wings and things


on January 13, 2016

Today, as I fed Anthony his lunch, he took my hot hand into his cold hand, and kissed it over and over again until I laughed hysterically.

Anthony: Shhhhh! You are so loud!
Me: I was always softly spoken until I met you!
Anthony: Shhhhh!
Me: Are you ready for your next mouthful? OMG you are like a starving dog!
Anthony: I’m hungry.

Anyway, after I fed him his lunch (he seems to have forgotten how to use cutlery – normal in cases of PDD) I got my mother’s amazing Christmas cake out of the cupboard and he pretty much vacuumed it all up!

Lately I have become a bit haphazard with visiting Ants. For example, when he is in sleep-mode, I don’t stay very long; but if he is in wide-awake mode, I stay. It’s a kind of loose arrangement whereby I try to spend at least a few hours per day with him. I should probably turn this into a more regular, regulated routine, but, since I stopped working at the university (and that is a few years ago now), I have lost any sense of daily routine. I suppose I have just been kind of going with the unpredictable flow of Anthony’s PDD.

When I take a day off from seeing Ants, I simply summon Ming or Meg to do so.

Almost every time I enter Anthony’s room, he looks at me and says: “How did you find me?”

Almost every time I leave Anthony’s room, he asks: “You won’t forget where I am?”

This afternoon, he whispered something a bit more poignant: “Jules, don’t forget about me” and I reassured him, of course!

His verbal antics aren’t so acrobatic anymore; his sarcasm is subdued, but the way Anthony stares at photos of Ming and me and him – especially the ones in which Ants is still healthy, I am young, and Ming is a little child – are particularly moving.

Now that Ming has converted a couple of videos into dvds (of wedding and baby Ming), I can see clearly how this nearly 40-year-old relationship has impacted on all of us in various ways.

And this is probably the moment in which I begin to cry (unless I find a good movie).

21 responses to “Moments

  1. ksbeth says:

    the love story continues, though just in a different way –

  2. misifusa says:

    Jules, sending you a hug, from me to you…got a few tears in my eyes now. Grateful that you share. xo

  3. So lovely how you continue to share your life with us.

  4. Anonymous says:

    It is love! Go ahead and cry Julie, it is balm for the soul (beside, your story bought me to tears) xox

  5. God I love you two and your love.

  6. Beautiful Julie. Hugs. ❤
    Diana xo

  7. Rhonda says:

    Let them fall dearest Jules, let them fall. Love you my friend…xoxo

  8. dogdaz says:

    So wise of you to judge your visit time by his energy levels. Crying is ok. The passage of time changes many things and brings up many good memories.

  9. So beautiful Jules! Hugs xxxoo

  10. Judy says:

    Weepy and beautiful. Sweet tears for others while you live with heartache and impending doom. Glad you can write and share because it touches others and brings you much needed support.

  11. Trisha says:

    Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs.

  12. lensgirl53 says:

    Lovely, Jules. I so love to read about you and your family. You are such a gifted writer.

  13. susanpoozan says:

    My heart goes out to you.

  14. tootlepedal says:

    I think that crying is just the thing for moments like that. It’s what its for.

  15. The family records in photos and movies are such wonderful things to have.

  16. Yeah when they want to just sleep it would be normal to think why am I here I could be doing this or that all you can really do is take it one day at a time

  17. judyrutrider says:

    You are showing me how to get through it. Observing your hope tempered with pragmatism gives me reason to think we can do what is necessary as long as we have the support of our friends and family.

  18. artfulanxiety says:

    Not having a routine is the worst sometimes, isn’t it?
    It’s so wonderful to know that he still treats you with such love.

  19. Like in the ancient myths, the greater the hero and heroine, the more impossible the challenges. You two are proving that the greater the love, the more impossible the challenges. As painful as it is, thank you for sharing the epic of all true love stories. You give us all hope and a road map.


  20. i occasionally find myself thinking what anthony put in to words, don’t forget me. that is what we all fear. not dying or what will happen after, simply that we not be forgotten.

    he has not reason to worry about that with you! your love will live forever in your heart.

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