Yesterday and today, despite visits from many friends and family, it was just Anthony and me. Yesterday his eyes got wet when I had to leave, and today his eyes went blank when I had to leave because he didn’t understand why I had to come home and leave him at the nursing lodge.
I wish I could laugh it away.
I only have one white peacock (named Prince) and two white peahens. Prince’s tail feathers are fully grown now. I will try to get a photo of him doing the fantail thing soon.
My young human prince (son, Ming) has rediscovered his princely ways. Obviously a lot of his recent angst was to do with having unwittingly fractured some of the titanium in his spine post scoliosis surgery, and having to quit milking cows, and feeling emasculated by not being able to ever lift anything heavy. We have now seen the surgeon again and Ming is scheduled for revision surgery in the next couple of months. It has been a bit of a dramatic couple of weeks with tears etc. but over that now and have bought ramps and a trolley to help us lift stuff that is too heavy. Example: as we don’t get a rubbish collection, we have to take stuff to the local dump. Today it was some heavy stuff but the trolley + ramp thing worked beautifully! Such a relief.
Ming’s biggest sorrow is that he won’t be able to carry his bride over the threshold! (BTW there is no impending bride yet!)
Yesterday I was going to write about how glad I am that I started blogging back in November, 2011, because otherwise I would possibly have forgotten some of the events, details and emotions from then until now, and I don’t want to forget. But I was having a bit of a blah day so couldn’t be bothered putting the words down and decided, instead, to post the photo of the big red shed because I forgot I had already done this a few days ago. I’m surprised nobody commented on my memory lapse! And if my memory is so bad that I re-posted an already posted photo, then I am doubly glad of this blog as a memory prompter. But I still feel stupid – oh well!
Today I had numerous errands around town so I went to pick up Anthony to accompany me (as I often do now). He sits in the car with the radio on while I hop in and out, drive here and there. First though we met my mother at a coffee shop and, as usual, my ma and I had lots of conversation while Ants remained fairly silent (he doesn’t talk much now). Eventually, Anthony tried to get up out of his chair, indicating he’d had enough, so we left and, as I was putting him in the car, I asked, “How come you got sick of us?” and he said, with sudden articulateness, “Because nothing either of you said was of any interest to me.” As we drove off to the first errand, I could not stop laughing! His sense of humour is so slicingly droll.
The sun is having a hard time getting through the clouds but it is happening, this belated spring. Here are some photos to prove it (and so I don’t forget!)
Anthony has begun to behave aggressively towards some of the staff at the nursing lodge, especially one new, young nurse. I haven’t met her yet (there are so many!) but yesterday the nurse in charge told me that he had thrown a cup of water at her, and that she is nervous of him.
I already had Anthony loaded into the car and was just waiting for the head nurse to give me his meds, when she told me this, and all my enthusiasm for Fathers’ day plummeted. I asked her to apologise to the new nurse and explain that this was totally out of character.
I wasn’t going to mention it to Ants on the way home to the farm, but I couldn’t help myself. He said he couldn’t stand them, the way they told him what to do and made him go to the toilet etc. Even though he was stuttering quite badly (a worsening problem), his furious frustration filled the car. All I could think to say was to ask him to please not turn into a cantankerous old man or the staff would hate him.
I just want to be with you, he said, as we pulled into the puddled driveway.
Ming bounced out of the house, all primed to help, but that willingness didn’t last long, so that upset me too. I just don’t understand how such a compassionate young teenager could turn into such an intolerant older teenager.
So both my boys are out of character. Yesterday, I felt like I was meeting two new, rather disagreeable people, who I would not invite to lunch again.
That said, I have now told them both that it’s about time they gave me a bit of consideration and that although I love them both, I don’t particularly like them at the moment.
They are both in shock – ha!
In Spring (only three days away), our Internet will work for longer than 30 minute bursts, I will resume blogging in an organised fashion, it will stop raining, Ming’s spinal problems will begin to resolve, I will get back on my bicycle, bring Anthony home more often, eradicate (humanely) the rabbit plague on this farm, learn to play the harp, continue baking sticky date pudding, grow tomatoes, sit in the sun, be a better friend to my buddies, reconcile with my in-laws (maybe), embrace the birth of my first great niece, get our finances in order, buy some laying hens to replace the ones the fox got, learn how to use the whipper snipper, prune the ancient roses, resume writing the novella, take faultless photos of the birds, dress to kill, hug anyone who is huggable, and use strawberry moisturiser.
Until then, since our telephone wiring is so dodgy, I’ve had the landline disconnected, and am mostly reliant on my Ipad for Internet. I’m not fast with this IPad yet, so have decided not to even try to keep up with blogs, Facebook etc. We are trialling a new modem thingy.
Tomorrow we see the spinal surgeon again to see what can be done to fix Ming’s injury to the titanium. Anthony wanted to come with us, so today I had to explain why this would be impossible with a 5 hour round trip. He doesn’t accept how difficult he is to lift.
