jmgoyder

wings and things

Nov 7

“The Gift of Alzheimer’s”

by jmgoyder

This is the title of a book I am reading, written by Maggie La Tourelle. Maggie tells the story of the journey she and her mother share in which her mother’s Alzheimer’s actually enhances their relationship.

What I really like about this book is the way it de-tragifies dementia; gives fantastic examples of dialogues between kin; and even explores the spiritual possibilities beyond death.

Maggie’s conversations with her mother remind me so much of my conversations with Anthony that it has made me quite emotional (especially at 3am!) Their story is unlike ours in many ways but there are some fascinating parallels.

http://maggielatourelle.com

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Nov 5

It’s time for an inspection!

by jmgoyder

Yikes! Dina is coming out to the farm tomorrow to pick me up for lunch at a brewery not far from here. This means she will spot any residues of chaos in the house and Ming’s shed.

Okay, just to refresh your memory, Dina is the wonderful woman who helped us to declutter and reorganise the house and sheds. Her business is https://www.chaostoclear.com.au

So I have around 25 hours to hide do my pile of paperwork, and Ming (who isn’t home yet from gallivanting down south) has even less time to make his shed presentable.

A few weeks ago, Dina, a mutual friend and I went out for lunch, and they picked me up. I wasn’t sure if they’d come into the house or not so, in the hour before they arrived, I went into a neat-and-tidy frenzy. Well they didn’t come in so that was a bit of an anti-climax and, during lunch, I told them and Dina laughed.

But tomorrow is different. Tomorrow, as part of her service, Dina will be conducting a follow-up inspection at my request.

Now don’t get me wrong; Dina is the kindest, most uncritical decluttering expert I know (well I don’t know any others) and I am not a slob (mostly). But she is also very frank and I am a bit disorganised. This makes for a beautiful friendship but OMG I only have 24 hours left!

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Yikes!

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Nov 4

Nonsense

by jmgoyder

Whenever Anthony says something during our afternoons together, I either hit ‘mute’ on the television, or ‘pause’ if it’s a dvd.

This is so that I can listen and respond to whatever he is saying, or trying to say. His voice has become very whispery and sometimes croaky lately and, even when he does get the words out, they sometimes
don’t
make
sense….

The following dialogue is an example of how weird and wonderful our conversations can be. I am learning how to be unafraid of nonsense, to enter its world in an Alice-in-Wonderland kind of way, to talk, listen, laugh and pause.

Anthony: How did you know where to find me?

Me: Instinct.

Anthony: You have good instincts.

Me: I know.

PAUSE

Anthony: Can you get this calf to get out of underneath the….

Me: What?

Anthony: This bbbb mmmm toothpaste.

Me: What? Try again.

Anthony: The cat toothpaste.

Me: The toothpaste is free, Ants, and there’s no cat here. Anyway I thought you hated cats.

Anthony: There are five.

Me: You’re hallucinating but I’ll shoo them away, anyway; is that better?

Anthony: Not much.

PAUSE

Me: So, do you think I look different today?

Anthony: No.

Me: Ants, I am wearing a dress for God’s sake. I never wear dresses!

Anthony: Oh.

Me: So what is different about me?

Anthony: Your legs are shorter.

Me: Oh.

Anthony: Is Mum okay?

Me: My mum or your mum?

Anthony: Ours.

Me: She’s fine.

Anthony: Where’s Ming?

Me: He’s at work but he’s coming to visit soon.

Anthony: Does he know I’m at the Rose Hotel?

Me: I’ll tell him.

Anthony: Where is your mother?

Me: Why do you always want to know where my mother is?

Anthony: Well she should be here and I’m worried about her eyes.

Me: Can we just watch the show, Ants?

Anthony: Haven’t we seen this, Jules?

Me: Well it’s a series, so yes and no. We are now up to the third season.

Anthony: Can you bumblebee the cardboard over there?

Me: What?

Anthony: Can you mmmbrrr oh my words don’t. What’s the thing wrong again, Jules?

Me: Ants, you have Parkinson’s, plus you are really quite old. And you have very strange ears.

Anthony: I have perfect ears!

PAUSE

Anthony: You have a sexy stomach.

Me: WHAT? Stop looking at my stomach – I ate too much lunch!

Anthony: Look at mine – I’m thin.

Me: Well there’s no need to rub it in.

PAUSE

Anthony: There’s that baby again.

Me: It’s not a baby; it’s my handbag! See!

Anthony: I think we should go to Golden Valley [his childhood home].

Me: Not today. It’s too cold.

PAUSE

Anthony: Jules?

Me: Yes?

Anthony: Bbbb mmmm – oh I can’t speak.

Me: Do you want the rug on your knees?

Anthony: That’s the elbow, good.

PAUSE

Me: You’re adorable and I love you.

Anthony: Mmm.

Me: You’re supposed to say it back.

Anthony: What?

Me: ‘I love you’.

Anthony: I know you do.

Me: No, I mean you’re supposed to say ‘I love you’ back to me!

Anthony: You already do.

