jmgoyder

wings and things

Nov 11

The new smile

by jmgoyder

For the love of smiling!

I took a photo of the avocado tree a few weeks ago and posted it on this blog, bragging about its amazing blossoms. A few days later, on climbing the tree to pick one last unreachable avocado, I got a bit tangled in the blossoms and, in untangling myself, realized they were actually the blossoms from an adjacent plum tree. I haven’t wanted to admit this until now because I am so embarrassed. I am quite sure all gardeningy people spotted my error but were kind enough not to say so. Anyway, it’s not my fault that the plum tree (or whatever it is) keeps throwing its pink-blossomed arms around the avocado tree!

I was overjoyed to spot a little peachick on the roof of the shed adjacent to the chookyard and I had a rather long conversation with it until I realized it was a twig!

I love to tell these embarrassing little funny stories to Anthony because it gets him smiling. Some time ago, it seemed that he would never smile again – not because he was sad but because the Parkinson’s has affected all of his muscles, including facial. But over time, I have learned how to elicit a different kind of smile; I use banter, loudness, crudeness and lots of vigorous hugs.

His loud, spontaneous, contagious laugh has gone and so has his loud voice as he now speaks in a kind of whispery way but I am ungentle and say things like:

Speak up, Anthony, clear your throat!
You look like a dead duck today!
Wake up!

Sometimes I catapult myself into his room, throw my arms around him and he gets such a shock and always says, “Jules, how did you know where to find me?”

Or, if he is having a bad day with forming words, I just get his beautiful new, slow-growing smile. And when Ming enters the room, Anthony’s smile gets a whole lot quicker!

Note: Avocado trees do not have pink blossoms!

Australia blogging Embarrassing moments Family Friendship Grief Happiness Humour joy LOVE STORY Marriage My published writing Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers Western Australia

30 Comments »
Nov 10

Dusk

by jmgoyder

It is difficult to take photographs at dusk, especially if you have an inferior camera and/or an amateur photographer, and/or if that same amateur photographer is a bit rusty. Nevertheless, and despite the poor quality of the shots, this particular amateur photographer thoroughly enjoyed getting herself back out there last night.

For some reason, many of the peafowl like to congregate on the roof of the wash-house at dusk, sometimes just to look up, which they are very good at.

IMG_4118

On the other hand, this same roof has also become the stage for some ferocious scuffles between the King peacocks. This photo was taken during a short truce because I didn’t click the camera in time to capture the battle. It’s okay, they didn’t hurt each other; one just flew away. In the background you can see the top of a palm tree pretending to be a peacock.

IMG_4128

And here is Gutsy9 in meditative mode.

IMG_4137

I handed in my application today for the ‘lifestyle assistant’ job at the nursing home and am excited at the possibility but trying not to get my hopes up. It’s part-time which is perfect for me and the usual shift seems to be from 3-6pm which is also perfect. I told Anthony but lately he has been so sleepy and confused that he didn’t really understand until I said, “Well, the money might be good” at which his eyes lit up – ha! Money is something he is constantly worried about, having been a hard-working, frugal farmer for all of those decades. And, yes, it would be good to be earning a wage again and doing something I have always wanted to do – interact, relax with, comfort, and share a joke with people who have dementia. All those years ago, when I was a nurse, there was never any allotted time for this and the notion of lifestyle assistance was unheard of. How wonderful that this nursing home employs people in this way.

If I get the job I won’t be home until after dusk some days. This is probably a good thing as I think I am better at morning photos!

Animal Australia Birds Family Friendship Grief Happiness Humour joy LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers Western Australia Wings

41 Comments »
Nov 9

Catching up

by jmgoyder

After weeks of fighting a tenacious flu that kept coming back after each course of antibiotics, I finally got a chest x-ray which was clear (phew!) but my dr seems to think it was probably a case of pneumonia treated with the wrong antibiotics (I saw another dr to begin with because mine wasn’t on duty). So now I am on a fifth course of two different antibiotics and already feeling a lot better instead of a little bit better. It is such a relief because, despite being well enough for my mama’s 80th b’day and well enough to visit Ants most days and to do some volunteer work, it is only now that I am beginning to feel normal well ha!

As my role as ‘care-giver’ has become most of my identity now, I have a bit of a terror problem when I get sick because I am so needed by Anthony so to have been given the gift of a clear chest x-ray is like gold!

I’ve been trying to catch up and re-connect with blogger friends but have now decided to simply read blogs in a from-now-on mode rather than go back to see what I might’ve missed. It’s been a bit of a relief, too, to let go of the self-imposed feeling of obligation to blog every day if I just don’t have the time or inclination. Perhaps someone should write a book about blog psychology because I get the impression that other bloggers often suffer the same kind of ridiculous guilt. Interesting.

