wings and things

A new idea

on January 31, 2016

Okay so my new idea is to visit Ants later in the day, like I did this afternoon. That way, I can get other stuff done (writing, picking tomatoes from my garden, having heart-to-heart conversations with Ming, researching PDD, feeding the peacocks, vacuuming the house, finding the iron etc.)

My mother visited and fed Ants his lunch today but, by the time I got there, he was in bed, propped up ready for tea and he thought my mother’s visit was yesterday. I threw myself onto the bed and hugged him, much to his amusement, and lay there beside him for a bit, kissing him ferociously on the lips quickly, until he grinned.

Maybe I should visit later in the day so that he has a good memory of seeing me before he goes to sleep. That might be a better way for me to venture forward – dunno! That way, I could deal with daily life stuff, go into town to feed Anthony his tea, then come home and chill.

Over the years, lots of people have advised me to look after me, but I don’t buy into that whole ‘me’ thing because it’s so weird; after all, a ‘me’ can’t be isolated from a ‘we’.

I think I have now resolved various issues to do with family politics and, having spoken to Anthony’s only remaining brother yesterday, we have a tenuous agreement that he will ring me before visiting. I stated the reasons, he rejected the reasons, but at least we had a dialogue. My feistiness sought refuge in a compassionate sinkhole. Futile, of course. Silly me.

But none of this matters any more – none of it. Anthony is the best person I have ever met in my life. He was my friend for over a decade before he became my husband; he was a middle-aged, bachelor dairy farmer, a workaholic, a person who liked to run in the paddocks just for the fun of running. He was loud and, like his mother, liked to party; he was crude and respectful at the same time; he was snobby and/or ‘common’ simultaneously; he was my absolute hero.

So, perhaps, when I feed him his tea tomorrow, I will remind him of these halcyon days!

37 responses to “A new idea

  1. shoreacres says:

    The best combination you mention is “common and snobby” — I know that combination. I think it’s wonderful, and worth cherishing wherever it pops up.

  2. ksbeth says:

    i’m glad you had your say with the family, even if they resist, at least you’ve said it. and by all means, yes, remind him of those days! )

  3. Colline says:

    Doing what makes you happy is good for you – people tend to forget that. You have the chance to spend time with someone you love, do so. And seeing him in the pm is giving you me time – and he seems to be happy with it too.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Thanks, Colline – I have been terribly distressed lately and almost unable to function. Your support means a lot. Jx

      • Colline says:

        Sometimes a person needs to close their ears to what others say. What you do, you do out of a huge love which maybe those commenting do not understand. If you focus on what makes you happy, you will be no matter what others think.

  4. susanpoozan says:

    Sorry to read that you have been so distressed recently and do hope having had some sort of dialogue with Anthony’s brother may help. If you are to help him you have to be as ‘whole’ as you can yourself.

  5. Rhonda says:

    Let’s hope the sinkhole dweller lives up to his agreement…you’d think he’d agree simply for the fact that you asked for goodness sakes! Selfish!! As for the ‘me’ time…I’m one of the guilty parties in reminding you to take time for yourself…and it’s for a good reason. The better you are, the better you are for Ants. That’s all 🙂 (but that’s a lot). I like your thinking on the later visiting time…sounds like your days would be productive and give you a feeling of accomplishment which could translate into more relaxed and enjoyable ‘free’ time for both of you. Ending the day with a kiss, a hug, and a smile…knowing you can go home with nothing looming can’t be a bad thing huh? xoxox

  6. Terry says:

    I can see and understand your new idea. I just want to let you know from my years of working with Ant’s illness. Mornings are the best for these type of patients. As the day goes by, they get more confused, because they are more tired. Sun downer days are the absolute worst . I am definitely not telling you what to do, so I hope you just take my comment for what you want to get out of it. Love and hugs

  7. Lynda says:

    Julie, I can’t speak for everyone, but I think the point of taking care of yourself (me time) is to have the strength you need to carry on for Ants. It certainly isn’t an all-or-none idea. Ants is your priority, and isn’t he blessed for your care, but you need some down time to recharge. Your new schedule sounds perfectly reasonable and doable. It takes care of both of your needs and Ants too! xx

  8. judyrutrider says:

    That’s how I feel about my mom (though I don’t crawl in bed with her and kiss her on the lips 🙂 She was my best friend, my confidant, the one who “sang to me an honest lullaby”. And now she’s forgetting all those things we were to each other and all the things that made her who she is. I still tell her the stories but she can’t remember what it was like to have a sense of smell, much less how we were so good at games like Password and Charades that people thought we must be cheating.
    You’re wise to protect Ants from his brother (or try to). Family members don’t always see the whole picture and forget that the disabled person is still an adult, with adult emotions, and are deserving of the same respect as when they were whole.

  9. I love this post Julie and how you continuously share your journey and the little gems you learn along the way. Hugs. ❤
    Diana xo

  10. Judy says:

    Julie, I have found that pacing myself helps a lot with feeling overwhelmed. My heart is with you.

  11. tootlepedal says:

    Vacuuming? Finding the iron? Are you well?

  12. I love the way you describe your relationship with Anthony, but when you said find the iron, it made me think of Jessica who doesn’t own an iron and says she doesn’t know how to iron, she does have a vacuum but for many years she would say she didn’t know how to vacuum

  13. What a wonderful love you have…not many of us get that, not many that I know anyway. Looking after yourself is exactly what you Are doing by being with him – for you as much as for him xx

  14. I am always heartened by your love story.

  15. Glad to catch up on the saga.

  16. Judith Post says:

    I love the image of Anthony running and laughing, just for the sake of doing both. Not often a person experiences such unfettered joy, but that’s the way I picture him, thanks to you.

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