jmgoyder

wings and things

Oct 22

Simplicity

by jmgoyder

I watched two of Ming’s favourite television shows with him tonight, we ate pizza, and we laughed together.

What a wonderfully simple way to reconcile our differences and rebond. I haven’t watched television for months and now I am addicted to two shows  – take a guess which ones!

Due to our circumstances, I think the three of us – Ants, Ming and me – have made our love for each other too complicated, too intense, too anxious.

We need to lighten up and get back to the simplicity of watching television together.

Okay, I will tell you what the first show is: Home and Away. I am not giving away what the second show is/was.

Television is quite relaxing isn’t it!

Simplicity rocks!

Family Friendship

38 Comments »
Oct 22

Who let the dogs out?

by jmgoyder

Remember this song?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He82NBjJqf8&noredirect=1

For some time now we have had a dogs versus birds dilemma and this has been a source of contention between Ming and me. I have tended to lock the dogs in their yard and let the birds free range and Ming has wanted this arrangement reversed, so we have now come to a compromise. The dogs get to run free all morning, then get put back into their yard, then the poultry get to free range all afternoon until we put them away, then the dogs get another run. So far this is working very well.

The reason we can’t let them all frolic together is because the dogs want to kill everything. Blaze is a miniature dachschund and Jack is an Irish terrier so, despite our attempts to train them not to kill (using electric collar things briefly which I didn’t like, and a dog trainer) both breeds have been bred to hunt and kill.

Luckily the guinnea fowl and peafowl can fly up and away from dog danger, but none of the poultry can – not even Godfrey – so now we have a new system and everyone seems very happy – the gang, the dogs and Ming and me.

They look so innocent don’t they!

Don’t be fooled by their sweet demeanours; Ming let them out a bit early the other afternoon, before the roosters were roosting, and they killed Noname and Tina Turner almost instantaneously. Poor Ming tried to stop it but had to come and tell me. I cried my eyes out even though Tina and I had such a love/hate relationship. Noname was always a bit vulnerable and an easy target so I guess, for me, this was another lesson learned.

I’m not sure if getting accustomed to loss is a good or a bad thing.

Animal Wings

44 Comments »
Oct 22

Being a mother

by jmgoyder

Until five years ago, when Anthony’s health began to deteriorate dramatically, I think I was a pretty good mother to Ming. I kicked the football with him, played games with him, listened to his young teenage philosophies, rescued him from a school he hated and attempted home-schooling, took him to a psychologist when he became depressed, watched Black Books and The IT Crowd with Ming and Ants so we could all laugh together. But at the same time, things got much worse in terms of Anthony’s health and Ming and I began to share the ‘night shift’ of helping Ants to the loo, sometimes 3-4 times per night. I only asked Ming to do this once a week but it still took its toll on him emotionally. For me it took its toll physically and I ended up in hospital for a week with a severe asthma flu caused, the drs said, from exhaustion and sleep deprivation. It was at this point that my job at the university began to curl away from my grasp because, as soon as I was well again, I had to become a fulltime carer for Ants and the rest is history.

Tonight, Ming and I had another horrible row and we talked around in circles until I finally hit the nail on the head by asking him if his anger and frustration might be because I had stopped being a mother. He hesitated before saying to me that it had all been Dad, Dad, Dad, for years.

Oh the heartache of realizing that this beautiful son of mine/ours stopped being a child at around 14 because I unwittingly stopped being his mother and, instead, kept asking for his help with Anthony. Of course he was never neglected or unfed or abandoned. Of course he was adored, appreciated and cared for, but my preoccupation with Anthony’s deteriorating health was all-consuming and, yes, Ming is right – it was all Dad, Dad, Dad, until tonight. From now on it is going to be Ming, Ming, Ming.

Family Friendship

63 Comments »
Oct 21

The first word

by jmgoyder

This word is often the first you utter as a toddler, but it is also the first word you become fearful of. It can be said to you, but you cannot say it back. You can’t say it back when you are a little child because you are a little child. You can’t say it back when you begin school because you are a schoolchild. You can’t say it back to your parents, your teachers, your coaches, your relatives, your friends … because you are not allowed to, no matter how many times it is said to you.  So you grow up and you get your first job and the situation repeats itself until you think that maybe you will never, ever be able to say your first word again. And then, 20, 30, 40 or 50 years into your life, you suddenly realize that it would be rather a handy word to use in some circumstances. So you try it out, very gently, and it works- it works! Then you try it out, less gently, and that works too and this surprises you because you have always been too fearful of using this first word. It is a beautiful word.

No.

Last week I said ‘no’ to Ming and today I said ‘no’ to Ants and, instead of being catapulted off the earth into nowhere, the three of us are still here and my two men have survived my ‘no’ with incredible ease. Of course there is more to this, as my previous blogposts imply, however it is the end result that really matters. I have learned to say no, Ming has learned that I am the boss and Anthony has begun to accept that he is in a nursing lodge permanently.