My volunteering at the nursing home, though interrupted by this flu, because you are not supposed to go in there if you are sick (paradoxically, this is probably where I first got infected), continues to delight me and I have now sent an ‘expression of interest’ email in response to last week’s advertisement for a “lifestyle assistant” in the dementia wing. This is a permanent part-time position from 3-6pm for someone to provide activities while the nursing staff conduct the evening showers. As I have already been volunteering in this wing from 3-4pm on the weekends, I am familiar with each of the ten residents and have developed a bit of a rapport. Tomorrow I will fill out the application form and hope for the best. I think this kind of arrangement would be a perfect match and hopefully there will be no perceived conflict of interest as Anthony is not in the dementia wing. I am quite excited about this job possibility and the money would be a relief!

Ming has a job he loves at a restaurant called ‘Corners on King’ so he is gradually becoming independent financially and in other ways. He hates for me to make him any food so my tactic has been to make him a smoothie every morning into which I pack a punch of secret ingredients (if you want to know the secret ingredients you will have to email me!) For those who don’t know, Ming has, from birth, had a rather extraordinary unhungryness – long story which I can’t be bothered telling now but my best illustration of this is the 40C degree day, when he was about one, in which Ants and I had to use a syringe to push a bit of milk into his ungreedy little mouth.

The last few years have been enormously challenging with me having to resign from my job as university lecturer; Anthony’s permanent admission to the nursing home; my mother’s horrifying injuries after falling from her bicycle; the car accident and court case and cousins’ heroic recoveries; Ming’s two scoliosis operations; some friendships rekindled and others on hold; peace, joy, guilt and wretchedness in equal amounts; Ming’s short-lived, but loved, dairy worker job abandoned due to his spine; finding out that you really love eggs on toast; and that if you don’t like what you look like, you need to stop looking at yourself and look away…..

Best-Wise-Famous-Quotes-335

…. and finding out that the width of hope is immeasurable!

Catchya later….

Animal Australia Birds blogging Embarrassing moments Family Friendship Grief Happiness Humour joy LOVE STORY Marriage My published writing Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers Western Australia Wings

28 Comments »
Nov 4

Simplicity

by jmgoyder

IMG_4079

One of the things that I most appreciate about life, now that I am spending most of my daytime hours in the nursing home, is simplicity. Today – in volunteer mode – I helped out with a luncheon for about 60 residents and I loved every single minute of the three hours of ‘waitressing’. Anthony wasn’t mobile enough to join the throng which actually made it easier for me to focus on who wanted tea and who wanted coffee, serving the abundance of food, filling water jugs, asking if such-and-such could have another wine or beer, cleaning up when it was over etc. If Anthony had been there I would have been distracted, so it worked out well. Hilariously, two of the residents asked, “Where’s your father?” I don’t correct this any more because it just embarrasses people; I just said, “He is being a sleepyhead today” which always elicits laughter. Plus I was able to dash up the hallway to his room to check on him from time to time and he was fine and kept telling me I should brush my hair!

There is something beautiful about the attitudes expressed by many elderly and infirm. Every single tea, coffee, sausage roll, prawn, mini-quiche and, eventually, banana splits, was accepted with the kind of gratitude and graciousness that seems to accompany the dignity of age. My left hand was patted a lot and I found myself putting my right hand on people’s shoulders, asking people’s names if I didn’t already know, and smiling back at all of the smiles I was getting.

The simplicity of this event, its easy goodwill, and the incredible courage of so many people battling the various demons of age and disease but still able to smile, and to eat, drink and be merry, made me realize how, as a younger-than-old person, I could re-see every single day as a gift instead of worrying about all of the yesterdays.

So today I choose to say goodbye to everything that has turned a rotten yesterday into a rotten tomorrow. It is an enormous relief to discover the simplicity of today! And to look forward to the long legs of tomorrow!

Australia blogging Family Friendship Grief Happiness Humour joy

38 Comments »
Nov 2

“Swallow it!”

by jmgoyder

The swallowing reflex is something that many people with Parkinson’s disease eventually lose and recently it has become more and more difficult for Anthony to swallow food, drink and especially the many pills he has to take. This morning, after a lovely visit from members of the family who had to travel home today, he said his feet hurt, so I asked for panadol and the nurse brought the pills in just before lunch was delivered.

He was given the panadol inside a spoonful of custard and I told the nurse that I would make sure he swallowed them but 15 minutes later, while his lunch got cold, he kept trying to spit them out and, no matter how hard I tried, with little sips of water and gentle persuasion, he just wouldn’t/couldn’t swallow the pills.

