

    It’s heartbreaking to read … so happy that my 90 year old mum – are clear as a crystal bowl. Julie, don’t know what to say .. to comfort – I know you know that it will get worst – save your anger – easy to say, but so much harder to accept.

  3. bulldogsturf says:

    It must be very difficult to follow the coming and going of Ant memories… Strength to you Dear friend… strength…

  4. niasunset says:

    What can I say I don’t know, deaar Julie, but my love and my good wishes, you are a strong woman. Love you, nia

  5. Again, most of all, you love shines through.

  6. Judith Post says:

    A lot of times, when my mother’s confused, she’s also afraid…or mean. Part of the Alzheimer’s. But each time, the doctor has prescribed a new med that takes away the anxiety, and then she’s at least happier, (not always more lucid, but the odds are better).

  7. Robyn Lee says:

    Hard one Julie, wish I knew what to offer ~ keep Godzilla alive though – seems she is protecting you and the whole family. xxoo Hugs ~

  8. terry1954 says:

    that has to be so horrible to listen to Julie. Dementia is such a nasty bugger!!!

  9. I keep coming back to the bottom line – it’s a horrible disease.

  10. Can you try filling his head with the good memories?

  11. mimijk says:

    I send you much love and hope that his confusion stems from days that just blend into the other, so that time becomes an increasingly vague concept. It’s so hard not to be angry – and you’re entitled to feel all of it. Feel all the love around you, for there are many who are sending you all they have.

  12. dcwisdom says:

    Confusion is part of the disease. One doctor told us to fight it; another said to ignore it. At that point, Mom and I agreed to set aside the painful emotions of it and deal with the facts of the disease. In some ways, that decision made it easier for us to deal with those things that were more important and urgent. But, yes, very frustrating…so hard…so draining…it yanks the chain…
    Try to rest and eat well. There really isn’t much you can do for Anthony (aside from happy hour, phone calls, hugs and kisses, etc.), but you can take care of yourself. Build in your breaks.
    Why don’t you come on over and we can have a good cry, strong tea, and a funny movie?
    I’m projecting BIG Texas love across the waves…

  13. Trisha says:

    My heart goes out to you both.

  14. I’m glad that your Godzilla mode is persisting!

  15. elizabeth says:

    It’s so difficult to know what to do or say at those awful times. Our mother sometimes cries terrified that someone has taken her kids away. We were placed in a children’s home for a short time. I hate when that fear and those memories haunt her.

    If you do figure out how to get some joy back for Ants please share it with us. I tried music with my mum, but it just made her cry.


  16. pixilated2 says:

    Sending a (((O))) and a X.
    It is all I have.
    I wish it were more.

  17. What a relentless disease it is. All you can do is be patient and answer the same questions over, soothing him.

  18. victoriaaphotography says:

    Sending Big Cyber Hugs to you Julie,……. xox.
    I can only imagine how distressing this situation and confusion is.

    Is there anything the Dr can do in terms of a mild sedative to ‘soften’ that distress & confusion Anthony is feeling right now?

    (Not that I like drugs, but maybe it’s coming up to the time of a wee bit of ‘calming’ via the drug route).

    Perhaps even a dried Lavender ‘pillow’ under his normal bed pillow, OR ‘chamomile & lavender heat pad’ for him to lie on or warm his feet on. This type of essential oil OR herb pillow might go towards softening the anxiety Anthony feels. Don’t forget 2-3 drops of Bach Rescue Remedy on the tongue (or wrists) can sometimes alay anxiety & distress. (says me who always forgets these simple home remedies and is a trained Aromatherapist).

  19. A little angry I would be a lot angry…………………..

  20. Fergiemoto says:

    That’s one of the difficulties of pain, emotional pain, that I have found. The memories have a tendency to keep coming back.

  21. bluebee says:

    I’d be angry too 😦

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