This afternoon, when I visited Anthony in the nursing lodge, he was confused in some ways and canny in other ways.
“You said you were coming earlier.” CANNY because I was a bit late.
“There was a wedding here this morning – awful people.” CONFUSED
“So who owns Bythorne now?” CONFUSED AND CANNY
“Is he trying to take it again?”CANNY because he remembers some of the horrible family stuff that happened when we got married.
“So where am I now?” CONFUSED
I haven’t seen Anthony this confused before. He even thought his beautiful older brothers, now deceased, were helping Ming and me out on the farm. But the thing that struck me most was his anxiety about another relative who had been such a bully that we had to banish him. That was the best thing we ever did, but the fact that Anthony is still worried about this and worried about me, and that his memories are so lucid about a situation that is long gone, disturbs me and breaks my heart.
As Anthony’s PDD (Parkinson’s Disease Dementia) progresses, will his memories of the bully dominate or will his memories of our blissful little family dominate? I don’t want him to be afraid and confused like this. I don’t want him to remember horrible stuff.
In my new Godzilla mode, I want to smash those horrible memories to pieces; they are now beginning to splinter into Anthony’s mind in such a disturbing way. Why else would he have asked the same questions again and again?
“So who owns Bythorne now?”
“Is he trying to take it again?”
My answers:
“You own Bythorne.”
“Not a chance in hell!”
Yes, I am a little angry.
“
jmgoyder 
Hugs dear Julie. I’d be angry too. And fearful and sad and scared and worried and confused and tired.
And I’d want to punch the sky and pummel the earth and try to make it all right and be so frustrated and angry I couldn’t.
It doesn’t seem fair and it’s not.
Hugs.
I just hope he doesn’t keep remembering this stuff – it certainly didn’t help his adventure into chronic illness – argh! Thanks so much Louise – we will sort it out.
It’s heartbreaking to read … so happy that my 90 year old mum – are clear as a crystal bowl. Julie, don’t know what to say .. to comfort – I know you know that it will get worst – save your anger – easy to say, but so much harder to accept.
You are so understanding – your ma sounds amazing!
She are one of the strongest women .. I know. But her body has given up on her – but living at home with care help 3 times per day.
So sorry.
She are in a wheel chair – but do her own laundry and change bed-linen herself, do her washing up. Amazing woman and she don’t feel sorry for herself neither.
So that’s why you are a wonderwoman! Because your mother is!
Yes, I have got so much from her and she raised me to become a strong person in my late teens. Even if I like Ming was a pain.
I am getting stronger!
I know you’re and I’m glad for you.
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(((hugs)))
u2
It must be very difficult to follow the coming and going of Ant memories… Strength to you Dear friend… strength…
You are such a lovely friend – thank you BD!
Love love.. c
Thx!
welcome .. c
What can I say I don’t know, deaar Julie, but my love and my good wishes, you are a strong woman. Love you, nia
Thanks Nia!
Again, most of all, you love shines through.
There isn’t much else left.
A lot of times, when my mother’s confused, she’s also afraid…or mean. Part of the Alzheimer’s. But each time, the doctor has prescribed a new med that takes away the anxiety, and then she’s at least happier, (not always more lucid, but the odds are better).
Yes, if his confused distress gets worse we may need to change meds again.
Hard one Julie, wish I knew what to offer ~ keep Godzilla alive though – seems she is protecting you and the whole family. xxoo Hugs ~
Yes it’s tricky. He has never been distressed before – well, not like yesterday – so this is new.
that has to be so horrible to listen to Julie. Dementia is such a nasty bugger!!!
The confusion doesn’t bother me or him per se but this distress he’s feeling is very new.
the distress, is something i live with from hour to hour
I know and I can’t bear it for you – something has to change but what?
Hugs.
You too!
I keep coming back to the bottom line – it’s a horrible disease.
Yes.
Can you try filling his head with the good memories?
Yes, that is tricky though. I tried yesterday to remind him of other stuff but he couldn’t remember a lot of it. I will try again today.
Would photos of the ol’ homestead help? Can you put some pics of your birds and land in his room? Maybe surrounding him with photos would allow his mind to concentrate on the good.
What an awful disease@! (hugs)
Great minds! Yes I have pictures on his walls of the farm and cows and stuff but I think I will take photo albums in today. Thanks so much!
Hope you have a gret visit today!
I send you much love and hope that his confusion stems from days that just blend into the other, so that time becomes an increasingly vague concept. It’s so hard not to be angry – and you’re entitled to feel all of it. Feel all the love around you, for there are many who are sending you all they have.
You are very kind – many many many thanks!
Confusion is part of the disease. One doctor told us to fight it; another said to ignore it. At that point, Mom and I agreed to set aside the painful emotions of it and deal with the facts of the disease. In some ways, that decision made it easier for us to deal with those things that were more important and urgent. But, yes, very frustrating…so hard…so draining…it yanks the chain…
Try to rest and eat well. There really isn’t much you can do for Anthony (aside from happy hour, phone calls, hugs and kisses, etc.), but you can take care of yourself. Build in your breaks.
Why don’t you come on over and we can have a good cry, strong tea, and a funny movie?
I’m projecting BIG Texas love across the waves…
It’s only recently that the confusion has become distressing for him. So hard isn’t it. Thank you for your thoughts and I would love to drop in for a funny movie etc. hehe!
Catch a dingy to Galveston. I’ll meet you there. 🙂 ….some day…
Haha!
My heart goes out to you both.
I must figure out how to get at least some joy back for him – argh!
I’m glad that your Godzilla mode is persisting!
It’s been nearly 5 days now and I am loving it!
It’s so difficult to know what to do or say at those awful times. Our mother sometimes cries terrified that someone has taken her kids away. We were placed in a children’s home for a short time. I hate when that fear and those memories haunt her.
If you do figure out how to get some joy back for Ants please share it with us. I tried music with my mum, but it just made her cry.
(((hugs)))
Yes, we are obviously entering a new phase similar to the one you describe with your mother.
Sending a (((O))) and a X.
It is all I have.
I wish it were more.
~Lynda
You are such a great buddy!
What a relentless disease it is. All you can do is be patient and answer the same questions over, soothing him.
Sending Big Cyber Hugs to you Julie,……. xox.
I can only imagine how distressing this situation and confusion is.
Is there anything the Dr can do in terms of a mild sedative to ‘soften’ that distress & confusion Anthony is feeling right now?
(Not that I like drugs, but maybe it’s coming up to the time of a wee bit of ‘calming’ via the drug route).
Perhaps even a dried Lavender ‘pillow’ under his normal bed pillow, OR ‘chamomile & lavender heat pad’ for him to lie on or warm his feet on. This type of essential oil OR herb pillow might go towards softening the anxiety Anthony feels. Don’t forget 2-3 drops of Bach Rescue Remedy on the tongue (or wrists) can sometimes alay anxiety & distress. (says me who always forgets these simple home remedies and is a trained Aromatherapist).
I am ring dr first thing tomorrow because today was even worse but in a different way – argh! Thanks Victoria.
A little angry I would be a lot angry…………………..
That’s one of the difficulties of pain, emotional pain, that I have found. The memories have a tendency to keep coming back.
I’d be angry too 😦