wings and things

Life and death questions

on March 23, 2016

Even though my mother and Ming have been visiting Anthony for the last week of this rotten asthma attack, I have worried so much about Ants.

The asthma is gone now but the side-effects of a steroid burst can include severe digestive issues. Not fun.

Anyway, I just rang the nursing home and my favourite nurse picked up and, as soon as I heard her voice, I started to cry. She quickly calmed me and asked me to tell her what was what and she said she would be seeing Ants in just a few minutes and would explain the reason for my absence.

I haven’t seen Ants for a week now and I don’t think we have been apart for this long ever, so it’s a difficult thing. On the other hand, perhaps we needed a rest from each other?

One friend recently suggested that Ants is only alive (having out-lived his prostate cancer + PD diagnoses) because of me. The implication of this is that my constant presence in his life is giving him the will to live?

No, he is not vegetative yet but it won’t be long. Ming and I are reluctantly ready but also absolutely terrified.

So surreal!



14 responses to “Life and death questions

  1. susanpoozan says:

    Your life is so difficult, well done for soldiering on.

  2. artfulanxiety says:

    Sorry I’ve obviously missed some important posts, but it seems like you’ve had a bit of a rest from the nursing home?
    Honestly I think that even if Ants is in and out of lucid talks and what not, he still feels you there on some level. To feel that those you love are with you I think is worth more than anything.
    Lots of love Jules

  3. Lynda says:

    Somehow, I don’t think philosophizing about your situation is what you need from me today, Julie, so instead I send you love and a prayer for strength. ❤ ❤ ❤

  4. I send you love and light. Much love. Many hugs.

  5. Oh my dear friend it is hard. Look at this time as time to strengthen yourself for what lies ahead. Much love dear friend

  6. Judy says:

    Anticipating him having a “vegetative state” is such a heavy burden, Julie. I remember anticipating things like that with my parents – but honestly, there is no way of knowing. He might never reach that place.
    It was a lighter load for me to just stay with each day. Whatever seemed imminent was going to happen and if I thought about it, I just suffered more.
    You’ve been physically shot and that makes it very hard emotionally. I feel for you. I hate that weepy feeling that happens when I’m down. I was about to write “weak” – but the strength is there as you cope with your overwhelming loss.

  7. Trisha says:

    Not being able to be with Anthony must be so, so hard. I hope you feel better so you can be with him again soon. Sending strength and hugs to you.

  8. Terry says:

    You are going through some rough days, I agree, but I also believe your constant visits help give Ants something to live for. The good thing with PD, is he probably isn’t aware how long it has been since you have visited. Only you realize this. Big hugs

  9. It is the truth and I think important to share-may help others to step out of their denial.

  10. Lisa Rest says:

    Sorry too that I’ve missed your posts, can’t imagine how you are dealing with all the stresses. Changes, maybe even more incrementally slow ones, can be so difficult. I send you a wish for some peace from the other end of the planet.

  11. I’m adding my love and thoughts Julia.

  12. I’ve been catching up … hope you’re feeling well again soon…. I had asthma pretty severely as a child … not quite so bad as an adult with all the puffers etc. they have now… but it left me also about 8-10 years ago. Most likely the stress of everything has maybe flared it up for you again… but hope it leaves you soon.

    The uncertainty of what the future holds, is balanced I believe by the enrichment of your lives in knowing the depth of your love …both with Anthony and with Ming!….. Diane xx

  13. Hi there darling. Just popping in to say good morning. Take care of yourself darling. Most important. c

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