I got so angry with him! Furious, and in tears of frustration, I kept saying, “Just swallow, Ants, SWALLOW!” But he just kept sort of munching on the pills and trying to get them out of his mouth. I kept pushing them back into his mouth and giving him sips of water and he kept resisting me and kind of trying to push me away. Afraid that he might choke, I fought back and yelled at him “Swallow it, for God’s sake!” and finally he did after which I fed him his lunch which he swallowed easily – ironic.

It is a long long time since I have expressed anger towards Anthony so I felt disgusted with myself for having done so when I know he can’t help this sort of thing.

Later, once I’d calmed down and he’d said “Sorry Jules,” I asked him why he wouldn’t swallow the pills and he just said, “I thought they might be poison.”

“Why the hell would I poison you? Don’t you trust me?” Yes, my voice was a little shrill.

So I guess we are now entering yet another phase: inability to swallow, paranoia, extreme confusion. I reported the incident to staff so they are aware, and the doctor is going to review Anthony’s meds in order to find something easier to swallow.

For the remainder of the day, after Anthony and I got over our tiff, he slept in his armchair and I held his hand. Every now and then he would drowsily reach out to hold my other hand and whisper, “Sorry, Jules” again.

This previously robust, macho, laughing man of mine – my hero – now reduced, diminished by this rotten disease, and yet still more concerned about me than himself.

Family Grief LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

59 Comments »
Oct 31

On making the angry doctor nearly smile

by jmgoyder

Doctors do not like to be called into nursing homes on weekends so it was with some trepidation that the nurse-in-charge called the doctor-on-call last Sunday. It was the second day that Anthony had been in bed having suffered two falls. His blood pressure was very low, he was moaning with pain from constipation (a constant problem with Parkinson’s disease) and was extremely incoherent. I was very sad because it gave me a glimpse of what he would look like on his deathbed and I couldn’t seem to get rid of that thought.

After ringing the doctor, the nurse came in and told me he was coming but not happily and had hung up on her, so I was prepared for a bit of unpleasantness and was not disappointed! He strode in with the nurse, on his face a grimace of impatience, and shot questions at us none of which we could answer with any accuracy, which made him even angrier.

“Can he talk?” he snapped at me.
“Yes, well, usually, but not for the last couple of days,” I said. “You could try I guess ….”
“Mr Goyder?” he barked at Anthony.
“Ants, the doctor is asking you a question,” I coaxed.
Anthony looked at the doctor.
“How do you feel?” asked the doctor.
Without the slightest hesitation, Anthony said, “Most of the time, I feel very good, thank you.”
The nurse and I shared a jawdrop, then I cracked up laughing so hard that the doctor’s expression softened.
“You will feel you are here under false pretenses!” I gasped.

A few minutes later, after ordering blood tests and sending a report to our usual doctor (who is never angry!) the angry doctor spoke kindly to me, apologized to the nurse and left, after which she and I shared another laugh.

Anthony then lapsed back into incoherence except to say, “What a lovely man!”

Embarrassing moments Family Friendship Happiness Humour LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

14 Comments »
Oct 5

Anthony picking olives a few years ago

by jmgoyder

I have had a much more social week than usual with the arrival of my niece’s in-laws from Scotland: activities have included a beach barbecue, a day-long winery tour, a visit to our farm, my great-niece’s first birthday, and then a 21st last night. All delightful! Obviously, this altered the routine with Ants and the volunteering, but not hugely and I didn’t visit him at all on the winery day, hoping he wouldn’t notice.

This week is similarly social, with my best friend, Tony (the priest who married us), coming down for the night and a professor I worked with a couple of years ago, dropping in with his wife on his way back to Perth the next morning. This will slightly alter the routine with Ants once again but since it all worked out okay last week, I figure it should be okay this week too.

I think I blogged about the new routine awhile ago; it’s pretty simple really and was probably staring me in the face for several exhausting months, but I have always had rather slow reflexes – ha! The epiphany arrived at the doorstep of my heart one foggy morning and said two words: “Switch homes”.

It took me ages to understand what Epiph meant but then, bingo, the penny dropped. Instead of bringing Anthony home, either by wheelchair taxi, me, or Ming (visits that became increasingly gruelling, physically, mentally and emotionally, for all three of us), it was gently suggested that I simply make myself at home in the nursing home. Epiph is good like that; she recognizes my lack of pragmatism.

