jmgoyder

wings and things

Refrain

on April 18, 2013

I am so sick of saying the same thing over and over and over and over and over again.

Today, when I got Anthony home for the afternoon, he asked, for the millionth time if he could stay the night. And for the millionth time, I reminded him that he was in the high care section of the nursing lodge and needed two people to lift him etc.

He looked at me, his eyes hard, and said, “So now I know you don’t care about me anymore.”

It was too much for me to bear and I lost my temper, interrupting this regular refrain with a few minutes of hysterical rage which woke us both up and, thankfully, ended in a mutually apologetic hug.

Then the wheelchair taxi arrived to take Ants home.

Refrain.


30 responses to “Refrain

  1. I have found that we are expected to bear the pressure whether we really can or not–my heart goes out to you ((((hugs))))

  2. tersiaburger says:

    Oh Julie!! My heart bleeds for you!

  3. fgassette says:

    I stand in prayer that your will receive strength and comfort to carry on. I have never been in your position, all I can do is pray. I sincerely hope this helps you to know I care.

    BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!

  4. victoriaaphotography says:

    It must be so hard to be patient (despite your nursing training) – thank goodness, you can let off a bit of steam, apologise and make up.
    Methinks you might be starting to need more self pampering. It’s a difficult life you’re leading at the moment, especially since you’ve just come home from your Mother’s home after settling her in from her bout in hospital.
    Be kind to yourself. You need it.
    Big cyber hugs. Vicki xo

  5. Julie–also sending you a hug!

  6. Big bear hug! Keep writing, keep breathing and keep in mind that you have a gaggle of concerned and devoted listeners who are here for you.:)xoxo

  7. It has to be so stressful emotionally….especially when love is such a factor…Diane

  8. viveka says:

    Julie, it’s okay to be angry … and I’m glad the hug happen. Please, don’t feel guilty now .. for that little outbreak .. things are okay and so is Ant. He are just like child in his mentality because of his illness.

  9. Robyn Lee says:

    So hard — i’m sorry Julie 😦 xo

  10. my heart aches for you both. if only he could have a moment of clarity and let you know he understands. parkinson’s is such a despicable foe and you are battling bravely. i hope you are seeking out support wherever you can. if i were there …… but my thoughts are and my love and hugs reach across this vast space to you.

  11. criticalreviewer says:

    Much love your way. Hugs!

  12. terry1954 says:

    that had to be a hard time for you both

  13. lucewriter says:

    Ugh, I’m so sorry!

  14. You say whatever you want in any moment you want to, the words may sound the same to you but the moment of that emotion is happening. You have a house full of cyber friends here who love you and are here for you, to say or be however you are. I’ve read lots of comments to you from others in the past and feel this to be accurate (although I don’t like speaking for others). There’s nothing easy about any of this, except perhaps those moments of gifts when the reprieve presents, like having that million $ cuppa. Love to you Julie, Paulette

  15. tootlepedal says:

    A very understandable reaction. You are lacking immediate empathy and I hope that the electronic wishes that arrive each day give you some support and comfort.

  16. I remember going through this with my mother in law whenever she visited us. She even offered to sleep on the couch! It was most heart-breaking taking her back to the retirement home each time. I understand how you feel Julie, and why sometimes it is just too much to bear.

  17. I admire your strength and courage. And Ants.

  18. Has anyone at the nursing lodge suggested what you should say in this situation? Maybe a doctor can come up with a new way to handle things. Anthony can’t be the only patient that has ever done that and it’s hard on the family.

  19. I don’t know how you do it, it must be so heartbreaking and so stressful when he asks and you have to say no even knowing that part of the reason he asks is because he forgets why he can’t go home wouldn’t make it any easier…….

  20. such an emotional roller coaster Julie 😦

  21. adinparadise says:

    How difficult it must be for you to keep your cool, Julie. Glad it ended in a hug. 🙂

  22. FlaHam says:

    Julie,

    You constantly amaze me, you manage the ongoing battles of Ants disease with style and grace. Then compound it with a level of honesty that few can muster. To love and be loved like that is such a beautiful thing. I don’t know how much time you and Ants had together before his disease really impacted you’ll, but I know it was filled with unparelled love. Take care, Bill

  23. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    You say so much in so few words, Julie. So much. I wish you a hug.

  24. Kozo says:

    It ended in a {{{hug}}}, Julie. That is all that matters. Anthony asking those questions just proves how much he loves you and wants to be with you. {{{hugs]}} Kozo

  25. That must be terribly difficult as I know you have been having this argument with him for a very long time. I’m not sure how I would handle that, myself.

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