wings and things


on September 24, 2014

Yes, I realize that the notion of closure is a tricky one but for me it happened when I wrote, published, then subsequently deleted, a post about the car accident, a few days ago. For the very last time.

The self-pitying self-indulgence of that post sickened and embarrassed me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, that I would mourn what-might-have-been (death, disability) when it soon became apparent that everyone would be okay. Secondly, that I know people now who have lost their children to death, so why the hell am I complaining?

Instead of rejoicing, I kept picking at the scabs of my confusion, family wrangles, guilt and blame, dead-end conversations with Ming.

It is now an incredible relief to be able to say that the accident is over and done with. Of course, I can only speak for myself, but, no matter how selfish this sounds, I am over it!

The best thing about closure is the anticipation of the next chapter….

29 responses to “Closure

  1. Hooray! Ithink that you were maybe expressing a bit of post traumatic stress and with time it has finally worked itself out, but I am pretty sure that wriing about it did help ease you out of it. Here is to the next chapter!

  2. Your family went through a very difficult time. Glad all well and the next chapter awaits!

  3. I had a couple of ‘near’ accidents with the children when they were small. One was my daughter falling down the spiral stair-case. Thankfully, she survived 100% intact. The second was backing over the pusher (stroller) that seconds before my youngest son had been in. Twenty-four years later and I STILL get flashbacks to those two events with thoughts going through my mind as to what it would have been like if the horrible thing had actually happened, which it didn’t.
    I understand completely where you are coming from, and do not think you are self-indulgent at all, but rather what you occasionally still think of is a natural reaction to the trauma that you went through.

  4. Closure is a wonderful thing.

  5. It’s a light-bulb moment… that gave ‘you’ closure even though others reading didn’t feel like you did …….. Diane

  6. Terry says:

    I am glad you came to this point. Everyone was covered by God, and although there was healing that took place, no lives were lost and I think Ming probably will never forget it, therefore his driving will always be top notch!!! Hugs my dear friend

  7. Judy says:

    I’ve had PSTD in my life. You and I are similar – we are a bit hard on ourselves. One thing I’m trying to do in my life is to “banish the judge.” I don’t consider myself judgmental or harsh toward other people, but boy am I that way with myself.
    Honestly, Julie, it’s best not to judge your feelings – allowing them is healthy. They are not right or wrong. Good for you for expressing your true feelings. Of course, after that you went back to the place of “I shouldn’t feel this way – I’m not grateful – blah, blah, blah.”
    Of course, you were grateful. But push down feelings because of judgement is suppression and doesn’t allow you to move on. It sounds like you achieved a release by what you wrote and you are feeling much better since then.
    But please, don’t judge yourself. You are a wonderful woman and entitled to every feeling you have. Every single one.
    It’s great that you can write about treasuring every moment now as Anthony continues to decline. However, there are also times when it’s horrible and it’s okay to acknowledge this awful disease that is taking him away from you – even though he’s still here physically.

  8. susanpoozan says:

    You are so thoughtful, I admire your take on life.

  9. janeslog says:

    Going over the past will not change anything. You can try and learn from it but not change it.

  10. ksbeth says:

    maybe it was worth writing in order for you to come to this wonderful place of moving forward. bravo, jules.

  11. Julie, I’m glad you’re letting it go… ❤
    Blessings to you, Ming and all the kids who were involved.
    Diana xo

  12. It makes sense to me that you had to work through all of that. It was very traumatic, and though the blessing lies in everyone healing from it, it doesn’t lessen the impact of fear and confusion and suffering that was lived through. Kudos to you for your honesty in it’s impact and your ability to look at it from many different sides.

  13. Tiny says:

    Happy for you that you have reached closure.

  14. Judith Post says:

    Moving on is a wonderful freedom. Enjoy!

  15. Bravo!! good for you and i hope that you have truly found peace of heart where this event is concerned. closure may be elusive but when it really arrives the relief is palpable.

    strange that i must have been online when you posted this and when i clicked on it, it was gone.

    it does make me sad to read how you are so hard on yourself. anyone would have had the same reaction you did. it would have been overwhelming for any one of us. i hope you don’t get angry with me for saying this but there are times i just want to hug you and tell you not to be so hard on the woman i have come to care so deeply for, the woman i have great respect for and the woman i admire.

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