jmgoyder

wings and things

The truth

on December 31, 2015

Recently, I wrote a post outlining some factual information about events following my marriage to Anthony. Almost immediately, I received a flurry of support from other family members, but this one stands out:

Dear Julie and Ming
I have been extremely interested by your comments about the past. You are on the right track, I believe. It is very important to remember incidences that have had a profound effect on you and your family. It is more important to recall the actual facts that have not been changed by glossing over the truth or to suit particular individuals. What you have recalled regarding J’s behaviour is fact. I can remember Anthony telling us.
I have discovered many interesting things about the Goyders and the Stewarts thanks to your box. Much of the information is quite contrary to what J. believed.
I am hoping to have it all together (within the next year) so that Ming, being the youngest of the generation will know some more about his family. It will all be factual too.
You continue to do what is best for Anthony and your patience with others who think they know better is amazing.

But then I received this:

What are you hoping to gain from ranting about … ??? You’ve only alienated yourself even more from our Family!!! I feel sorry for you Julie it obviously consumes you and makes you behave badly !!!

Of course this niece of Anthony’s is upset; and of course she doesn’t want to acknowledge that her father may have bullied Anthony into such a state of stress that he was gobbled up by one disease after another.

What should have been an idyllic first few years of marriage, with the ever-cute Ming, was tainted terribly by the extraordinary and (for me) unexpected malevolence of these relatives.

I had the most beautiful afternoon with Ants today. As I arrived, my wonderful mother left (she and I are his almost daily visitors). He was wide awake, bright-eyed, defying all odds, my hero. I told him about everything that had happened lately and I cried into his wonderful shoulder.

Me: Do you remember the ‘party’ the other day, Ants?
Ants: My birthday?
Me: No, it had a kind of death theme actually, but I didn’t realise it at the time.
Ants: Who is dying?
Me: You, apparently.
Ants: What rubbish. Look at this!

With that, he pointed proudly (as he often does) to his very flat stomach. Years ago he was a bit more rotund!

This is the thing, you see: Ants is on the other ‘side,’ so to speak, of the dementia of PDD. He has totally forgotten the ‘party’ of course; he often forgets his age, or where he is, or what is wrong with him. But he remembers the familiar very well and the constancy of my almost-daily presence, Ming’s, his nephews’ visits, my mother’s frequent knitting visits; the letters from his god-daughter (also niece); visits from my friends who love me almost as much as they love him; the carers and other staff at the nursing home.

This is the truth.


33 responses to “The truth

  1. Terry says:

    You hold your head high. You are doing an awesome job mentally and physically

  2. Your truth is your life, and if they don’t want to see the truth of it, that is something they have to live with. I’m sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. I love your priorities

  3. ksbeth says:

    never let the truth be told any other way, other than the way it is/was. bravo, jules.

  4. misifusa says:

    Sending you a warm heartfelt hug Jules. I am so sorry. People’s reactions vary in situations and it is a blessing that you can stay in the knowledge of truth and find peace within you. You are an amazing Mom and Wife…stay steady my friend. Love prevails. xo

  5. Much love and many hugs to you Julie. each of us must speak our truth and you always speak truth in love.

  6. Keep calm and carry on!

  7. susanpoozan says:

    You are such a strong support to Anthony, I am sorry that his brother and family find the truth so hard to take.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Their youngest son is my godson and he has always been absolutely gorgeous to us, even when his parents and siblings turned their backs in those early years of our marriage. I don’t want to hurt anyone by telling the truth of my story with Ants, but I am no longer nervous to tell the truth (if that makes sense!)

  8. Some people lash out when they know they are wrong, they want to turn things around and make others feel bad because they don’t want to admit to themselves and anyone else how wrong they are. You are amazing just so you know

  9. tootlepedal says:

    Ally and I send you all our love for 2016

  10. Vicki says:

    Hold your head high Julie.

    People…..don’t want to admit they’re wrong and can’t bear the thought that their parents are not as perfect as they think.

    Interestingly enough, I had a similar situation over Christmas and I can well understand how people’s reactions vary.

    Sending you lots of cyber hugs and love and here’s hoping the coming weeks/months will be positive – filled with love and joy.

    Vicki xox

  11. Lynda says:

    Be strong, Julie, we love you for it. ❤

  12. Rhonda says:

    It is a fact that sometimes the truth hurts…and is one reason so many don’t like the truth. Your niece for instance…her reaction is obvious and her loyalty to her parents does her credit. But that loyalty, blind loyalty, is the shield behind which those who cannot or do not wish to know the truth, hide. My mother is dealing with one such relative now and I can see the dividing line very clearly…and it looks an awful lot like a branch on a family tree. A family APPLE tree. And some apples don’t fall far, if ya know what I mean.

  13. Though some try, they are not allowed to reinterpret or reinvent our histories.

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