I have to break it to Ants that I can’t bring him home for the day any more because I can’t physically lift him. He is now requiring two nurses to assist him in every way. I will tell him tomorrrow; it is a hard thing to say and I am nearly beside myself with grief because he is my hero in so many ways – hence my resorting to sentimental music like the following….
‘Shit happens’
Okay, firstly, I didn’t say that; it’s a popular quote and is a perfect descriptor of how life can pan out, regardless of hopes, prayers and …. well, we all know. In fact, it is a fact of life and it doesn’t necessarily come with any warning on the packet.
‘Shit happens’ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shit_happens
I’m not a huge wikipedia fan but sometimes it is handy, as in the above definition/history of the quote.
‘Shit happens’ is an existential type of concept in the sense that, despite trying to be a good person and trying to make your own life work out in the hope that you can control its meanderings and tame the hardships into something manageable, you can’t always do that. I don’t think you can manage fate when it comes to bite you at the end of a life (Anthony).
It is possible, however, that you can manage fate at the beginning of a life (Ming). I don’t know.
Ming playing at the gig the other night.
Shit doesn’t always happen?
Note: Apologies for offensive language, if you were offended!
Blogantics!
The notification of other people’s blog posts is still not working (I only know this because I am subscribed to my own so I usually get a notification when I write a post and this isn’t happening). Having unsubscribed from all blogs has given me a bit of much-needed perspective in terms of time management, so that’s good. I thought, for the time being, I would simply suss out latest posts from those people with whom there is a mutual support thing going on. This will keep me out of mischief!
Wrong number!
I just got an awful shock when I realized why the scary man on the phone is so angry. Let me explain:
The scary man rang me the other day on the home phone and here is how the conversation unfolded:
Me: Hello?
Scary Man: Hello.
Me: Is that … ? Sorry, who am I speaking to?
Scary Man: No, love, I’d like to know who I’m speaking to.
Me: But you rang me.
Scary Man: You got that wrong – you have rung me and hung up around seven times now.
Me: Sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Scary Man: You ring me in the night and hang up just as I’m answering the phone. What is your name!
Me: Julie!
Scary Man: Julie who?
Me: Come on – I hate this joke thing. Who is this?
Scary Man: Oh, you hate this joke thing – so why do you keep waking me up late at night?
Me: What are you talking about? Sorry, are you the builder from Boyanup?
Scary Man: I’m not a bloody builder. Where are you ringing from?
Me: Western Australia.
Scary Man: Well I’m in Queensland, girlie and if you keep on ringing me ….
Me: I’m not ringing you – I’m so sorry – we’ve had a severe storm recently so maybe it’s the telephone wires or something?
Then, a few days later, the scary man rang again and Ming answered and this time the guy was extremely aggressive on the phone and I could hear Ming apologizing and assuring the man we hadn’t rung him.
I couldn’t work out the conundrum until I found out that I had one digit wrong in my nephew’s phone number (who I’d been trying to ring for a few days), so I thought that must be it.
Until yesterday. Yesterday, I rang Anthony’s mobile number and guess who answered – yes, it was the scary man! His voice is deep and gravelly and totally recognizable. In terror I quickly said, ‘Oh, sorry, I have the wrong number,’ and quickly hung up.
Okay, in a previous post, I described my method of ringing Anthony. Because he is slow to answer, I let the phone ring four times, hang up, then four times again and hang up and he sometimes answers on the third try. I do this around three times per day if I am not going in to visit.
I must have misdialled a few times and obviously the scary man’s phone number is similar to Anthony’s. I am now much more careful when I dial! And, since Queensland is two hours ahead of us, that explains the late night thing.
I am so glad the scary man lives in Queensland and not around the corner!
A wonderful realization
Well, it took a wordpress glitch to shake some sense into me. The notifications of blogs I’d subscribed to (even though I did that whole unsubscribe thing awhile back) weren’t coming through to my email account, so I got a bit worried and, yes, felt a little lonely not to get those emails.
Various comments suggested that other bloggers were experiencing glitches like this and several said they simply use the Reader to check up on their blogfriends. To cut a long story short, I went in and unsubscribed from every single blog in order to resubscribe when my particular glitch was solved.
But halfway through the unsubscribing process, I realized that blogging has become my way of avoiding things, avoiding some of my responsibilities, avoiding Anthony and the pain of what he is going through in this final phase of Parkinson’s disease.
So, from now on, and I’m sure none of you will be hurt by this because I have totally unsubscribed from everyone – I am simply going to write a daily blog, respond to comments and that’s it. I have to do this for awhile so that I can focus on Anthony and Ming, so for those bloggers who I am close to, with whom I have exchanged support, humour etc., please forgive me. I will catch up with your blogs as soon as I can and I am available by email anyway.
I have decided to stop using blogging as an avoidance strategy.
Hopefully this makes sense!