PAUSE

Me: I’ll show you a picture of Ming dressed up as a nurse for Halloween, okay? You are going to be shocked.

Anthony: Nothing shocks me.

Me: Okay, check this out!

20151031_120208

Anthony: He is magnificent!

I rest my case: nonsense is a good thing!

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Nov 3

Special K

by jmgoyder

‘Special K’ is the nickname I have chosen to give my 13-year-old, 6’2″ nephew, not just for the sake of his privacy, but also because he is especially special.

This is a difficult post to write but here goes: Special K was one of the five children injured in a car accident in which Ming was the driver … a bit over two years ago.

Special K was the only one thrown out of Ming’s ute, his leg was broken badly, and he was subsequently emergency-helicoptered to Perth with his father (my youngest brother). And yet this brave and beautiful boy, instead of screaming, helped everyone to calm down. I don’t know how he did this because I wasn’t there; I was at the other end of a suddenly-silent telephone call in which Ming said, “Mum, I’ve had an accident.”

Fast forward to now and all of the children have recovered physically except for Special K who needs an operation to remove the plate from his leg. He might even need another smaller plate inserted; I don’t know.

Ming and I were talking about life and death yesterday and he admitted that he thinks about the accident every single day.

Me: But you were so philosophical at the time, Ming! You kept reminding me that nobody died!

Ming: You were a mess, Mum.

I think the fact that Special K has to have an operation on his injured leg has thrown me back to that dreadful night and reminded me of how resilience works. IMG_0240

As you can see from the photo, Special K is almost as gorgeous as our brand new 007!

[This post is for you, Jo – mother of all mothers!]

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Nov 2

Another day with Anthony

by jmgoyder

After the fright of the other day when Ants was unconscious for so many hours (much longer than usual), I now realise that my being there every day is important. (Confession: I have been taking ‘days off’ here and there recently).

The first interesting thing about this is that, according to staff, relatives, and visitors, if I am not there, Anthony asks for me and is sometimes fretful.

The second interesting thing about this is the whole time warp thing: i.e. I rush in to see Ants on my way to getting the car serviced, seeing whether we have won lotto, buying chick starter etc. so it’s a very brief visit. And he always knows that I will be back soon, even when I don’t come back that day/night. Five minutes can equate to-and-fro with five hours – or vice versa.

The third interesting thing about this is Anthony’s daily mention of Ming. He never does this in a needy way; he is just always very curious and loves seeing photos of Ming, including Ming’s latest Halloween antics/costume at the restaurant where he works. These photos (as well as the photos of Ming on the walls of Anthony’s nursing home room) are always a buzz – “There he is!” Anthony will sometimes say.

When I told Ming about the frightening day, I cried because I was scared that we might lose Anthony suddenly (which, of course, we will). In telling Ming about my day with Anthony, I realised, and saw, how alike they are: generous, sensitive, gregarious, easy-going, beautiful.

Another day with Anthony…
… enhanced by the fact of Ming.

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Nov 1

Turning corners

by jmgoyder

Corners on King (https://www.facebook.com/cornersonking/?fref=ts) is the restaurant where Ming has worked for just over a year now. It is run by a couple of guys who have very good taste in terms of decor, food, AND picking staff who are willing to dress up for Halloween.

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Yes, that is Ming on the left in the above photo. I was feeling a bit blah yesterday morning but, when I switched on my newly-switched-on computer, and the internet rushed into my laptop, this photo was the first I saw.

Okay so it took me a few seconds to realise that it was Ming! Other photos followed and I was so overtaken by laughter that the whole blah thing disappeared. I got showered and dressed and drove into town for lunch with this beautiful nurse.

Once I figure out how to save the photos I took of Ming in his nurse’s outfit, as he and I lunched together during his break, I will post them. It was the most glorious hour of halloween hilarity.

And then I went to the nursing home to see Anthony. I arrived at 1pm and left at about 4.30pm. For these hours I was unable to wake him up no matter how much I shook his shoulders, squeezed his hands, shouted (as quietly as I could) ‘Wake up, Ants!’ His nephew visited, a friend visited, the nurse-in-charge came in and checked his blood pressure etc. and reassured me that all was well. I visited the dementia wing a couple of times, showed several staff and residents the photos of Ming, laughed and joked, in the hope that when I returned to Anthony’s room he would be awake. He wasn’t.

The possibility that Anthony might die during – or soon after – one of these TIAs (which seem to be occurring more often), is a corner I have been hesitant to turn into. I was calm yesterday afternoon, then terrified, then resigned. When I got home, Ming was here, and listened to my tearful fears in the same way I listen to his; after all, we both love Anthony.

It is entirely possible that Anthony will live for many more years; it is equally possible that he will die soon. I am not ready for the latter, despite many attempts to BE ready, and I cannot imagine my life without Anthony in it. His room in the nursing home, the staff who have become such wonderful friends, my arm around his shoulder, our long afternoons watching television, bantering, just being together, sometimes reminiscing, sometimes eating and drinking, laughing, looking at photos, doing paperwork, engaging with staff, residents, friends, relatives, visitors … his room has become my refuge, my home.

