Today, Anthony ate his vitamised food well, was able to speak a bit, and smiled at my mother, who has recently returned from a wedding in Melbourne. It was while she was away that he had the TIA (mini-stroke) that really freaked me out and catapulted me into making funeral arrangements – mainly because he’d had another of these two days prior.
Even before the nursing home, Ants had had these mini-strokes and twice I called the ambulance and he was hospitalised. Both of these experiences were dreadful because he became so disorientated and anxious but at the time I didn’t know what a TIA was.
Today I spoke to one of the many lovely nurses at the nursing home to check with her if I’d signed the ‘not for resuscitation’ form. That was a yes. But I also wanted to check that I had signed off on the end-of-life form, so we are going to discuss/check this tomorrow because I don’t want Anthony hospitalised, or given a feeding tube, or any interventions that might prolong suffering.
Anthony doesn’t appear to be suffering but his feeling intensely cold during the day, and hot during the night (and I remember this from when he was still home), may actually be physical pain? I don’t know because he rarely complains. And even if he wanted to say he is thirsty – and he is suddenly thirsty constantly – his ability to speak is too diminished to express anything coherent to the carers.
He was always a larger-than-life person – loud, boisterous, the life of the party, and Ming (Menzies Goyder) is such a clone of Anthony. I love this!
And now, this evening, as I reflect on today, I realise that Anthony is also a larger-than-death person. Yes, he will probably die in the next few months or weeks but he will live on in so many hearts because he is so loved, by so many – not just Ming and me.
jmgoyder 
You and Anthony have been so generous with your love Julie, sharing it with all of us. You and Anthony have been a gift to those of us following this journey with you. May the angels of comfort surround you all and stay by your sides through out.
you are so right, he is
Whenever I read of you and Anthony I think of people who live life large. Who fill the space of their lives with love and family and friendships and goings on that lift spirits and raise eyebrows and get chins a cluckin’ and a laughin’ and a wishin’ they too could be living their own lives large – and they do because of you.
As you go through this final segment of this part of your journey together, it is your capacity to feel and experience and share that creates such amazing space for grace to walk with you both, in love.
glad to hear Ants is a bit better but also that you have the foresight to realise that it isnt fair to prolong life with too much intervention. your love for Ants shines thtough.
Hugs Jules!
Thank you for sharing your journey with Anthony. I minister with music every Wednesday at an Alzheimer’s Unit in a large nursing home here. The people are precious to me. Some communicate well and some just listen. The songs seem to reach down to a deeper place than words. God bless you…onlyHe knows all you are both passing through
And through you…he is loved by so many here who have never met the physical man yet keep him in our hearts, with you and Ming, and pray for this gentle giant daily. You are part of our family and we are part of yours. Your love has done that Jules…the miracle that is you…have expanded our world so much as to make it so small a place, we can reach out and hold your hand with a single thought of love for this little family we’ve come to know in the best possible way…through your loving heart…xoxoxo
Much love my friend!
What a special person you married.
This is a good reminder that we only get life “One Day at a Time” so we need to cherish every moment and live to the fullest. Which I believe, you and your family are doing, and I need to do.
Thinking of you Julie. The journaling you have been doing will be another wonderful way of remembering his wit, humour and love…. Diane xx
I so get you not wanting him hospitalised, he has been through enough and when his time comes he will be at peace yes he will be missed and there will be tears by many but he really doesn’t have a life now he just exists day to day.
“…he will live on in so many hearts because he is so loved, by so many – not just Ming and me.”
More than you know, Julie. You have made him as real and loved by us, your readers, all over the world. And we do love him and you very much.
(((hugs))) don’t really know what else to say- so happy to have followed you on your path–but it has become more difficult as time goes on…
Sending you much love, Julie.
I like the phrase “bigger than death person.” So perfect for Anthony….and you!
Such a loving and beautiful post, Julie.
Larger than death–I like that!