bully | jmgoyder

Doing ‘the right thing’ dilemmas

by jmgoyder

I was brought up well-versed in the art of turning the other cheek and, in principle, this is a rather useful art.

However, I think there comes a point where your cheeks become too raw and swollen and you know you have to stop the hands that keep slapping you.

When Anthony and I announced our engagement, nearly 20 years ago, it was met with various kinds of shock. We knew there might be shock; after all, he was a bachelor in his late 50s and I had just entered my 30s.

Almost without exception, our friends and family expressed delighted shock, but there were two people who didn’t and, even at our wedding, would not speak to us. Ants and I didn’t care at the time because we were on a newlywed high!

But, once the honeymoon was over, I had to learn, in increments, how to deal with these two people. Their bullying behaviour astounded me! It went on and on, year after year, even when Ants became so ill.

But it’s Anthony’s birthday party tomorrow and, as always, he said, “Do the right thing, Jules.”

So I made the phonecall and invited them. Just doing the right thing – ha!

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

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Bullying 2

by jmgoyder

I’ve been reading quite a bit about bullying lately, not just because it is a hot topic, and an enormous problem in cyberspace, but also because I’ve only just begun to realize, with the benefit of hindsight, its impact. I don’t usually like labels, but ‘bully’ is a very handy concept in that it enables you to put the bully/bullies into a kind of metaphorical ‘bully box’ and toss them away.

Now, obviously, bullying is not a new problem, but it seems to have been talked about much more over the last 12 years or so. There is very little I can add to this burgeoning discourse. I am more interested in the characteristics of a bully and in trying to figure out why a bully is a bully. I’m also curious about whether a bully can change. As is probably obvious, I am fascinated by this topic.

Characteristics of a bully (including possible reasons for the bullying personality):

Often bullies have poor communications skills, so use shouting and swearing to get a point across.
Typically, bullies will be devoid of empathy and may not even understand the meaning of the word.
Bullies may use the following tactics: invasion (arriving aggressively on your doorstep unexpectedly); coercion (the surprise attack method of getting you to do something); complaint (to make you think you are in the wrong); charm (pretense of friendliness to get something from you); and/or inane smalltalk (to bore you into submission).
Interestingly, bullies may never have been bullied themselves but, instead, may have been over-indulged children who have learned that tantrums work.
Many bullies show a ghoulish interest in real-life crime and horror, enjoy playing cruel practical jokes, and may even inflict physical harm to animals or humans.
Bullies are often irrational, dishonest and lacking in emotional intelligence.
Often, bullies are flamboyant, attractive, ‘larger-than-life’ and sometimes even popular (in a party context).
Some bullies are preoccupied with wealth and may be ‘sycophantish’ towards anyone who is wealthier.
Most bullies do not have any idea of what a conscience is.
Bullies are often very miserable people.

Tips on how to deal with a bullies (this is what I’ve done and it’s worked):

Recognize the bullies as bullies
Say ‘no’ to the bullies. Ask them to leave you alone and, if they don’t, seek professional support.
Put the bullies into the metaphorical ‘bully box’, toss them away and then forget about them.
Forgive their ignorance.
Forgive them for hurting the people you love most in the world (that’s a difficult one!)

Then SMILE!!!

Note: These are just my own thoughts on the bullying issue, gleaned from my own experience. I do hope, however, that some of this might be helpful to others.

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