Anthony: Stop censoring yourself, Jules. You can say anything you want!
Me: That’s kind of Ming’s philosophy too. I’ll be agonising about a simple decision and he always says, “MUM! DO WHAT YOU WANT!”
Anthony: He’s right, that boy of mine.
Me: He’s pragmatic, assertive, hilarious and LOUD, just like you. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you – he’s wearing your Omega watch now. He was never interested before but now that you are dead, it appeals to him more.
Anthony: Ah yes, 1970. That was a good year.
Me: On the back of the watch it says, “Anthony Barr Goyder 1970.” I know I was 11 at the time and living in Canada so you would have been 34. Why did you buy yourself the watch? I know, when I met you, you wore it often, and with some pride, but I never asked you about it. Why didn’t I?
Anthony: Because you weren’t interested.
Me: Sorry.
Anthony: Does it fit Ming’s wrist?
Me: It’s a tiny bit loose but wearable and I am trying not to show too much excitement about him wearing your watch in case my sentimentality puts him off.
Anthony: He adores you, Jules.
Me: He brings me back into focus always. He always knows when something is off with me and tells me that my eyes have gone dark – weird.
Anthony: You are a bit weird lately, Jules.
Me: It’s just that August is approaching, which will make it a year since you died and my sense of grief is so unpredictable. I just want it to go away; I want the grief to go away because it’s in the way. No offence, Ants.
Anthony: None taken. The thing is, Jules, the grief won’t go away.
Me: But why?
Anthony: It’s part of who you are now, apparently. Your dad gave me a cheat sheet at a recent grief counselling session so that’s how I know this.
Me: So, you guys, the dead, grieve for us, the living? No way – that is impossible!
Anthony: I kid you not, kid.
Me: Oh Ants, these imagined conversations with you have become so much fun for me, as well as poignant etc. Often, I can hear memories of your sarcastic, funny voice and your straight-up response to my dramatics. Thank you for all of these amazing memories of our real conversations; thank you for being so devoted to me when you were alive; and thank you for these incredible imagined responses from you.
Anthony: You forgot to mention my beautiful body.
Me: I cannot believe I let you say that, Ants; shut up!
Anthony: As you wish.
jmgoyder 
You be sentimental, it’s your right.
He knows you well. ❤
Such beauty and love in all these conversations Jules. And so much healing. ❤ You know yourself well too.
I am getting there, Louise, wherever ‘there’ is and am so grateful for your support and understanding my blog-reading laziness haha
You’re having a new relationship with him and it’s fantastic. I love these conversations! It’s like rediscovering your love all over again.
Yes, it’s quite surreal, Judy x