To celebrate my newfound love of the first word, I went out this afternoon and took some pictures (something I haven’t done for ages) of our beautiful white peacock who seems to think he is the first word bird!

I asked him if I could take just one more photo. He looked at me, turned around, flew high up into the wattle tree and cawed his answer down to me.

No.

Family Friendship Wings

58 Comments »
Oct 18

Scrambled eggs

by jmgoyder

I made Ming scrambled eggs, bacon and tomatoes last night and he said the eggs were really different and fantastic! I said it was because they started out poached but ended up scrambling themselves.

I didn’t tell him I had chucked a massive goose egg into the mix.

Ah, control!

Family Wings

31 Comments »
Oct 17

Control

by jmgoyder

I latched onto a couple of quotes from two articles that I found on Monday and, when I read them to Ming yesterday, he was blown away. The first comes from this source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201007/help-my-controlling-behavior-is-ruining-relationships

“How does a person become controlling? It is basically a method of coping with the anxiety they feel beginning very early in life.  Some had parents who couldn’t quite fulfill their role as strong caregivers and seemed to be weak or incapable.

A child in this situation, as early as age 3, may begin to prop up their parents and become a little adult very early on.  If the stress continues, fear increases and the use of attempts to control what they can, becomes compulsive and unconscious. It is more likely to happen with children who are helpers, and/or leaders by nature, often first born boys or girls feel proud of themselves for helping and it is encouraged or reinforced by parents and other influential adults. They may also have a tendency toward anxiety, worry and perfectionism which will only make it worse.”

The second quote comes from this source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201010/how-deal-control-freak

“Controllers are often perfectionists. They may feel, ‘If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.’ …. Controllers are also controlling with themselves. They may fanatically count carbs, become clean freaks or workaholics. Conventional psychiatry classifies extreme cases as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder–people are rigidly preoccupied with details, rules, lists, and dominating others at the expense of flexibility and openness.

QUIZ: AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A CONTROLLER? (from Emotional Freedom)

  • Does this person keep claiming to know what’s best for you?
  • Do you typically have to do things his way?
  • Is he or she so domineering you feel suffocated?
  • Do you feel like you’re held prisoner to this person’s rigid sense of order?
  • Is this relationship no fun because it lacks spontaneity?

If you answer “yes” to 1-2 questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a controller. Responding “yes” to 3 or more questions suggests that a controller is violating our emotional freedom.”

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I read these quoted excerpts to Ming so it was rather lovely when he listened without angst and it was very interesting to see his jaw drop in recognition of himself and me. I guess you could call it an epiphany.

It was during our first session with the counsellor last week that she suggested  we might have control issues, so it was the word ‘control’ that stuck in my head and is why, after things went haywire on Sunday, I googled ‘control issues’ and found the above two articles. What would we do without google – ha!

“So I’m a control freak,” Ming said with a certain amount of relief and a tinge of pride.

“Yes.”

“And it’s because I couldn’t control Dad’s sickness and your misery, and my back and all the shit?”

“Possibly.”

“So what do we do now?” Ming asked.

“Well, we’ve already taken the first step, kid.”

“What do you mean?”

“I am the one in control now so you can just freak off!”

His pealing laughter filled the house and my heart had a lovely little nap.

Sometimes I just want to go back in time!

Animal Family Friendship LOVE STORY

47 Comments »
Oct 17

Godzilla

by jmgoyder

It is the beginning of my third day of being Godzilla since my tranformation on Sunday night and I am gaining a whole new perspective from my great height. One of the interesting things I’ve realized is that I have never been the boss here. It has been an old-fashioned sort of marriage with Anthony making all of the decisions to do with the house, garden, farm etc. Mostly this was fine with me and I deferred to him because (a) he was an older man; (b) I married into an already established home; and (c) I didn’t mind or care about the garden and house decisions.

Don’t get me wrong. Ants was never bossy or overbearing; it’s just that as a retired dairy farmer, he naturally took responsibility for all the home stuff and I went out to work and pursued my academic career. But now, when I look back, I see that I did not make any of the decisions. He did. For example, I couldn’t simply ring up and get someone to help us repair a pump or a fence or an electrical fault. This was always Anthony’s territory. Occasionally this would drive me mad and we would argue, but not often. Usually I would just give up and leave it to him.

On the other hand, we did make some decisions together – a new mirror, carpet, a car, new tiles for the kitchen, Christmas presents for Ming, and we had enormous fun doing so, but the final word was always Anthony’s. He was the boss. I was under the thumb, but the thing is, you see, I didn’t mind and anyway I was preoccupied with my teaching job and my writing.

As his health began to deteriorate dramatically (nearly 5 years ago), I wanted to buy a ride-on lawnmower to make it easier but he wouldn’t let me and that was that. I wanted to get reticulation but he wouldn’t let me and that was that. Many of my female friends were amazed at my lack of assertiveness and autonomy; after all Anthony was never dictatorial or bullying or nasty – it’s just that the power was his from the outset I guess and so I have never felt any sense of ownership in terms of this home that I love, this farm that I love. In fact all of my toiletries are still in a travel bag under the sink in the bathroom; I have never unpacked them!