Ah, but I do have another home – a place where I can eat, drink, write, relax. I can be one of those trendy people who drink short blacks whilst writing articles about the meaning of life and death OR the proud mother of the waiter at Corners on King.

Corners on King (https://www.facebook.com/cornersonking/?fref=ts) is the restaurant where Ming has worked for just over a year now. It is run by a couple of guys who have very good taste in terms of decor, food, AND picking staff who are willing to dress up for Halloween.

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Oct 30

“Handsome man!”

by jmgoyder

One of the staff at the nursing home always makes a point of greeting Anthony with “Handsome man!” Her wide, glorious smile almost always elicits his own smile and today that was the case.

The simplicity and constancy of this gesture is extremely comforting for me too, because I know she, and so many other staff, care about him. Genuinely.

A recent conversation:

Anthony: They love you. They always ask for you – they say, ‘Where is Julie? Where is your wife?’

Me: No, it’s you they love, not me, silly!

Anthony: No, it’s you! They always want a Julie in the room.

This afternoon, Anthony was extremely lucid until around 4.30pm when he kept ‘seeing’ me on his right hand side, when I was on the left, and vice versa.

Anthony: Where is Julie?

Me: You mean me?

Anthony: Oh there you are!

And that was when she came back – this beautiful staff member – and said those magic words:

Handsome man!

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Oct 29

This, that….

by jmgoyder

20150927_143929This,
that….

Well I got back from Perth last week and the first thing I did was to rush to my new beaut vegetable garden and also check the chooks. I fed and watered both with a sense of quiet glee.

The second thing I did was to go inside and log on. When nothing happened I didn’t panic since all the green lights were indicating merrily that the internet wasn’t too far away.

Six hours later, having spoken to six different technical support people, all of whom were amazingly patient, kind and positive (with the exception of one woman whose sighs, when I didn’t understand her click34xcableetc instructions, became thunderous on loudspeaker) were confident.

At one point, during this ungleeful, longwinded experience, I rang Ming who said that when he got home he’d sort it out in a jiffy. Well he tried, and even spoke to other technical support people, to no avail.

The Ming then said, with great compassion and a generous hug, “Maybe you’re just not intelligent enough, Mum….?”

I let his observation linger for the ten days during which I had no internet except via my phone. When I began to get the 5s mixed us with the Ss, I gave up.

Anyway, yesterday the replacement modem arrived at the post office and Ming picked it up, brought it home, connected it and voila!

So what am I supposed to do now? I can’t possibly answer all of the zillions of emails and comments and facebooky stuff; I can’t possibly catch up on ten days of my blog friends’ blogs; I can’t even catch up with what I was going to do before I lost the internet because my blog kind of reminded me of what to do.

I survived my ten day blip of no internet, but the person most affected by my off-the-internet-radar status was my beautiful mother. Meg and I have a strong internet relationship via email and Facebook, but she is more attentive to messages than I am, so, when I lost the internet, she was the first to miss me.

And today is her birthday. She is 81, looks 61 and acts like 21. So today Meg came to the farm to see the vegetable garden then we went to a local winery for lunch. The secret surprise was that Ming and A. would join us and that was a fantastic thing!

It’s great to be blogging again. That internet blip taught me something really profound: I need the internet!

One of the hardest things for me now is having fun – the guilt of it. Lunches with friends, learning how to garden with new friends, figuring out the future, altering and/or discarding things in this old house, renewing ….

This,
that,
and the other….

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Oct 19

The suffering conundrum

by jmgoyder

I just don’t get it. Why does one person cop multiple illnesses? And why does this seem to happen to the beautiful people?

Later this week I will be travelling to Perth to meet my friend at the airport, after which we will spend two luxurious nights at a resort. During the days, I will take my friend to her medical appointments; in the evenings we will sip wine, eat pizza, and reminisce.

She was the first kid to say hello to me on the bus to school after my family moved from PNG to Australia. Since then, we have had years of little contact due to busyness, geography etc. but, more recently, have reconnected.

‘How is it possible for you to still laugh?’ I asked her on the phone tonight, to which she replied with her laugh.

My friend suffers severe eye conditions and an unhealed broken foot and yet she can still maintain laughter within her suffering. How does she do this?

I haven’t mentioned her name because she is very private but I so wish I could salute her publicly because she is amazingly philosophical and pragmatic.

And maybe she and I will make a bit of sense out of the suffering conundrum when we see each other in a couple of days. I can’t wait!

IMG_4888

Sorry about that image. Prince always seems to want to give me the back view. Here is a better view.

IMG_4897

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Oct 17

Full of Beans 2

by jmgoyder

Well, I am so delighted that I am almost speechless. In a mere 24 hours ….

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I have to admit that I found myself a bit shy of the tall, red-haired man who performed a bit of a miracle so energetically. I came in and out of the house, met his lovely wife and youngest (part of his team), made them a cup of tea but not much else.

Now it will be up to me.

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