Me: Why did you un-grip my hand from yours just before you died?
Anthony: You were hurting my hand.
Me: I was worried!
Anthony: I know.
Me: Actually I was terrified.
Anthony: Well I wasn’t, so don’t worry about that.
Me: That’s when I left your room to talk to Ming about what to do if you died in the night. Like, whether to ring him straight away, or what.
Anthony: Oh I didn’t know that.
Me: The doctor said it could be hours or days – did you know that?
Anthony: No, because you were all whispering, whispering, whispering….
Me: Oh, sorry, Ants. I just didn’t want you to hear that you might be dying and get scared.
Anthony: I wasn’t scared, just bloody uncomfortable. And Jules?
Me: What?
Anthony: It was easier to die with you out of the room.
Me: I thought that was one of those myths.
Anthony: I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
Me: No, it wasn’t that – it was just the shock. I was all ready to spend another night in the nursing home with you so I could get my head around you dying. I even had a DVD to watch. I felt – feel – so cheated somehow.
Anthony: Aha – gotcha!
Me: So you tricked me?
Anthony: Yep.
Me: But why?
Anthony: I didn’t want you to see me take my last gurgling breath; it was a bit embarrassing. And I didn’t want you crying all over me.
Me: But I did cry all over you!
Anthony: Oh. Sorry. I was long gone by then.
Me: What do you mean ‘long gone’? We were only out of your room for a few minutes!
Anthony: Time just seems different now.
Me: I just want my hand back in yours.
Anthony: Well you could have arranged to have it cut off and mummified, I suppose.
Me: Argh!
Anthony: You worry too much, Jules.
Me: I’m so tired from grieving.
Anthony: Well, I was a magnificent specimen of a man so it’s no wonder.
Me: Thanks for the laugh, Ants.
Anthony: You gotta laugh, Jules. Anyway, how’s your mother? Is she still making those blanketty things?
Me: Yes, but probably not as enthusiastically as she was when she was sitting with you.
Anthony: Good on her. She’s a good soul.
Me: ‘Soul’? Since when do you use words like ‘soul’?
Anthony: Since I died.
jmgoyder 
Now you are rocking and rolling Jules, I truly believe these chats with the big man, ask hi if he wants a shave today ? I know his answer.
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Haha – you know him well Lois!
This is pure delight.
I am really enjoying these.
Ah Julie…..I am so eagerly traveling this journey with you. I think Anthony would be, is, so proud of you and your love.
You are such a fantastic support Colleen – thank you!
You’re very welcome.
I agree – this is pure delight to read! I know there are many tears that went into this post but you truly captured your love in this post. Hugs and tons of love my friend
I probably won’t be able to write too many more of these. I’m not sure! Thanks Tersia xxx
Wonderful conversation
I’m getting the hang of it now I think!
Ouch.
Grief is everchanging but one consistent thing about it: is it always remains. The greater the love, the greater the loss. I wish I could say what to expect but it is predictably unpredictable. Too many facets of this pain. Remembering your love with sweet dialogue ….his rascally ways, wonderful wit, and endearing character ….an ever present soul. His spirit is alive as you have so lovingly captured in conversation….then and now. God bless you. Hugs, dear friend.
Thanks for your wisdom here. You are so right about the unpredictability of how grief expresses itself. You know this so well xxx
It feels real. Right down to the unexpected chuckle through the tears!
These are magnificent, Julie.
Thanks Ann!