Blip ahead to now (8 months since Ants went into the nursing lodge and 7 months since Ming’s scoliosis operation), the dynamics shifted subteley and I found myself under someone else’s thumb – Ming’s. Initially, I was so proud of him for taking on this role of ‘man of the house’, and he took the reins of control with alacrity. But several weeks ago, this arrangement began to fall apart – his bossiness exhausted me, and the bossier he became the more defeated I became. To top it off, my sorrow about Anthony kept clashing with Ming’s anger about Anthony and we began to avoid each other.

Of course there is a lot more to this but on Sunday it all came to a head and I finally realized I was actually being bullied, and I drew the line and took back a control that I never had in the first place. For a kid who is unfamiliar with the word ‘No’ this has been an interesting transition, so we are both experiencing brand new roles and it is rather wonderful! I love being the boss and today I have a lawnmowing man and his son out here getting the place back into shape and teaching Ming how to do stuff and I orchestrated it, I made the decision – me!

Even Godfrey, the Godzilla of ganderdom, has a new respect for me. Yeeha!

Family Friendship LOVE STORY Wings

57 Comments »
Oct 16

Enough is enough

by jmgoyder

I have been struggling to write about something for a couple of days because, despite the fact that I am fine with being honest and open about stuff in this blog, on Sunday our family situation became, for me, unbearable and I gave up. I couldn’t write about it except metaphorically (the ‘despair’ post for eg.)

That’s what happens, I think, when you have been enoughed enough – ha! But, on Sunday night, I realized that being this cringing wimp wasn’t helping so I gave up giving up and got angry instead.

I became Godzilla and it was very satisfying! I said NO, I said I am the boss, not you, I said enough is enough.

The teenager from hell suddenly reverted to his usual angelic personality and it has now lasted 48 hours. There is hope.

Family Friendship

47 Comments »
Oct 13

First crush

by jmgoyder

It was mid-semester break at the local university where I worked so I took Ming in with me. He was nearly four. I’d only done this once before and it’d been a disaster because there was nothing for him to do except run up and down the hallway, vrooming, which wasn’t really appropriate at exam time.

This time I had a drawer full of paper, textas, finger puppets, matchbox cars and chocolate frogs ready, and for awhile this worked really well. I closed my office door and started preparing for the following semester while Ming played and drew pictures happily on the floor.

Inevitably, Ming got bored, so finally I opened my office door and told him he could go up and down the hallway quietly. He raced out.

After a few minutes I realised it was just a bit too quiet and, worried he’d wandered outside, I darted into the hallway just in time to see him dragging a chair from one of empty lecture rooms into the hallway and across to another lecture room. This was a big job for a little guy and I retreated to my doorway and watched, unnoticed, while, grunting with exertion, he finally propped the chair up against the closed door.

I knew there was some sort of community seminar going on in that room and earlier I’d bumped into the woman conducting it and said a quick hello. She’d seen Ming and crouched down at his eye-level and ruffled his hair, saying, “You’re a handsome devil aren’t you!” But it wasn’t until I saw him clambering onto the chair to look through the small window into the room where she was giving some sort of presentation that I realised how much impact she’d had on him.

I tip-toed up behind him to watch this woman through Ming’s ‘little-boy’ eyes. She was certainly beautiful; she was young, slim, olive-skinned and her black hair fell to her waist. Ming was so transfixed that he had no idea I was there until she suddenly noticed us peering in. She was so startled that I whisked Ming off the chair and back into my office, embarrassed.

But, much to my surprise, he ran straight back and picked up the chair, which had fallen over, and clambered onto it again to have another look. I quietly left him to it.

A few minutes later, I heard voices in the hallway, indicating that the seminar had finished. Ming toddled back into my office, an ecstatic smile on his face.

“Come an’ look, Mummy,” he said, pulling me away from my desk and into the hallway. The woman was walking away but, for some reason, she turned back and saw us watching her. She waved, and Ming waved back. Then she was gone. He sighed.

“That’s a bootiful womin, isint it, Mummy,” he said, looking up at me, his eyes full of light. I was flabbergasted. Was he in love?

It took weeks to wear off!

…..

Now that Ming is 18 he has experienced a few more crushes and been crushed by them as we all are at that age. It is strange to think that I was, at his age, falling in love with Anthony. I wonder who Ming will end up forming a relationship with and I hope she will be kind to him like the woman in the story above. If she isn’t, I will bop her!

Family Wings

37 Comments »
Oct 12

This odd little family

by jmgoyder

I love this odd  little family of mine – the three of us – Anthony, Ming and me.

Ants is 76 and in a nursing lodge due to advanced Parkinson’s and cancer, and Ming is 18 and suffering a disease called adolescence.

I’m kind of in the middle at 50ish.  I love them both equally but sometimes it’s almost as if I have to make a choice about who needs to be prioritized. Do I privilege my husband or my son?

That is a very good question.

Family

43 Comments »
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