Yesterday, Ants mentioned going home to ‘Bythorne’ (the name of our farm). He hasn’t done this for ages so I was a bit disconcerted. This happened just after the ordeal of getting him from the dining room back to his room (I got him up but then he couldn’t walk, even with the walker); some ablutionary care via two wonderful carers; and the finale – gently settling Ants into his armchair.
Five minutes later, this was our conversation:
Anthony: Come on, let’s go to Bythorne!
Me: What?
Anthony: I want to go home.
Me: This IS home now, Ants.
Anthony: But why? I’m fit.
Me: You have Parkinson’s disease and I can’t lift you anymore.
Anthony: But you just did.
Me: Yes, but I ended up needing the help of two carers! You’re heavy, you silly! What do you want to do – break my back?
Anthony: Why do you keep running off?
Me: Well, I have boyfriends everywhere, Ants!
Anthony: Not funny, Jules.
INTERMISSION
Me: Anthony, I have now been holding your hand for nearly three hours.
Anthony: It’s a good little hand.
Me: I have to go now and do the grocery shopping. What do you feel like tonight – chicken or steak?
Anthony: Steak.
When I leave the nursing home to come back home, I know that Anthony will (hopefully) only wait a little while for me to bring the steak back, and then he will forget. In fact, by the time I get home – minus steak – he will probably be very nearly asleep.
In many ways, this home, emptied of Anthony’s presence, has become a bit, well, empty! Without the happy/zappy presence of Ming (who is Anthony’s clone in so many ways), it would be very tempting to leave this Anthonyless place and begin again. But Ming and I love this place, love this farm, love this home.
jmgoyder 
There is such loving tenderness in your posts, Julie.
Much love to you dear one.
Thanks, Louise. I am getting quite nostalgic!
There are times you can have a sitcom with both of your back and forth zingers Jules 😀 I know it’s hard, hugs Jules xxoo
Haha!
😀
No matter what is going on in the world there is no place like home
Very true.
There is so much ahead you cannot know right now. To me, it is obvious that home is right there in your heart – you carry it with you. Your love for Anthony will never leave you. I think it’s so beautiful how you and he banter – humor is such a great salve.
The banter is wonderful!
yes, home means different things to everyone. it is truly a sacred place.
You are so right about its sacredness.
Another memorable conversation so well reported.
He was remarkable vocal today in a quiet way. I love these conversations!
Yeah I get this, the farm must often feel so lonely without Anthony there with you at least you have Ming
Luckily I don’t mind being alone as Ming is a gadabout lately!
So many memories at Bythorne Jules! ❤
Diana xo
Decades!
Thinking of you. This is one that brought tears to my eyes.
It’s okay.
This was so bittersweet. You and Anthony are so perfect together, I can see how alone can be lonely sometimes.
It’s a bit surreal sometimes.
I’m not surprised, you’re juggling so many emotions and real life with his more contained life. But you do it so well!
You would also feel his presence there. It will be hard to leave.
Yes there is a lot of nostalgia here.
no matter where you are, anthony (and ming) will be there with you, in your heart. of course it makes my insides tighten and my heart beat a bit harder to know what you are going through. i can understand his desire to be at home, it is not reasonable and if he could connect that part of his memory to the reality of what he can or more importantly can’t do now he would never ask you again.
for you to know that part of your life is over…… i know that is coming for chris and i see no way to spare him. he talks about not being able to imagine life here in our home without me. we both know it is coming and though i am relieved he is talking about it i have no answer other than he will be ok in time.
i send you big warm hugs and love my friend. you are on my mind and in my heart
I feel exactly the same about you, Sandra. If it’s any comfort to you and Chris, our nursing home experience has been good (difficult and heart-breaking but still good). I send you love too during this confusing time.