To end this higgledy post, I’ve had my first harp lesson! See you in Spring.
Sometimes I think that self-pity is necessary, maybe even vital, before taking the next adventurous step into a new page, whatever that page is.
When I told Anthony that Ming had damaged his back, AB’s eyes filled with tears, and that’s pretty much how I have been feeling too for the last week since finding out that our beautiful, heroic son has a titanium fracture (post scoliosis surgery 19 months ago.)
Ming, being the youngest of our father-mother-kid trio, is slightly more upbeat – emphasis on ‘slightly’. The worst thing for him is that he will have to quit his job, milking cows for our fantastic neighbours, a job that he loved.
So, I am going to indulge in some self-pity until tomorrow.
This afternoon, I went and picked Anthony up from the nursing lodge to take him to the upholstering business that last rejuvenated the three antique armchairs in the living room. Since then, around 18 years ago, the business has changed hands and is owned by a delightful sister and brother. Today we actually found that the exact same fabric is still available, so that’s what Anthony wants.
But now here’s the thing: I don’t really love the fabric and even felt it was a little too dark all those years ago. I would much prefer something a little lighter and less flowery. The decision hasn’t been made yet so we shall see, but what I really like about this experience is that, even though it’s down to me in the end because I’m the one who lives here, I want him to choose, so he still knows this is his home.
When I got home from this mini-adventure (if you care for someone with advanced Parkinson’s disease, you will know what I mean by ‘adventure’), I decided to cook myself some cauliflower soup. It looks gross in the photo but is was delicious.
Then Ming and Blaze posed for me.
I seem to be experiencing one metamorphosis after another, having finally adapted to, and accepted, the way my own life has changed since Anthony went to the nursing lodge.
The terrible sense of loss, and the unending grief, haven’t dissipated, but I seem to have developed/discovered a bedrock of joy, no matter how sad or anxious I get about things. It’s so weird!
Yesterday I tried to describe this to Anthony, while I gave him a taste of my latest baked delight – a date loaf recipe my friend Nicola gave me, enhanced with the addition of glace cherries and coconut butter. The result, according to Ming, was a disaster, and, according to Ants, rather dry, and according to Nicola, almost like her recipe but not quite. Oh well, it is edible and that’s the main thing! I will do her recipe properly tomorrow.
Anyway, I was telling Ants about how my whole attitude had changed and that I felt like I’d fallen in love with him all over again. My euphoria was slightly dented when he responded with a rather lame “That’s good then,” between mouthfuls of the rather dry cake.
“You’re supposed to be really thrilled when I say that kind of loveydovey thing,” I harrumphed, indignantly.
Anthony looked at me, his face nearly smiling, his eyes nearly twinkling; then he reached out and took one of my warm hands in one of his always-cold hands, and said, “You are wonderful. I wish I didn’t love you so much.”
Gutsy9 (pictured) is always a source of cheer for all three of us.
Apparently our phone wiring has had the bomb and that is why the home phone crackles and the internet is having so many siestas. I am tempted to let the home phone die and get one of those usb thingys for the internet. I have already replaced my ancient mobile phone with a new one.
It is still very wet so I am practically living in my wellys.
The alpacas are ambivalent when it comes to the rain. They seem to take everything in their stride, although Uluru looks slightly happier than Okami.
The camellias are responding ecstatically to the rain. Now, even though I can’t think of anything worse than gardening, I do love the dozens of camellias Anthony has planted over the years. The one with the ballerina petals is the only one I bought myself. I took the first bloom into Ants the other day.
I’ll take another one in this afternoon. On my way in, I’m hoping to collect a picture I’m having framed for Anthony’s wall. It’s a photo of Ants at around the time I first met him, 35 years ago. Funnily enough, it is not my idea to put this picture on the wall; it’s Anthony’s. I said why not one of our wedding photos, or that one of you on the motorbike with Ming?. But he said no, that he just wanted himself! His self-confidence is certainly still intact; he even got me to blow the photo up to a bigger size!
It has been raining solidly for over 48 hours, and so wet here on the farm that Ming got the old ute (truck) bogged just outside his shed this afternoon, after milking!
Today I went into town and picked up Ants to take him to my mother’s place for afternoon tea (chocolate pudding that I had made the day before). Several weeks ago, I stopped using the wheelchair taxi for outings like this because I experienced a strange new surge in energy and willingness to take him out. My mother showed us more photos of Scotland, including one of her with the bride and groom.
Then she showed us some of Mr Tootlepedal (my blogging friend) and his wife. I felt a vicarious sense of pleasure to meet them through my mother. They have a B&B and my mother stayed with them just before my niece’s wedding. She told me that the Tootlepedals, and their house and garden, were just as charming as I had imagined.
This is the link to the Tootlepedal blog-post that mentioned my ma.
Anthony said my chocolate pudding was dry (you see, this where Ming gets his tact haha!) But his little highness polished off the rest tonight whilst watching a very serious episode of Home and Away.
And I am now cooking some soup!
jmgoyder 