Since then, our marriage, Anthony’s illness, Ming growing up, and all the other bits and pieces of emotion and stuff….

have uncurled raised/dropped fists
have unfurled the residue of grief into a great wide flag of hope

The social stuff is good too because it provides me with conversation material for Ants. He loves it! I feel like I am learning something really important about dementia, or maybe love, not sure yet. A year ago I was struggling with how to cope with the impending boredom of the nursing home. Now, this is my attitude:

“Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.”
Thomas Szasz

blogging Family Friendship Grief Happiness Humour joy LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers

38 Comments »
Oct 1

Flowers, food and fun

by jmgoyder

Flowers:
It is so interesting that the avocado tree has unreachable fruit at its top, but is blossoming down below. The very last edible avocado is in the refrigerator, ready to take to Ants tomorrow (he loves them!)

photo (2)
photo (4)
IMG_3802

I’d been bringing various camellias, roses and even bottle brush into the nursing home but the other day I thought I may as well tear off a whole branch of avocado blossoms and arrange them in Ants’ room. This whole flower thing is kind of weird because I really don’t have a clue about this garden Anthony established all those decades ago and have only begun to take a bit of an interest now because, well, why not! Also, every time I bring Ants flowers he gets a thrill out of it. I found two stray roses yesterday and their scent was fantastic.

Food:
Ages ago, I began taking an interest in cooking more interestingly, partly in order to be able to provide Ants with cakey stuff (he has a sweet tooth), partly in order to provide Ming with sustenance (he has a fussy tooth) and, more recently, because I have become fascinated by, and dedicated to, preparing food from scratch. It’s really time-consuming to chop or grind the herbs, roots, chilis etc. but what a great feeling/taste, and how nostalgic it makes me for my early days on this farm when Gar (Anthony’s mother) would point me in the right direction of the flour tin with her walking stick; teach me how to make white sauce; show me (with Anthony’s help – probably our first vaguely romantic moment!) how to pluck a duck and prepare for roasting.

Okay so my latest food discovery is stone-age bread. I just typed this into google out of curiosity and was a bit surprised to find there were already so many recipes. I tried the first one and bingo – beautiful! I would have taken a photo of my own successful loaf of bread but I’ve already eaten it! I will refine the recipe and post soon (yeah, I can hear the non-sighs of anticipation ha!)

Fun:
Before Anthony became so ill with Parkinson’s disease etc., we had a relationship that was full of banter, teasing, laughter, fun. Some of the fun stuff was simply giving cheek so, today, when Ants tried to say something to me in his newishly quiet, croaky, soft voice, I took him by the shoulders (gently!) and said “SPEAK UP, ANTS, CLEAR YOUR THROAT, STOP BEING SO FEEBLE!” Then I punched him lightly in the shoulder and, yeeha! I was the recipient of one of his gradual, wonderful smiles – kind of like sunrise in the mist, bit by bit by bit.

[Note to other bloggers: I hope you know I am reading your posts but just no time atm to comment etc. x]

Happiness Humour joy LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers

12 Comments »
Sep 28

Gutsy 9 – my fantastic bird-in-hand

by jmgoyder

For those who don’t know, G9 is a peachick who, for some reason (maybe because she was half blue/half white) was abandoned by whoever hatched her. I caught her as she was scuttling, terrified, into the old dairy and pretty much raised her with the hands of Ants and Ming.

IMG_1766
IMG_1732

Today, I decided that I would come home earlier than usual from the nursing home. I told Ants I had to go and feed the birds and dogs, and then said I would see him later.

Ants: You won’t come back.
Me: What do you mean? I always come back!
Ants: Not, yes, what car?
Me: Our car, silly!
Ants: How many calves? I need those people for the fireplace
Me: Only ten left to feed. Ming will do it. I know who you mean for the fireplace.
Ants: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, should we ring tomorrow?
Ants: You do it – something is wrong with me.

When I got home, I went straight out to find Gutsy and, as usual, she was waiting for me:

I’d like a word, Julie

IMG_3807

IMG_3808
You’re always out and about and I feel ….

IMG_3809
Oh I think I’m going to cry – how embarrassing!

G9!

Animal Australia Birds blogging Embarrassing moments Family Friendship Grief Happiness Humour joy LOVE STORY Marriage My published writing Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers Western Australia Wings

23 Comments »
Sep 27

One-liners

by jmgoyder

Today, the nurse-in-charge told me that they were concerned early this morning because Anthony couldn’t formulate words and I said that I had noticed this too over the last week or so. Of course this loss of grip on language has been happening for some time and sometimes Anthony tries, fails and sighs in frustration and resignation. His incoherence now, however, is so impossible for me to interpret, that I have become very good at pretending to understand.

But then all of a sudden, he will come out with the most perfectly sarcastic one-liner that it cracks me up. This happened last week when the nursing home had the accreditation people in. Ants and I were interviewed by a lady who directed her questions at Anthony but, because he was a bit confused, I had to kind of interpret his answers, then double-check for his nod.

After the interview was over and Ants and I were alone again, he grimaced arrogantly, and said, clearly and coherently, “I think I was a little too enthusiastic, Jules”. Well, of course I cracked up laughing straight away but Ants just gave me an ironic look and punched his right fist into his left hand and began to smile his slow smile.

Humour joy LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

12 Comments »
«Older Entries
Newer Entries »
Blog at WordPress.com.