Still have problems with WordPress
That’s all I have to say today because I don’t want to swear in public!
For those bloggers I subscribe to, I will try to keep up as I am still not receiving email notifications – sorry!
Is there a WordPress glitch at the moment?
There seems to be a disconnection (for me) between WordPress and my google email account – ie. I am not getting any notifications of anyone else’s blogposts. Is anyone else having this problem?
Funny incidents
FUNNY INCIDENT 1
Anthony and I just had a nostalgic talk on the phone about the Captain Stirling hotel (where he thought he was last night). He remembers vividly his delusional episode which I find rather remarkable. I remind him of our stay there when I was heavily pregnant.
Me: You took me to the cheapest hotel in Perth, with a room that didn’t even have a bathroom so I had get up and go to a communal bathroom a million times during the night because of being pregnant and needing to use the loo. Your were such a tightarse!
Anthony: I thought it was quite romantic.
Me: You really ARE deluded!
Anthony: Remember bumping into Ed in the bar? [distant relation around Anthony’s age]
Me: How could I forget that! Remember how we didn’t understand why the bar was so crowded with middle-aged women?
Anthony: And Ed told us is was ‘Grab a granny night’!
Me: It was appalling! So why did you think you were there last night?
Anthony: Because it looked exactly like the Captain Stirling.
Me: So you’re okay today?
Anthony: Yes, I’m not there today.
Me: Where – at the Captain Stirling?
Anthony: Yes, I’m back here.
Me: Okay, I’ll be in later – I love you.
Anthony: [mumbles incoherently – this is happening a lot now]
Me: I can’t hear you – what did you say?
Anthony: I love you.
Me: Well it’s about time you said that!
Anthony: I couldn’t remember the words.
You gotta laugh!
FUNNY INCIDENT 2:
Ming and I have the usual mother and son conflicts and after a particularly horrible argument, which Ming later insisted on analysing every nuance of until we were reconciled (rather exhausting), we had this conversation-
Ming: Mum, I don’t want to see any of my friends for awhile.
Me: Why? What’s wrong?
Ming: Nothing. It’s just that I want to work on repairing our relationship.
Me: You really are unique, kid!
Ming: I try.
We both laugh!
FUNNY INCIDENT 3
Adolescent peacock 1 [we have too many for me to name them!]: Is Julie watching?
Adolescent peacock 2: She’s trying to take pictures you idiot! Turn around.
White adolescent peacock: I think I’ll leave you guys to it.
Angelina: Those two peacocks are getting very cocky aren’t they, Malay.
Malay: Hey, watch your language!
Tina Turner: Don’t worry, New Kid, around here this is considered normal behaviour.
New Kid: How do they do that feather thing?
Tina Turner: I don’t know and I don’t care!
Phoenix 1: Their need to flaunt themselves deeply saddens me. It’s a sign of the times. I prefer to let my beauty speak for itself.
Adolescent peacock 2: I told you to turn around. Do you think Julie wants a picture of your bum?
Adolescent peacock 1: I can’t turn around because you’re in the way. I’ll try again tomorrow – I’m exhausted.
New Kid: I’m having a bit of trouble adjusting to this place, Malay.
Malay: Don’t worry, New Kid, I was born here and I’ll look after you.
Sometimes I get a bit freaked out
Tonight on the phone Anthony asked me when I would be coming to join him at the Captain Stirling for a beer.
The last time we were at this pub I was pregnant with Ming – 19 years ago.
Tomorrow, when I bring Ants home for the afternoon, I will ask him about this because who else can I ask? He is my confidante and likes me to talk to him about him – weird but good too, I think!
Antidepressants?
I have now spoken to two of Anthony’s doctors about the possibility of him going on antidepressants or some sort of medication to lift his spirits. The trouble is, of course, that when asked, “Are you depressed?” he immediately says no, without the slightest hesitation. Despite his inability to smile or laugh in the ‘normal’ way anymore, he still has the most amazing ability to remain relatively stable emotionally (it is me who zigzags constantly from one mood to another!) However, it is becoming more and more obvious that not being home is making him constantly sad, and longing for us – Ming and me – is making him even sadder. His head is always bowed right down now (an effect of Parkinson’s and his spinal condition) so that when he stands he is almost bent double and I have to kneel down to look him in the eyes.
When I thought about telling Anthony about my weird dream (see previous post), I anticipated he would laugh his head off because I keep forgetting he can’t laugh at all. Every time I see him I get a shock all over again at how deteriorated he is – and how quiet, sometimes sullen. So this week I am going to organize an appointment to get some happy pills – after all, what harm can it do now? I realize this post may elicit mixed opinions and that’s probably a good thing. I don’t know what else to do.
I’ve been wondering why I continue to love Godfrey the gander, despite the way he bites me all the time (even when I am giving him bread!) and I think it’s because his confidence, his boisterousness and his strut all remind me of Anthony when he could stand up straight.
jmgoyder 