jmgoyder

wings and things

Editing out the anger

on January 4, 2016

I went back to yesterday’s post and edited out the anger by admitting to it. It doesn’t even feel like anger anymore; it feels more like terror. The power of suggestion I guess, phone-calls from various family members worried that Ants was near death; the idea insinuating itself into my psyche, drippling in – rusty tears from a leaking tap.

“He is fine!” said over and over and over again until my own voice has become the echo of Anthony’s whisper.

As I was leaving the nursing home the other afternoon, I had a brief conversation with a nurse:

Me: He’s really out of it today!
Nurse: Yes, he’s been sleeping a lot.
Me: Do you think … is he going to die soon?
Nurse: No, he’s just getting older.
Me: I get a bit scared sometimes.

Editing out the anger, facing the terror of losing him, then getting back to the normality of sitting next to him, my hand on his shoulder, watching television, waiting for him to wake up and smile at me.


31 responses to “Editing out the anger

  1. Jules, how stressful! ❤
    Diana xo

  2. Val Boyko says:

    Looking behind anger is always fear. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself Julie… And others who are expressing their fear in a different way.
    Sending you a ((hug)) xoxo

  3. Luanne says:

    Hugs from Arizona, Julie!

  4. Tiny says:

    Hugs from Florida too ❤

  5. Judy says:

    Being able to express your feelings – whether anger or fear, is really brave, Julie. It’s best not to judge whether it’s better to have one or the other. Feelings can swing all over the place. You are dealing with something that has been going on for years now. Anthony could die at any time. This really is a life crisis – You are living with a ticking timebomb. I really feel for you and wish I could hug you.

    • jmgoyder says:

      The long-windedness of this life crisis is exhausting and, as you have explained to me before, the anticipatory grief is sometimes unbearable. Thanks so much for your support Judy – it’s been a tough couple of weeks. xxx

  6. Anger is a natural part of grief, and when you have someone ill there is grieving for how they used to be. That is how it was when my mother was ill. But because I had no control over her illness (and that is what was really making me angry) I would become angry at other things. it was almost like a distraction, focussing on other things to be angry about rather than the illness which I was struggling to cope with.

  7. susanpoozan says:

    Facing up to your terror is the bravest and best thing to do, well done.

  8. ksbeth says:

    all feelings are equally valid. let them come and go as they please. big hug from all the way across the world.

  9. paulaacton says:

    This post made me think of the serenity prayer you know the one,

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    None of us can change the fact we all will die and ~I am very much reminded of that today, as this time last year my gran was taken into hospital for the last time and I could not go see her as my body decided to pick the very same day to wipe me out with flu, as I recovered it seemed she would aswell so I stayed away scared I would pass the flu virus to her and make her worse, the talk was of her leaving hospital to go to a nursing home rather than back to her own home, it never happened as later in the month she passed away in the hospital where years earlier she had worked for many years as a nurse. I wasted a lot of time and energy feeling guilty about not seeing her at the end but the truth was dementia had already taken my grandma, she was barely concious in those final weeks and would have been upset to know I was dwelling on her loss rather than celebrating the fact I had had so many years with her. xxx

  10. niasunset says:

    Love and Hugs to you dear Julie, nia

  11. We don’t know why a body my die, I don’t see the point in worrying about it, it will happen when it happens, many people are surprised that my Nan is still alive at the age of 94, Anthony has good days and bad days and just so so days it is all part of life.

  12. aFrankAngle says:

    Thanks so much for commenting on my post today. To me, it was a reminder to see how everything is going for you. I selected this post because it answered my question the best. Be strong … be strong, Julie!

  13. sometimes reading your words is so difficult, i see our own life reflected in the mirror. thank you for telling your story, it helps me understand our story through this mirror.

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