I had a leisurely afternoon with Anthony, watching two episodes of Borgen (the Danish political television series), which he enjoys me enjoying. He was cold as usual, so I did what has become a bit of a winter ritual now: rug on knees, foot rub, heat bag on hands, eyebrow grooming (another story!) Oh yes and I put the heater on.
Being cold has become a constant theme in our conversations:
Me: Are you warm enough?
Ants: No!
Me: Do you want a blanket on your knees?
Ants: Good idea. But can you light the fire?
Me: Good idea.
I reach up to turn the air conditioner on and heat gradually fills the room but it’s invisible heat; he wants to see the fire burning – real logs, real sparks, a real fireplace, our living room, his worn armchair. He doesn’t realise that I am missing all of this too. Ming and I haven’t lit a fire in the living room fire-place since Ants moved into the nursing home.
Halfway through a particularly interesting scene in Borgen, Anthony rummages around inside his knee rug and finds a hand which he gives to me as proof that he is freezing. Bloody hell – he IS freezing!
So I take this 2-kilo heat pack, that a lovely friend gave us ages ago, and heat it up in the microwave of the adjacent kitchen and bring it back.
As soon as Anthony sees my irritated face, he begins to smile. I thrust the heat bag into his lap and put his hands underneath it.
Ants: This is too heavy.
Me: Don’t be such a wimp!
Ants: Jules, please.
Me: Argh – okay, here is the heat bag and here are your hands on top of it! Can we get back to the show?
Ants: Could you just put the cold onto the icebox heater?
Me: What?
Ants: There’s a blister on the floor, a cow.
Me: You’re hallucinating, Ants, you know that don’t you?
Ants: Only if you’re here.
Me: I love you.
Ants: (watching the news channel on TV)
Me: I said ‘I love you’ – aren’t you going to say it back?
I am about to leave, but I rush back into his room and frighten the hell out of him by pretending to leap onto his lap the way Ming did when he was little.
Ants: I love you!
Me: Are you warm enough?
Ants: Yes!
I get home and contemplate lighting a fire in the fireplace but, instead, put a jumper on.
jmgoyder 
sometimes my heart aches for you……….
You are so kind but really I am okay! I am figuring it all out day by day. Thank you so much!
On these chilly mornings when Spring is here and it warms up through the day, I get so cold. I can’t imagine the cold Ants feels when it is an all day thing. It actually makes my bones hurt. I wonder if he complains of his bones hurting also
Why does he get so cold Julie? I love how you love him, and he, you. ❤
Diana xo
It seems like the best blanket here is love. The chill scares me, too. You have your “old flame” – Anthony and you both are a great “match.” Dementia is “wick”ed as it “waxes” and wanes. But you still have the “hots” for each other. I feel silly even making this puns because the whole process is so tough. I don’t want to be an “ash!” Sorry. 😦
We bought our daughter a heater for her room that looks like a cast iron stove with small logs that glow red, it throws out a nice amount of heat and looks relatively real, not cheap or cheesy, maybe Anthony would enjoy having a “fire” for his room. If I remember correctly it wasn’t too expensive. Just a thought Hugs Jules. 😀
Life can be so hard sometimes, you are very courageous.
I love the bits and pieces we get of your conversations with Anthony.
Everyone hates the cold. You should get him a pair of the Australian/New Zealand fingerless merino wool gloves. They make a difference and will allow him to use his fingers as well. I never venture out in the winter with mine when I will need to use my fingers and full finger gloves are not so good.
Are you enjoying Borgen? We watched it all.
Ohh, Julie …. why didn’t you lite that fire place up … I think that is what you need and I think Ant would have liked you to do so.
I love your relationship Julie.
Beautiful and heart warming.
I like these snippets of conversation you share with us
The cold is making itself felt here as well… damn the winter…
Thinking of you Julie……………..Diane
You two are priceless!
This is going to seem like a really silly suggestion but could you link your laptop to the tv then find a youtube video of a log fire burning and fake it? I have seen vlogs where they have the flat screen tvs on the wall playing that type of footage so I just wondered if there was a way to fake it for you guys as well. Something a little like this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDfjXj5EGqI
light a fire … there is nothing nicer … I love it when it’s cold, makes the world a cosier place
The question is, are YOU warm enough?
I’m a really good fire-lighter; I’m sending a virtual blaze your way, to warm your winter. (Sometimes a person just gets too tired to start her own fire).